If the rhythm of your family life were performed by an orchestra, what would it sound like? In my heyday of practicing pediatrics and raising two kids, I would say like the beginning of Beethoven’s Fifth: DA, DA, DA, DUM. Sometimes, just getting through daily living activities of meals, dressing, bedtime was exhausting. It certainly was NOT a rhythm that sustained and nourished my family or me.

Do you feel frenetic and sometimes out of control? Is your family life chaotic and unpredictable? Is everyone in your family, but the baby, stressed? (Maybe the baby is, too, and you just don’t know it.) If your answer is “yes” to these questions, you may be thinking, “What did I get myself into? This isn’t the family life I longed for and dreamed about before having kids.” Wouldn’t you rather the rhythm of your family life sound soothing, peaceful, grounding, gentle, and rejuvenating? Wouldn’t you rather your home were a safe haven from the world, where every family member felt unconditionally loved and spent time deeply connected to each other?

If you answered “yes” to the last questions, the obvious afterthought is: “How do I get there?” Back in the day, I found incredible solace, wisdom, and support in the book, Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence (revised in 2008). I was lucky enough to spend an entire week with one of the authors, Vikki Robin, a delightful, passionate woman. I turned my “more-is-better” relationship with money around, spent less, and saved more with the goal of financial independence. I explored and found my passion in supporting parents proactively to prevent problems. I spent more time with my soon-to-be teenage kids. And I left my pediatric practice to do it. I chose “life” over “money.”

Now there is a new resource to support families, and it is even simpler and more straightforward. And it gets to the heart of what we all care about most: supporting our families in the best way we can in a way that rejuvenates us parents, too. It is called Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids The book is by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, who have started a Simplicity Parenting movement as a way to support families. You can take charge now and commit to a calmer, more life-affirming approach to parenting that will make not only you feel better, but your whole family.

The Simplicity Parenting movement calls for attention to four main arenas:

• Environment: Acknowledge the clutter, especially in your kids’ rooms. The volume of toys alone can cause stress in your kids. Reduce!
• Rhythm: Kids thrive with predictable, regular structure, a dependable pattern. In a rhythmic home, parental authority is strengthened. Kids accept boundaries as a safety net rather than as a challenge to their freedom.
• Schedules: More is less. Pick a few. Get rid of the rest. Include family dinners in the plan.
• Adult World: Protect your kids from the adult world. They don’t need to see the news. Cut down on media. Cut out all ads and commercialized toys.

“Yea, yea, yea!” you say. “I’ll do this . . . when I have time, when there is a break in our busy lives.”

I want to leave you with one last thought, also from Simplicity Parenting: It is the powerful notion of “soul fever.” Think about the last time your child was really sick, maybe even had a high temperature. What did you do? Drop everything? Cancelled all that was scheduled? Of course, because your child’s physical health and safety is at the top of your priority list.

What if you could measure your child’s spirit, his/her soul? If your child’s mental and emotional health were flailing, what would you do? Would you drop everything and tend to it like with the fever?

So look at your kids closely. You know them better than anyone on the planet, knowledge accumulated from your 24/7 living with them, loving them, and striving to understand them. What are the symptoms you see when they are overwhelmed and exhausted? Sullen, withdrawn, extra sensitive, tantruming, prickly, moody, resisting you at mealtimes/bedtimes/mornings, fighting with sibs, getting in trouble at school? The list can go on.

If we would only pay attention, we will know when our kids have “soul fever.” They’ll be like canaries in the mine, letting us know that our family-life is in discord.

If you are feeling this might be true in your family, what are you waiting for? “Soul fever“ deserves our urgent attention. Make the commitment, smooth out the rhythm of your life, and join the Simplicity Movement—for your child’s sake!

In admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. If you would like to explore the Simplicity Parenting movement further, please join me for an “Introduction to Simplicity Parenting” on Wednesday evening, April 20, from 7:00 to 9:00 pm at my home. Cost is $20/person, and we welcome you to register online.

Nothing brings out the mother bear in me more than someone being mean to or excluding my child. And nothing brings out the worry in me more than seeing my kids around peers who may be a bad influence.

We all hope our children develop healthy friendships. Michael Thompson, author of one of my favorite books, Best Friends, Worst Enemies, says that children receive eight essential elements from their relationships with other kids: affection, intimacy, a reliable alliance, instrumental aid, nurturance, companionship, a sense of self-worth, and sense of inclusion in a group. What can we do as parents to support healthy friendships for our kids, ensuring they reap the benefits of all these “essential elements”?

There are three main ways parents can support their kids’ friendships:

• Letting them make friends on their own (they will anyway)
• Getting to know their friends
• Helping them find groups or “safe spaces” where they can belong

Each of our children has his/her own style and personality–from quiet and passive to assertive and active. That style will determine what kind and how many friends he/she has. No matter what we as parents do, we cannot create our kids’ friendships, only influence them–by asking what qualities they value in their friends, coaching them through conflicts, and brainstorming solutions together.

During the summer of my son’s fourth grade, he decided he wanted to have more friends. We had fun planning what he would do with these friends. I did a lot of driving. We rearranged his room to accommodate sleepovers and stocked the kitchen with enticing snacks. We put a zip line, soccer net, and slip-and-slide in the back yard. Chip and I got to know his friends and their families. More importantly, this started Jon on a path of self-confidence I had not seen before. At 25, he still hangs out with many of those friends—often at our house, like extended family.

Jon was fortunate in being a very social kid. He innately seemed to know what Michael Thompson dubs “the invisible rules” of friendship:

• Be like your peers
• Belong to a group
• Be in—or be out
• Find a place in the social hierarchy
• Play by the rules

But what about the kid who isn’t blessed with Jon’s easy ways? Who has no friends and is uncomfortable or afraid to make new friends? Can social skills be taught? In this situation, parents should find groups where their child can fit in. I call these “safe spaces.” Use passions to explore possibilities. Be open-minded. An Irish Dancing club, a chess club, Girl Scouts, a Legos group? Social skills classes are also available, mostly for kids with ADD, a group that often struggles.

One of the most controversial issues related to kids’ social lives is popularity. Recent evidence shows that popularity is often tightly linked to meanness; to get popular often requires edgy behavior. Check out “Web of Popularity, Achieved by Bullying.” According to Michael Thompson, what make fourth-grade girls popular among their peers are: 1. looks, 2. clothes, and 3. charisma; boys are influenced by: 1. sports, 2: height, and 3: being funny. If your child is popular, is it popular-as-decency or popular-as-dominance?

In general, most kids do well socially, with some conflict or fights with their friends and even mild aggression. The worrisome types are the 20% who are rejected, controversial, or neglected. What about them? Kids who are bullied–and their aggressors–can both have serious, long-term damage including neurologic brain damage as noted in a recent article, “Inside the Bullied Brain.”

Bullying has become so prevalent in our culture it is hard for kids to recognize it. If it is recognized, it is hard to know what to do. One of my favorite authors, Trudy Ludwig, travels all over the country empowering adults and kids to stand up to bullying. With her books–from My Secret Bully, Just Kidding, Sorry!, Trouble Talk, to Confessions of a Former Bully–she addresses bullying from many angles. Bibliotherapy can be a fantastic tool for kids learning how to treat others and can counteract the bullying being modeled all around them. It can empower bystanders to intervene, which could have a marked impact on reducing bullying.

It is not enough to stop there though. Bullying will only stop when we adults take a stand and say, “No more!” Change is in the air: The bully in Egypt was ousted, the one in Libya about to be. When people get together and say, “No more,” change can happen. Are we ready to say “No more” to bullying in our schools? What are we waiting for?

In admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

For more on kids’ friendships and bullying, check out the following sections in our books:
Raising Our Daughters: 4:24-4:40 & 6:32-6:40
Raising Our Sons: 4:30-4:38, 5:22-5:28, & 6:41-6:46

Also check the comprehensive list of resources on our Web site at www.family-empower.com/resources.

Empathy, the ability to understand and be sensitive to other people’s feelings, just may be the most important gift we can give our children. Empathy is our best chance at connection and happiness, our best chance for a caring, peaceful society. Humans are wired for connection and relationships. When we have empathy, we become more deeply attached to everyone around us.

I experience this deep connection and empathy with my family and close friends. Even when I am judging myself for something I said or did, my family and friends love and accept me unconditionally, taking me just as I am, the good and not-so-wonderful parts of me, too. Through their support, I can accept and love myself again. My energy shifts from self-criticism or blame to resolution and “doing it differently” next time. In fact, I think that somehow sharing my quirky short-comings helps others accept their quirky short-comings, and they then love themselves unconditionally. It comes full circle.

According to Dr. Christine Carter, a UC Berkeley sociologist and happiness researcher, the ability to act on one’s empathy is how we develop gratitude, hope and compassion. Check out her blog and Web site, “Greater Good: the Science of a Meaningful Life.” Another researcher from the University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Ben Dean, in his article entitled
“Kindness and the Case for Altruism,” notes that we all have two pulls inside us operating at all times: the selfish and the altruistic. Our self-centered side has allowed us to survive for thousands of years. Our altruistic side fosters well-being, connection and happiness.

This altruistic side is fueled by empathy. Empathy allows us to see the needs of another. Granted, it can be physically and psychologically uncomfortable to connect with someone in need of support (e.g., a homeless person shivering during winter, a friend who lost a parent, a child being verbally abused by a parent), but helping relieves the tension. When I give or receive the kindness of a stranger, it is like an unexpected gift. I feel warm and cared for. I have hope for a future of peace and harmony.

There is only one way to learn empathy and that is to receive it, to experience it. With bullying, for instance, kids literally cannot see the impact of their cruelty on others. If a bully experiences a lecture and/or a time-out from the adults who intervene, he/she might be shamed into stopping the behavior in the moment, but a vicious cycle begins. That child does not experience empathy and so does not learn how to give it. Good anti-bully programs include empathy, in addition to boundaries and consequences.

Empathy starts early. By 18 months old, a child can separate another’s feelings from his/her own. By the age of two, many children will run and comfort another child who is hurt. We are uniquely wired with mirror neurons to connect with other’s feelings: When subjects in an experiment watch others put their hands in icy water, their own temperature falls. Sadly, research shows that empathy is on the decline–with a 40% drop in empathy in college students over the last 20 years. So how do we stop this downtrend and foster empathy in our children? By modeling it.

• Start with unconditional love, loving all the parts of yourself and others.
• Take care of yourself. Giving compassion and empathy to others is impossible when you are empty and drained. Exercise, spend time with friends and pursue your interests. Try “silent sitting” or meditation. Most of all, give yourself empathy and compassion when you are triggered. Then you can model empathy, kindness and compassion.
• Next is respect, “treating others with high regard.” (Notice “deserve” is NOT mentioned.) It can be challenging to be compassionate when you have lost respect for another. When you do respect yourself and others, you naturally solve conflicts collaboratively and go for win-win solutions.
• Remember that all behavior has a positive intention. Everything we do is a strategy to meet a basic need. Sometimes the behaviors are effective, others, not so effective. A dad yelling about homework may have his need to be heard met but not his need for respect, connection, and the well-being of his child to learn responsibility and self-motivation. A sister teasing her brother may have her need for attention met but not her need for fun, friendship, and closeness.
• Be curious and neutral. When your child says “No” to you, he/she is saying “Yes” to something else. What is it? Understanding another’s point of view can help, too. When I learned my daughter’s extreme temper tantrums where driven by her intense, active, persistent temperament, my attitude changed completely from reactive to neutral understanding. It wasn’t about me.
• Focus on feelings and needs–yours and the other person’s. When everyone’s needs matter equally, we focus on solutions that satisfy everyone.

I leave you with one last idea: Practice kindness, positive thinking, and gratitude. One day each week “commit” five random acts of kindness. When possible, make them anonymous. We have 17,000 thoughts per day, many of them negative. Is that the life we really want? What if we replaced our negative thoughts with a positive spin? What if we wrote in a gratitude journal every morning, starting off the day with what we are thankful for in our lives? What if our kids adopted these practices into their lives? Now that is the world I want to live in.

In admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

For more on this topic check out:

Compassionate Communication Class with Dr. Kathy Masarie and Dr. Jody Bellant Scheer starting Feb 28, every other Monday night for six weeks

YouTube Video featuring Dr. Kathy speaking about Using Compassionate Communication to Connect with Your Kids

Empathy: Healing the Bully Within by Jody Bellant Scheer, M.D.

Raising Children Compassionately by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

What do you answer to “What are you passionate about? What makes you happy?” For many of us, we’d be at a loss. We usually don’t think about it. We go through our day, accomplishing our “to dos”–work, household chores, kid carpool, and, if we’re lucky, squeezing in exercise, a chat with our spouse, and coffee with a friend. What if, instead, from the time we were little, “What are your strengths and passions?” was the question that mattered most? What if everyone’s task in life were to discover his/her unique gifts and then to figure out how to use them in the most rewarding ways possible?

As young children, we spent a lot of time doing what we loved. Our list of “shoulds” was pretty short. Our joy muscle was practiced and strong. As we became teens and got older, our priorities shifted to future planning, college applications, jobs and/or financial security.

And now? Do you hurry through life checking off “to dos”? How much happier would you be living the life you really want to live?

How do you get there? How much happier would your children be if you modeled a life of passion and if you encouraged them to discover and develop their passions and strengths? My wise friend Shann Weston shares inspiring words in “Modeling a Life Worth Living,” excerpted in Raising Our Daughters/Sons. She says if you want your kids to have passion, model it.

For me, passion comes when I’m using my favorite skills, blissfully involved in a project and mindless of time. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of Flow, The Psychology of Optimal Experience, describes this as “flow, a state of experience that is engrossing and intrinsically rewarding.” According to Csikszentmihalyi, being in the “flow”:

• Occurs when one is completely involved, focused, concentrating–either due to innate curiosity, a love of the task, or as an outcome of training.
• Results in a feeling that no time is passing and a sense of serenity or ecstasy.
• Can only happen when one’s skills are suited to the task at hand.

Flow evolves from what people enjoy doing more than anything, their passion. Passion is not static. Rather, it is a process and ever changing as we grow and explore and learn more about what we are good at and what we like to do. Once we (re)discover our own passions and attain flow in our lives, only then can we support our kids to discover what makes them feel passionate and good about themselves.

So, where do you start—here, now, today?

• Be a life-long learner, open to new ideas, new activities, continuously experimenting.
• Know your innate skills. Jenifer Fox, author of Your Child’s Strengths, advocates discovering and developing kids’ natural strengths in three areas: activity, relationships, learning. Her book features a wonderful discovery process.
• Explore what matters to you, how you want to show up in the world. “Spark.A.Vision Screenplay,” from the Search Institute, is a great tool to use to visualize an inspiring future.
• Allow the spark to ignite. When our skills meet our values, what we hold most dear, passion happens. (Warning to parents! This is where you have to “let go.” No pushing, no helicoptoring, no $$ in your eyes for future scholarships. Nothing will kill passion faster than burnout. Let your kid drive the process. Be in this for the long-haul.)
• Be open to change and new passions.

As the New Year begins, I find myself recommitted to engineering my daily life around getting the most rewarding experiences from it–striving for passion, creativity, and flow experiences every day, especially at work. Chip and I spent New Year’s Eve brainstorming our life vision in Health, Work, Relationships, and Financial Health. (We would have added Mindful Parenting if we still had kids at home.) It’s a start to getting back on track.

How about you? Are you ready for more? Are you ready to live life “as a work of art rather than as a chaotic response to external events?” as Csikszentmihalyi challenges us. Now’s a good time to respond with a resounding “yes”!

With encouragement and cheer,

Dr. Kathy

When you think back on your own childhood, what are your fondest memories of happiness, security, and love? For most of us, they are those repeated rituals: bedtime routine, dinner together, vacations, and the holidays. Does that fit for you? What are the highlights? What made those times special?

William Doherty–-author of Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World and of an article in our Raising Our Daughters/ Sons books called “Rituals: The Ties that Bind” -states that “in a culture that is constantly pulling us apart, rituals can provide the glue that holds a family together.” According to Doherty, for a ritual to be successful, it must be:

• Repeated (nightly, weekly or even yearly)
• Deliberate, with meaning and significance (otherwise, it is just routine)
• Coordinated with others rather than alone

In creating rituals for our own family, we combined rituals my husband and I individually loved growing up with new ones we invented or adopted as our family grew. Some came and went; some stayed. The rituals that stay to this day are the ones that fulfill us–-fulfill our longing for connection, caring, and comfort.

In addition to dinners together every night and yearly family reunions, some of the rituals I love hearing about are:

• Family Night on Monday evenings with games and treats
• Eating pizza and watching a movie on Friday nights
• Going to the pumpkin patch and straw maze every Halloween
• Celebrating the first day of summer with a picnic
• Monthly dinners with extended family and friends
• Seasonal ancestor night to celebrate the life of an ancestor
• Going out for ice cream on the first and last days of school
• Playing a family game of dreidel after eating latkes during Hanukkah

If I could do it over again, there is one ritual I would definitely incorporate into my family’s life: In his book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, Dr. Phil shared his tradition of making a Christmas Eve videotape of each kid sitting in a little rocking chair wearing a Santa Claus hat. Each child would talk about Santa’s impending visit and about highlights of the previous year. Oh, did the personalities shine–with laughter, dancing, singing! When the kids got older, they playfully dodged the camera and made smart-aleck remarks, but they all still enjoyed the warm, loving, nurturing environment that was created. Just think of the wedding film this could make later. . . . Maybe I can still do this with the grand kids. . . .

With the holidays upon us and a little more built-in family time, you may find some space to revisit your family’s current rituals. Enliven them, if necessary, embellish them, if you must. They don’t have to be complicated or require a lot of planning. A family walk on Sunday afternoon? A trip downtown for hot chocolate and oohing and aahing over your city’s Christmas tree? Caroling at the neighbors? We have more ideas at “Creating a Meaningful Holiday.”

Whatever you choose as a family ritual, be sure it’s something you and your child(ren) enjoy. You could start by asking your kids, “What are your strongest memories about growing up so far? What stands out? What family activities help you to feel connected, loved, and secure?” Once you figure out what the ritual will be, commit to it, do it—and then revel in the warm rewards.

With all best wishes for a happy new year,

Dr.Kathy

Please share your favorite tradition or ritual.