Empathy, the ability to understand and be sensitive to other people’s feelings, just may be the most important gift we can give our children. Empathy is our best chance at connection and happiness, our best chance for a caring, peaceful society. Humans are wired for connection and relationships. When we have empathy, we become more deeply attached to everyone around us.

I experience this deep connection and empathy with my family and close friends. Even when I am judging myself for something I said or did, my family and friends love and accept me unconditionally, taking me just as I am, the good and not-so-wonderful parts of me, too. Through their support, I can accept and love myself again. My energy shifts from self-criticism or blame to resolution and “doing it differently” next time. In fact, I think that somehow sharing my quirky short-comings helps others accept their quirky short-comings, and they then love themselves unconditionally. It comes full circle.

According to Dr. Christine Carter, a UC Berkeley sociologist and happiness researcher, the ability to act on one’s empathy is how we develop gratitude, hope and compassion. Check out her blog and Web site, “Greater Good: the Science of a Meaningful Life.” Another researcher from the University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Ben Dean, in his article entitled
“Kindness and the Case for Altruism,” notes that we all have two pulls inside us operating at all times: the selfish and the altruistic. Our self-centered side has allowed us to survive for thousands of years. Our altruistic side fosters well-being, connection and happiness.

This altruistic side is fueled by empathy. Empathy allows us to see the needs of another. Granted, it can be physically and psychologically uncomfortable to connect with someone in need of support (e.g., a homeless person shivering during winter, a friend who lost a parent, a child being verbally abused by a parent), but helping relieves the tension. When I give or receive the kindness of a stranger, it is like an unexpected gift. I feel warm and cared for. I have hope for a future of peace and harmony.

There is only one way to learn empathy and that is to receive it, to experience it. With bullying, for instance, kids literally cannot see the impact of their cruelty on others. If a bully experiences a lecture and/or a time-out from the adults who intervene, he/she might be shamed into stopping the behavior in the moment, but a vicious cycle begins. That child does not experience empathy and so does not learn how to give it. Good anti-bully programs include empathy, in addition to boundaries and consequences.

Empathy starts early. By 18 months old, a child can separate another’s feelings from his/her own. By the age of two, many children will run and comfort another child who is hurt. We are uniquely wired with mirror neurons to connect with other’s feelings: When subjects in an experiment watch others put their hands in icy water, their own temperature falls. Sadly, research shows that empathy is on the decline–with a 40% drop in empathy in college students over the last 20 years. So how do we stop this downtrend and foster empathy in our children? By modeling it.

• Start with unconditional love, loving all the parts of yourself and others.
• Take care of yourself. Giving compassion and empathy to others is impossible when you are empty and drained. Exercise, spend time with friends and pursue your interests. Try “silent sitting” or meditation. Most of all, give yourself empathy and compassion when you are triggered. Then you can model empathy, kindness and compassion.
• Next is respect, “treating others with high regard.” (Notice “deserve” is NOT mentioned.) It can be challenging to be compassionate when you have lost respect for another. When you do respect yourself and others, you naturally solve conflicts collaboratively and go for win-win solutions.
• Remember that all behavior has a positive intention. Everything we do is a strategy to meet a basic need. Sometimes the behaviors are effective, others, not so effective. A dad yelling about homework may have his need to be heard met but not his need for respect, connection, and the well-being of his child to learn responsibility and self-motivation. A sister teasing her brother may have her need for attention met but not her need for fun, friendship, and closeness.
• Be curious and neutral. When your child says “No” to you, he/she is saying “Yes” to something else. What is it? Understanding another’s point of view can help, too. When I learned my daughter’s extreme temper tantrums where driven by her intense, active, persistent temperament, my attitude changed completely from reactive to neutral understanding. It wasn’t about me.
• Focus on feelings and needs–yours and the other person’s. When everyone’s needs matter equally, we focus on solutions that satisfy everyone.

I leave you with one last idea: Practice kindness, positive thinking, and gratitude. One day each week “commit” five random acts of kindness. When possible, make them anonymous. We have 17,000 thoughts per day, many of them negative. Is that the life we really want? What if we replaced our negative thoughts with a positive spin? What if we wrote in a gratitude journal every morning, starting off the day with what we are thankful for in our lives? What if our kids adopted these practices into their lives? Now that is the world I want to live in.

In admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

For more on this topic check out:

Compassionate Communication Class with Dr. Kathy Masarie and Dr. Jody Bellant Scheer starting Feb 28, every other Monday night for six weeks

YouTube Video featuring Dr. Kathy speaking about Using Compassionate Communication to Connect with Your Kids

Empathy: Healing the Bully Within by Jody Bellant Scheer, M.D.

Raising Children Compassionately by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.