Memo to All Adults: Bring PLAY Back into Playing Sports

Young kids are natural athletes. Watch most children under five and what you will notice is they are usually in motion, entertained easily with simply chasing after each other, highly in tune with their biologic drive to move their bodies. No adults. No rules. No fees. No practices. They do it because it is fun and it feels good.

Then, enter organized sports. Every year, 20 million kids are registered by their parents for some organized sport: basketball, football, baseball, soccer, lacrosse, etc. By age 13, 70 percent of these kids quit playing these league sports–and never play them again.

This is tragic. If anything, we need our kids to play more sports as they age, or at least to move into other forms of exercise such as yoga, fencing, running, walking. . . . With one in three children overweight or obese and with astronomic increases in diabetes and heart disease among children, this may be the first generation to have a shorter life-expectancy than the parents.

So why do kids quit and drop out of sports? To quote the most popular answer from kids: “It’s just not fun anymore.”

It is not fun when:

1. There is too much pressure on winning.
2. They are yelled at on the field or get punished for making mistakes on the field.
3. They spend so much time doing one thing, they don’t have time for other interests.
4. Practices are too long and too boring.
5. Parents are obsessed with statistics and performance and lecture kids on the way home.
6. There is a focus on the hope of getting a scholarship. According to Dr. Sam Goldstein, author of Raising Resilient Children, for every 20,000 athletes, only 356 will get a college scholarship. Of those, only four will become professional athletes.

So how can we parents bring FUN back, so our kids develop a life-long love of moving their bodies? The Positive Coaching Alliance gives us fantastic guidelines we should make priorities for all our sports organizations:

1. Redefine what it means to be a winner: “Replace the ‘win-at-all costs’ mentality with a coach who wants to win and also helps players develop character. Winning is important, but the second goal, helping players learn ‘life lessons,’ is more important.”

2. Emphasize that making mistakes is OK. Make it clear to players that effort and learning are more important than not making mistakes. This reduces anxiety and raises confidence. Some coaches have developed a mistake ritual with their players to let the person who made the blunder know that it is okay
to forget about it. One such ritual is called “the flush,” where everyone on the court or field mimics flushing a toilet when someone makes a mistake, as if they are flushing it away…to “let it go.”

3. Honor the Game: Honoring the game is getting to the ROOTS of the matter and involves respect for the Rules, Opponents, Officials, Teammates and Self. Don’t bend the rules to win. Understand that a worthy opponent is a gift that forces you to play to your highest potential. Show respect for officials even when you disagree. Refuse to do anything that embarrasses your team. Live up to your own standards even if others don’t. It is important that coaches and parents model behavior that they expect of their players, such as respecting the officials.

4. Fill the Emotional Tank: A positive coach is a positive motivator who does not motivate through fear, intimidation, or shame. It is like filling the tank of a car: Filling kids up with positive feedback keeps them going and keeps their energy up, which makes them more coachable and more apt to listen. On the contrary, negative criticism drains them so they run “out of gas.”

5. Focus on the positive: One way to build team unity is to hold a “Winners’ Circle” after every game, where each player says one thing they were proud of in the game and one thing they think they need to work on. Or, each player says something positive that they saw someone else do.

Parents can help by:

• Encouraging their kids to go out for multiple sports, which avoids burn-out and overuse injuries.
• Not taking sports so seriously. Make FUN the top priority.
• Hosting a parent meeting at the beginning of the season to establish what respectful behavior looks like. If a parent yells at anyone negatively, a tin can comes around for the $. 25 fine to catch it early. Add a rule that no one can yell a specific player’s name, which directs cheering to the whole team. “Go, Lions!”
• Talking to your kids about their sports in ways that are both empowering and connecting. Check out ideas in “Learning Life Lessons Through Sports” from our Raising Our Daughters book.
• Modeling exercise. If you can’t find time to exercise, stop watching and start moving. You could walk around the park/track while your child is practicing or playing his/her game. (Which “Jones” started the rule that a “good parent” watches all their kid’s games? I think “good parents” focus on one-on-one meaningful connections with each kid and take care of their own health.) For inspiration regarding this, check out Kathy Keller Jones’ article about “Family Fitness,” also printed in our Raising Our Daughters book.
• Starting a Sports Club as an alternative to a formal team sport. To avoid the intense competition of the baseball world, I organized a baseball club once a week right after school when my son was in 2nd-4th grade. We had baseball hats, snacks, pick-up games, and the kids learned baseball skills.
• Introducing your kids to alternative sports that have a better chance of becoming life-long habits such as hiking, yoga, bike riding. . . .

Most importantly, next time your kid says, “I’m bored,” say four magical words: “GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY.” Even better, go join ‘em and remember how to have fun yourself!

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy