Think of some of your mistakes while you were growing up. Now think of the reception you got from your parents/teachers about those mistakes. I imagine it involved disapproval, disappointment, shame, beratement. The outcome is that you may have felt stupid, like a failure, bad, self-loathing or maybe angry at the unfairness of it. Did you then give up with low self-esteem or become an approval junkie, a sneak or even an outright rebel? Is this what you as a parent want to see? Are these the reactions that promote growth and resiliency in your kids?
What if your parents would have said, “Oh, goodie! You made another mistake. Now you get to learn and grow new skills.” What if your parent programming became a response of love, acceptance, calmness and an attitude that said, “Now, let’s get down to the business of how I can support you to figure out what you learned, how to make it right, what you can do next time.”
Chances are, despite all you have learned and experienced in the world, that you are not yet perfect. Why is it that we expect perfectionism anyway?
Glenda Montgomery, a Portland-based instructor in Positive Discipline (see her upcoming trainings/classes) says, “Our kids are going to spend a lot more time being imperfect than being perfect. It is up to us to teach them to learn and grow from times of imperfection.” According to Glenda, it is through our children’s mistakes that we have opportunities to teach the skills and traits we want our kids to learn. She notes that “without practicing ‘getting ourselves out of a mess,’ it is hard to develop critical-thinking skills.” In short, if they don’t have problems and conflicts, how else can our kids develop problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills?
We as parents also have to model that mistakes are opportunities. Parents who deny mistakes or are defensive can expect the same from their kids. Parents who admit their mistakes and model the steps involved in “making it right” will have kids who learn resiliency and coping skills. Glenda says, “When we shame kids for making mistakes, the emotional confusion gets in the way of any positive learning that could come out of the situation.”
Our featured book this month is one of our top-ten favorites, Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen. Each page offers concrete steps for loving kindness and firm parenting, also taught in Glenda Montgomery’s local classes. Positive Discipline’s “Three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes” offer guidelines that we, as parents, can model when WE make mistakes–in order to show what we want our kids to do when THEY blow it (see page 41 in the book):
• Recognize – “Wow! I made a mistake.”
• Reconcile – “I apologize.” (In Compassionate Communication language, I would say, “I regret what happened. I wish I had done it differently.”)
• Resolve – “Let’s work on a solution together.”
So, I warrant that “failing right” starts with parents. If we are to embrace our kids’ mistakes and help them to accept and learn from them, we must figure out how we can learn to deal with our own conflicts and accept ourselves as we are—with all our imperfections. A favorite quote I grew up with is, “Be who you is, because, if you be who you ain’t, then you ain’t who you is.”
I believe it is a life-long challenge to accept ourselves unconditionally. One of the most powerful approaches for me in acknowledging my wrong-doings and ineptness and being able to correct my mistakes is by using the tool of Compassionate Communication. A basic Compassionate Communication premise is that every one of our behaviors is an attempt to meet needs or values. In every behavior I do, the biggest need wins. Even with behaviors that don’t turn out so well, there is a “beautiful underlying need” driving it.
If I screamed at my kids to PICK UP THAT WET TOWEL NOW, I may have met my needs to be heard and to have ease by venting loudly. Whether this screaming results in the towel getting picked up in that moment or not, my needs for respect, connection, willing cooperation, peace, calmness, even the well-being of my kids, are probably not being met. So what is a way I could have dealt with the wet towel that would have resulted in all of these needs being met? Next time, I will try something different rather than doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I’ve learned something by “recognizing” what didn’t work, “reconciling” my needs, and “resolving” to do things differently next time.
Our current methods of both shaming and buffering our kids from uncomfortable, difficult experiences has resulted in a crop of college kids now labeled “teacups,” because they crack at the slightest stress. They can’t handle their young adult lives. They have no coping skills for everyday life. How tragic is that? How can we prevent this from happening to the current generation of kids?
I want to share a final concept from Compassionate Communication that might be powerfully helpful: No one has ever made a mistake! The idea behind this is that, in the midst of our unmet needs in any given moment in time, we choose the best behavior or strategy that we can come up. If we could have come up with a better strategy at that time, we would have used it. But in that moment with those unmet needs, we chose X. Own it. Learn from it. And move on.
Truly, our parenting can be more helpful if we shift our response to our kids’ mistakes. Let’s make our internal dialogue a quick “oh, darn,” then a deep breath, then, “Oh, good. You had a conflict today. Now how can I support you to learn from it?”
Wishing you and yours glorious mistakes/opportunities,
Dr. Kathy
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
