One hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had in my bank account, or what my clothes looked like. But one hundred years from now, the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child.
–Anonymous

This quote kicks off Peter Benson’s new book, Parent, Teacher, Mentor, Friend: How Every Adult Can Change Kids’ Lives . He is the founder of the 40 Developmental Assets of the Search Institute and has devoted his life to exploring what supports kids to thrive. His organization has researched literally millions of kids across the US and found that the more Developmental Assets a kid has, the more they thrive–as in better grades, better health, better leadership, and less risky behavior (violence, substance abuse, promiscuity). When you look at the list of the 40 Developmental Assets , you’ll see that they are common-sense ideas, divided into:

• External: Support, Empowerment, Boundaries and Expectations, Constructive Use of Time
• Internal: Commitment to Learning, Positive Values, Social Competencies, Positive Identity

The Assets are big on my mind right now as Kathy Keller Jones and I prepare our “Coming of Age” talk for some of the 3000 participants at the Search Institute “Big Tent Conference” in Houston in November. But what do the Assets mean for you as a parent?

We get such confusing messages from our culture about what is important. And we have to be picky about what we choose to do with our time as we are busier than ever. Who can you trust? Who can you turn to for what really matters in raising kids? Every one of us who cares about kids has to answer that question for him/herself.

When I left my pediatric practice to find out what parents needed to know to prevent the problems I was seeing in my office, I was longing for an answer to these questions, too. When I learned about the Assets, I found home. Here is research-proven support to PREVENT problems. My parenting became guided by these principles. Our own Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters are based on these Assets. More and more people across the US are turning toward the Asset model, too: parents, school districts, cities, places of worship, entire states, organizations like Scouts, Big Brother Big Sister. The list goes on.

Why do the 40 Developmental Assets resonate with so many people who care about youth? I think it is because you can boil it down to one theme that makes sense to all of us: CONNECTION. When kids are connected to others, they feel validated every day for who they are right now. That they matter. That they are an important, critical part of the community. It allows for them to “BE” who they are, to explore openly and to discover what “gets them out of bed in the morning.” if you agree, the purpose of life is to find our unique gift and then figure out how to give it, what are you doing as a parent to foster that gift and its giving in your kids? In other people’s kids?

I leave you with another quote, one that might push you to answer, "How did I help kids feel good about themselves today?"

I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. –Maya Angelou

In admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

It is exciting how much new information is revealed every day on understanding how our minds work. For decades, we were taught that, once one reaches adulthood, the brain is fixed and inflexible. Now, however, the latest research proves our brains have “plasticity” throughout our lives. As a parent, being aware of how your child’s brain works–in addition to how your brain works–can be invaluable. Here are some basics about your child’s brain:

• With the onset of puberty, the emotional center (amygdala) gets charged up and looks for excitement and stimulation.
• The frontal lobe is where good judgment, healthy decision-making, and long-term planning happens. It does not develop until age 18-25 (delayed 5-10 years if there is heavy substance abuse).
• A highly charged emotional center with no executive frontal lobe is like having a fast car with no brakes. It is imperative that parents and “the community village” function as a teen’s frontal lobe and provide clear boundaries and expectations.
• In addition, children around age 12 evolve from concrete thinkers to abstract thinkers, and they become aware of the world of opportunities they never previously noticed.
• The world teens see is filled with messages of “be cool by defying school, being sexy, and doing drugs and alcohol.” This is different from a few decades ago, when the world teens saw was ”how can we support you on your path to be independent by 18.”
• We all survived as a species because our brains are deeply wired to become independent.

With the speeding-car metaphor in mind, the challenge for parents is to find that sweet spot of having a close connection and providing clear boundaries and expectations without triggering “shut down” in a teen wired, above all else, for independence. If we as parents are going to find that delicate balance, we parents have to change our parenting approach from what we have been using for our young children, and here is where understanding your brain comes into play.

Anything one does repetitively can become a comfortable, easy “rut of response.” When our old parenting techniques don’t work, our first tendency is to try harder–and louder. It’s easier to keep doing an old habit—even one that’s not working–than to develop a new one.

The good news is that brain research shows that we have an incredible capacity for changing the wiring in our brain. If you want to be inspired, read The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge, MD. What you’ll learn is that people who stimulate their brain in new and different ways are most likely to be flexible and ultimately at peace with the chaos of the world throughout their life.

The single most important ingredient in changing your “rut of response” is to be motivated, but stimulating the brain also takes two kinds of exercise:

• Physical: to get the oxygen it needs. Research is now showing if you don’t exercise, don’t bother with the mental exercises.
• Mental: doing anything different and new. Crossword/jigsaw puzzles, Suduko, changing your routine, new recipes…are all good… learning new dance moves and a second language are even better. Important ingredient is change. You get the idea!

The single most important ingredient in changing your “rut of response” is to be motivated.

So parents, you have been given a gift of mental health by having kids. They will challenge you every day. What could be more motivating for changing your patterns than disconnection from your snarly teen, who needs you more than he/she ever has. Raising teens is a big experiment. Seek out what might work and try it. If it doesn’t, try something different. By the time it is all done, you will have one of the healthiest brains around, adaptable to whatever comes your way. So count your lucky stars for the opportunity you have to change.

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy