When you think back on your own childhood, what are your fondest memories of happiness, security, and love? For most of us, they are those repeated rituals: bedtime routine, dinner together, vacations, and the holidays. Does that fit for you? What are the highlights? What made those times special?

William Doherty–-author of Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World and of an article in our Raising Our Daughters/ Sons books called “Rituals: The Ties that Bind” -states that “in a culture that is constantly pulling us apart, rituals can provide the glue that holds a family together.” According to Doherty, for a ritual to be successful, it must be:

• Repeated (nightly, weekly or even yearly)
• Deliberate, with meaning and significance (otherwise, it is just routine)
• Coordinated with others rather than alone

In creating rituals for our own family, we combined rituals my husband and I individually loved growing up with new ones we invented or adopted as our family grew. Some came and went; some stayed. The rituals that stay to this day are the ones that fulfill us–-fulfill our longing for connection, caring, and comfort.

In addition to dinners together every night and yearly family reunions, some of the rituals I love hearing about are:

• Family Night on Monday evenings with games and treats
• Eating pizza and watching a movie on Friday nights
• Going to the pumpkin patch and straw maze every Halloween
• Celebrating the first day of summer with a picnic
• Monthly dinners with extended family and friends
• Seasonal ancestor night to celebrate the life of an ancestor
• Going out for ice cream on the first and last days of school
• Playing a family game of dreidel after eating latkes during Hanukkah

If I could do it over again, there is one ritual I would definitely incorporate into my family’s life: In his book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, Dr. Phil shared his tradition of making a Christmas Eve videotape of each kid sitting in a little rocking chair wearing a Santa Claus hat. Each child would talk about Santa’s impending visit and about highlights of the previous year. Oh, did the personalities shine–with laughter, dancing, singing! When the kids got older, they playfully dodged the camera and made smart-aleck remarks, but they all still enjoyed the warm, loving, nurturing environment that was created. Just think of the wedding film this could make later. . . . Maybe I can still do this with the grand kids. . . .

With the holidays upon us and a little more built-in family time, you may find some space to revisit your family’s current rituals. Enliven them, if necessary, embellish them, if you must. They don’t have to be complicated or require a lot of planning. A family walk on Sunday afternoon? A trip downtown for hot chocolate and oohing and aahing over your city’s Christmas tree? Caroling at the neighbors? We have more ideas at “Creating a Meaningful Holiday.”

Whatever you choose as a family ritual, be sure it’s something you and your child(ren) enjoy. You could start by asking your kids, “What are your strongest memories about growing up so far? What stands out? What family activities help you to feel connected, loved, and secure?” Once you figure out what the ritual will be, commit to it, do it—and then revel in the warm rewards.

With all best wishes for a happy new year,

Dr.Kathy

Please share your favorite tradition or ritual.