And, oh, did we tell you we went to the International Bullying Prevention Conference in Kansas City?! Ruthie, Cassandra Dickson (a stellar member of our Family Empowerment Network family and co-writer of our new Face to Face book), and I could not have been more impressed with Kansas City and with all the people we met. Between the three of us, we attended 14 presentations by the nation’s leading authorities on preventing peer mistreatment. We were so excited about all we learned that we had to go “back to press” with this monthly blog. We couldn’t wait to share the highlights with you!
Rather than sharing my own thoughts, it seemed to make sense just to blurt. So here goes!
Stop Labeling
We need to remove the words bully and victim from our vocabulary. No child wants to admit to being a bully, no parent wants to acknowledge his/her child is a bully, and school officials shy away from accepting the fact that bullying exists in their school. By focusing on the action (peer mistreatment) rather than labeling someone a bully and then demonizing/ostracizing/punishing the child, we can actually focus all energy on reducing those actions, empowering kids to choose acceptable actions, and teaching all kids to be friendly and fair.
Connection is Key
One of the points made at the Conference loud and clear was that what really matters to kids is a sense of belonging. If we focus our attention on making sure that each child feels connected with at least one caring, trusted friend and has safe, supportive adults with whom to talk, the severity and frequency of actual peer mistreatment will be reduced.
Pay Special Attention to the High Risk Kids
According to research, kids are most likely targeted in school because of: the way they look, sexual orientation, gender issues, ability (e.g. not being good at sports), and ethnicity. This would imply that we focus attention on the following often-marginalized groups:
- Children with disabilities (2-3 times more likely to be bullied than those without disabilities; e.g. 46% of kids with autism spectrum disorders were bullied)
- LGBTQ kids (91% of high schoolers have heard anti-gay slurs; 75% of high schoolers have been taunted by anti-gay slurs; LGBT kids are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-LGBT kids; and Questioning kids are three times more likely)
- Minority groups (ethnic groups, children of immigrants, undocumented workers, etc.)
What Adults (Parents and Educators) Can Do
According to the results of the Voice Dialogue Project conducted by Stan Davis and Dr. Charisse Nixon, kids say these three adult actions matter most when it comes to being mistreated by other kids:
- Listen to me
- Give me advice
- Check in with me afterward to see if the behavior stopped
What Targeted Children Can Do for Themselves (according to results of the Voice Dialogue Project)
- Tell an adult at home
- Tell a friend
- Make a joke about it (to help myself feel better)
- Tell an adult at school
- Remind myself it’s not my fault (works for teens only)
- Pretend it doesn’t bother me (high school only)
What Bystanders Can Do . . . Become “Upstanders” (according to results of the Voice Dialogue Project)
- Spend time with me at school
- Talk to me at school to encourage me
- Help me to get away from the situation
- Give advice about what to do
- Call me at home to encourage me (texting is good, too)
- Help me to tell an adult
- Make a distraction
- Tell an adult
Friends are the Most Effective Allies
According to the research of Dr. Elizabeth Englander of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, elementary school kids are pretty good at telling teachers and parents when they are mistreated. Starting in grade five, however, they are more likely to tell their friends. In addition, in a bullying situation, kids say kindness by parents or other caring adults helped by 38%, but kindness by peers helped by 68%! What does this tell us? We need to empower kids to help others.
To that end, Dr. Englander and her staff offer free K-5 research-based bullying and cyberbullying curriculum online. Another great program focusing on positive peer-based prevention of youth aggression is Nancy Willard’s “Be a friend, Lend a Hand” program. There are others out there, too, but these can get you started on your journey to building a safer world for our children.
In Conclusion
What we have shared here is just a small sampling of all we have learned. There were break-out sessions on cyber-bullying, the cost of bullying, bullying in sports, digital citizenship, enhancing emotional literacy, and so much more. If you would like to access the presentation materials available, see the conference Web site. You also can anticipate that our new book, Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ REAL Social Lives in the Digital Age, will incorporate all the latest research and provide practical advice for how you can help the children in your life to master the art of connection.
With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy
P.S. I would love to come to your school or school district and talk about what I have learned about peer mistreatment. Email or call me to discuss setting up a parent talk or a staff in-service training.
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
