Nothing brings out the mother bear in me more than someone being mean to or excluding my child. And nothing brings out the worry in me more than seeing my kids around peers who may be a bad influence.
We all hope our children develop healthy friendships. Michael Thompson, author of one of my favorite books, Best Friends, Worst Enemies, says that children receive eight essential elements from their relationships with other kids: affection, intimacy, a reliable alliance, instrumental aid, nurturance, companionship, a sense of self-worth, and sense of inclusion in a group. What can we do as parents to support healthy friendships for our kids, ensuring they reap the benefits of all these “essential elements”?
There are three main ways parents can support their kids’ friendships:
- Letting them make friends on their own (they will anyway)
- Getting to know their friends
- Helping them find groups or “safe spaces” where they can belong
Each of our children has his/her own style and personality–from quiet and passive to assertive and active. That style will determine what kind and how many friends he/she has. No matter what we as parents do, we cannot create our kids’ friendships, only influence them–by asking what qualities they value in their friends, coaching them through conflicts, and brainstorming solutions together.
During the summer of my son’s fourth grade, he decided he wanted to have more friends. We had fun planning what he would do with these friends. I did a lot of driving. We rearranged his room to accommodate sleepovers and stocked the kitchen with enticing snacks. We put a zip line, soccer net, and slip-and-slide in the back yard. Chip and I got to know his friends and their families. More importantly, this started Jon on a path of self-confidence I had not seen before. At 25, he still hangs out with many of those friends—often at our house, like extended family.
Jon was fortunate in being a very social kid. He innately seemed to know what Michael Thompson dubs “the invisible rules” of friendship:
- Be like your peers
- Belong to a group
- Be in—or be out
- Find a place in the social hierarchy
- Play by the rules
But what about the kid who isn’t blessed with Jon’s easy ways? Who has no friends and is uncomfortable or afraid to make new friends? Can social skills be taught? In this situation, parents should find groups where their child can fit in. I call these “safe spaces.” Use passions to explore possibilities. Be open-minded. An Irish Dancing club, a chess club, Girl Scouts, a Legos group? Social skills classes are also available, mostly for kids with ADD, a group that often struggles.
One of the most controversial issues related to kids’ social lives is popularity. Recent evidence shows that popularity is often tightly linked to meanness; to get popular often requires edgy behavior. Check out “Web of Popularity, Achieved by Bullying.” According to Michael Thompson, what make fourth-grade girls popular among their peers are: 1. looks, 2. clothes, and 3. charisma; boys are influenced by: 1. sports, 2: height, and 3: being funny. If your child is popular, is it popular-as-decency or popular-as-dominance?
In general, most kids do well socially, with some conflict or fights with their friends and even mild aggression. The worrisome types are the 20% who are rejected, controversial, or neglected. What about them? Kids who are bullied–and their aggressors–can both have serious, long-term damage including neurologic brain damage as noted in a recent article, “Inside the Bullied Brain.”
Bullying has become so prevalent in our culture it is hard for kids to recognize it. If it is recognized, it is hard to know what to do. One of my favorite authors, Trudy Ludwig, travels all over the country empowering adults and kids to stand up to bullying. With her books–from My Secret Bully, Just Kidding, Sorry!, Trouble Talk, to Confessions of a Former Bully–she addresses bullying from many angles. Bibliotherapy can be a fantastic tool for kids learning how to treat others and can counteract the bullying being modeled all around them. It can empower bystanders to intervene, which could have a marked impact on reducing bullying.
It is not enough to stop there though. Bullying will only stop when we adults take a stand and say, “No more!” Change is in the air: The bully in Egypt was ousted, the one in Libya about to be. When people get together and say, “No more,” change can happen. Are we ready to say “No more” to bullying in our schools? What are we waiting for?
In admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy
For more on kids’ friendships and bullying, check out the following sections in our books:
Raising Our Daughters: 4:24-4:40 & 6:32-6:40
Raising Our Sons: 4:30-4:38, 5:22-5:28, & 6:41-6:46
Also check the comprehensive list of resources on our Web site at www.family-empower.com/resources.
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
