How Much to Help Your Child
“My child wants me to be with her every time she studies. Then she wants my constant input and help. Sometimes it is so time-consuming to help her on every problem, I find myself just doing part of it for her. Plus I have so much to do around the house. Am I helping or hurting?”
OR
“Studying each night in our home has become a war zone. The kids want our help, but when we do they just get mad at us. I also have to hassle them to get off the phone or away from the TV. They argue that they study better in front of the TV. It’s making me crazy and I’m about to give up entirely.”
Discussion
Nowadays, competition seems so great we start to believe our kids can’t make it without us. “How much is too much?” can be difficult to decide. One clear guiding principal is that the more and sooner you empower them to handle their school challenges, the more they will step up to the challenge.
A fantastic private school I know encourages parents to allow their kids to be responsible for their homework starting in the third grade, when the consequences of failure are small. They ask parents to slowly back off managing every phase of homework. My friend, Sue Wellman, a high school teacher and founder of The Ophelia Project, and I share these ideas:
- Support rather than rescue your child.
- In Sue’s house, she let her kids know she would be glad to support them on their big projects EXCEPT the last 24 hours before the due date. This required planning on their part and kept her out of rescue mode.
- After many “I forgot my homework” rescues, she fired herself and allowed her kids to experience the consequences that followed. Funny how those incidences reduced after that!
- Correct homework only if your child asks for help and if this is a peaceful activity between you and your child. Reassure your child that the goal is NOT to get everything right. It is to learn the material, eventually, but not necessarily all at once.
- When your child is “stuck” (angry, frustrated, self-deprecating, bored), try these tips:
- Show genuine interest in what your child is learning.
- Ask your child questions that he/she CAN answer—be the learner and allow your child to be the teacher. If you are both clueless about an assignment, suggest questions the child can ask the teacher the next day and be eager to hear the answers when your child returns home.
- When you or your child can’t do something, use that moment to role model effective problem-solving skills–ask questions, seek answers, practice, and acknowledge that the learning process involves stretching and not always being able to do something right away. If your child can always do the work–he/she is not being challenged.
- Collaborate with the school at all times, even when things are not going smoothly.
- If you are upset with the homework assignment, speak directly with the teacher rather than venting your concerns to your child.
- If you are “stuck” on how to help, ask the teacher for guidance. Teachers spend hours watching the way your child learns and have the experience of knowing many approaches on how to help.
- Keep the dialogue with the teacher open until you both feel the child is “on the right track.” Email works well for many teachers.
- Create a reward at the end of study sessions (not video games).
- A half-hour family TV program that you all watch together
- A bowl of popcorn, dessert or piece of fruit
- Play a game or do a hobby
- Read to your child from a great book
- A phone call to a friend
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If I knew then what I know now, I would have …
Worried less about the small details of my children’s homework and focused
on the bigger picture–installing a life-long love of learning and responsibility
in my children for their own schoolwork.
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With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy
Kathy Masarie, MD
Pediatrician, Parent, and Life Coach
Author of Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons
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