Step Up and Power Down

April 1, 2013 by

Screen-Free Week (formerly TV-Turnoff) approaches, April 29-May 5, we all have the perfect opportunity to reflect on the impact of our family screen time—and to choose: Participate or not participate? Don’t panic. The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood, organizer of this national effort to “turn off screens and turn on life,” isn’t asking you to stop using your computer for work or to stop talking on your phone. The goal of the week is to power down screens used for entertainment, so you’ll have more time to do other things such as play outside and read.

I’m all for giving it a try—and here’s just one of many reasons why: The more we learn about interpersonal neurobiology and how the brain works, the more evidence there is that we become less capable socially if we spend too much time in front of screens. This is especially true for our children, whose brains are still in the process of being developed. All the ins and outs of how dramatically media use can affect the pathways in brains are yet to be discovered, but here is some scary evidence:

  • University of Washington pediatrician Dimitri Christakis shares his research in a TEDxRainier talk called “Media and Children.” He states that every hour per day a child under three watches TV increases that child’s chance of having attentional deficits by 10% (no matter what the quality of programming). With the brain pathways being laid during a child’s first thousand days of development, these attentional deficits are irreversible and will impact the child’s social and emotional skills throughout his/her life.
  • Stanford psychologist Philip G. Zimbardo delves into another frightening phenomenon related to digital use: He points out that boys start watching pornography as young as age 10, that the average American high school boy spends two hours each week watching porn, and that it can lead to “arousal addictions.” To further underscore the consequences of pornography addiction, a 2011 study showed that, over time, pornography addiction can lead to erectile dysfunction—a dramatic example of the brain’s rewiring due to the overuse/abuse of media. For further exploration of this important topic, check out Gary Wilson’s TED talk on the Great Porn Experiment or Philip Zimbardo’s TED talk.

Whether it’s watching TV shows, cartoons, or movies, playing games, engaging in social networking, or just surfing the Internet, screen use for entertainment is likely changing who our children will become. In that light, I recommend being vigilant about the quantity and quality of what they’re seeing and doing. Here are a few tips to consider as you contemplate your family screen time:


Be careful what you let in.

Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” What if this quote were true, that “You are what you think”? If you watch Bart put down his dumb dad every day, how do you treat your own dad? If you watch “Power Rangers” regularly, dress up and “play fight” with your friends as a Ranger, and write stories about Power Rangers for school, how do you handle real-life conflict? In contrast, if you watch Mr. Rogers patiently teach you about the ways of the farm, the family, a restaurant, or how to treat others, do you develop patience and tolerance and learn how to get along in the world? And, think about the nightly news. Does it inspire you to be a better person and help others?

Choose your media as carefully as you choose your friends.

I first heard these words from Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia. She shared the irony that we keep our kids inside, afraid of the strangers at the park, yet plop them down in front of the television and let all kinds of unseemly characters into their absorbing minds–from violent cartoon villains, to snarky “cool” kids, to Disney princesses needing to be rescued.

It’s harder to change a bad habit than it is to keep a good one.

Screen-Free Week is a good time to start cutting back on screen time and then carrying over the new healthy habits into an outdoor summer. The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood has a free, comprehensive Screen-Free Week Organizer’s Kit available for download on its Web site. It’s filled with suggested activities, fact sheets about the impact of screens on our lives, sample promotion materials, and much more. If you’re inclined to acknowledge the week in a more low-key way, have a family meeting to brainstorm what you would like to be doing more of as a family, especially physical and/or creative activities. Once you have the list, make a family plan to do the activities; you’ll find that you need to cut back on screen use to make the activities happen.

Moderation is the key.

I would never in a million years ask you to give up chocolate completely. Same thing with TV and movies and playing video games. As with chocolate, the key is moderation: Every once in a while is OK, but too much is not. Unfortunately, the average American watches more than four hours of screen entertainment per day. That seems like a lot of “connecting” time given over to media. Doreen Dodgen-Magee, Ph.D., examines our digital dilemma in her article, “The Key to Surviving the Negative Impact of Digital Technology: Moderation,” and she offers a lot of food for thought. For a few other ways to keep digital entertainment in check, consider these suggestions:

  • Keep the TV and computer out of the bedroom.
  • If your kids are under 10, think about limiting screen entertainment to weekends. Weekdays are complicated enough with homework, sports, music, dance, gymnastics, etc.
  • If your kids are a little older, come to a mutual agreement about the quantity and quality of their screen use—even to the point of their writing out and signing the agreement. Build in consequences for not following the agreement.
  • If your family watches TV shows and movies and plays video games, choose wisely. Organizations such as Common Sense Media provides reviews and recommendations for age-appropriate TV shows, movies, music, games, apps, etc.


Because our children are digital “natives” with the Internet and digital devices available 24/7–unlike any generation before them–we need to mindfully make choices and cultivate in them the inner wisdom that will allow them to master the art of social connection in this challenging Digital Age. Our forthcoming book, Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ Social Lives in Today’s Digital World, will give you the tools and encouragement to address this critical new parenting dilemma. In the meantime, ask your family: Are we playing outside more than we’re playing video games? Are TV shows and movies we watch influencing us positively and inspiring us? Do we have enough quality “connecting” time? If each of you can answer yes to the above, you’re on the right track and your children will thrive. If you can’t answer yes to the questions, it may be time to step up and power down.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For inspiration, check out The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood’s “101 Screen-Free Activities.”

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How Children Lead Us Inward

January 1, 2013 by

What a miracle our children are! With the amazing biology of birth aside, we revel in the awe of our newborns’ tiny toes, their first crooked smiles, their grasping fingers, their ability to mirror us . . . and be. As they grow, we chuckle about their fierce determination to get from Point A to Point B–in any way–from butt scooting, to crab crawling, to toddling. Then, they get older . . . and we get busier. But, do we remember to gaze in awe? Do we continue to step back and observe with admiration and wonder? Do we take the time to relish every stage of their lives and mark the many miracles that happen every day?

I am about to exit one stage of parenting and enter another, as my daughter plans her wedding. She looks radiant in the dress she’s chosen, whispers lovingly to her fiancé, and makes plans for a family of her own someday–the wondrous cycle of life resplendent before my eyes. As I return to stand-still awe, I’m inspired to reflect upon my journey of parenting Kaitlin and upon all that she and her brother have taught me.

I believe that parenting is a rudder that keeps us directed toward what really matters. If we steer with our children’s best interests in mind and heart–and thoughtfully engage in their everyday living without going on auto-pilot–our journey of parenting can lead to fulfillment, to finding meaning and purpose in our own lives. Truly, our children give us the chance to see the world anew, with fresh eyes, to embrace the ordinary and return to what Buddhists lovingly call, “the beginner’s mind.” Yes, if we watch and listen closely, our children remind us every day that there is a greater power beyond ourselves.

In exploring the theme of how our children can lead us inward, I was excited to hear about our featured book of the month. In Parenting as a Spiritual Journey: Deepening Ordinary and Extraordinary Events into Sacred Occasions Nancy Fuchs-Kreimer offers ample ideas of the lessons our kids teach us and how we can internalize those lessons and live more fully, more deeply, in a sacred space. For example, in her prologue, Rabbi Kreimer writes: “All the theology I’d studied would not help me raise my children. But it might work the other way. Raising children might help me learn something about God.”

Inspired by Rabbi Kreimer’s words and the beauty and transformative power of the stories in her book, I’ve compiled a short list of what Kaitlin and Jon, my children, have taught me—insights that have re-awakened my “beginners’ mind” and fostered my own spirituality:

DELIGHT IN SIMPLE LIVING
Children delight in simple pleasures. My kids and their friends would wait patiently in line to go on the zip line in our yard. Then they would zip through the trees in delight and do it all over and over and over again. They would pull me to the fruit and veggies growing in our gardens and eat raspberries one by one with glee.

Kids laugh so easily and unabashedly that my heart soars just being around children, anybody’s children. They can remind us that delighting in simple pleasures just might free us from working so hard to buy “stuff” to give us pleasure! This story provides a stark example of how valuing simple living might look:

Maryjo and Marcos dedicated the weekend to the kids–taking them from the children’s museum, to the indoor swim park, to a movie, and out for pizza. When Maryjo asked her son what he liked best about the weekend, he responded, “Sweeping out the garage with dad.”

DANCE IN THE MOMENT
Kids live in the moment naturally. As we grow up, we “learn” to plan for the future and build on the past, being told that being prepared and looking ahead will “get you ahead.” But there’s glory in “dancing in the moment.“

I was “forced” into “the moment” during my kids’ teen years, when my previously “effective” parenting strategies no longer worked. The biologic drive for individuation in those little darlings manifested daily with a new challenge: May I sleep-over with boys there? May I go to a rock concert? May I go camping with my friends? I learned quickly that simply saying “No” was not only ineffective, but it also seemed to instigate even more intensity and conflict. So I learned to embrace the present situation, make the best decision I could at the particular moment, stay connected with my kids, and enjoy the dance.

The big question is: How can we dance to a win-win place? I’m still working on dancing in the moment and not dwelling in the past nor planning stridently for the future. Living in the moment—and enjoying it without fear—takes a lot of faith.

TRUST
Having faith that living simply in the moment will lead to a rich life takes trust–in others, in ourselves, in a power bigger that all of us. And children can teach us about that trust! They trust us from the get-go, following our every move, watching us for signs of what is right and wrong, how to behave in certain situations, when to laugh, when to cry. Hopefully, we live up to the trust and offer our best selves as their role models. Hopefully, too, we learn to trust them to find their own inner wisdom and to use it.

LOVE
Ultimately, however, what matters most is love. Our children help us to witness and experience unconditional love. Even through the challenging, careless, risky, crazy things kids do, we still love them. I see this as divine intervention–our blessed children leading us on the path to a meaningful, righteous, sacred life.


With love and gratitude in my heart,

Dr. Kathy

Filed Under: Parenting Tips, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

A Holiday Gift for You

December 1, 2012 by

Give yourself a big gift this holiday. Maybe one of the biggest yet. Give yourself the gift of accepting yourself as a good parent. With this gift to yourself, you will experience self-love, freedom from guilt, and have fun doing it. You know you strive so hard to be the best you can be, wanting to support and nurture your kids so they can grow to be happy, self-sufficient, and connected to who and what they love.

When I was raising kids, my middle initial was “E,” for efficiency. My strategy was streamlining ______ (grocery shopping, morning routine, getting the dishes done, etc.), so I could do the next thing on the list. Sometimes, while reading bedtime stories, I was so exhausted, I would even grab several pages at once to skip though the book faster (until my kids caught on).

If you find your middle initial is “E” for efficiency or “B” for busy, you might relate to this, especially over the “busy holidays,” as we call them. What if, instead, we embraced a new initial: “I” for intimacy or “B” for balanced? What if–rather than fighting through meals, homework, carpooling, errands–we just decided to “chill” and really, truly enjoy the ride.

What if it were possible to apply “no regrets” to parenting? In the past, we have introduced you to some awesome resources on applying this idea–such as Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. Another fantastic resource is our current featured book No Regrets Parenting: Turning Long Days and Short Years into Cherished Moments with Your Kids by Harley A. Rotbart, MD. It helps parents “turn minutes of your day into moments of your lives.”

No Regrets Parenting is a gold mine of tips to bring meaningful moments into everyday parenting. One parent finds she “makes a point of holding hands with my kids more often.” Another says, “I focus on the time I do have with my kids rather than the time I don’t have.” Another said she started measuring her day by number of “hugs, smiles, laughs, cozy, warmth, fun.” There is even a section for “College and Beyond.” Not too late to start wherever you are.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if next time you are asked, “How are you?” instead of saying, “I am so busy,” you can respond, “I am doing great, enjoying being with my kids, and taking time to smell the Christmas tree”!

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

Dr. Kathy

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Highlights from the International Bullying Prevention Conference

November 10, 2012 by

And, oh, did we tell you we went to the International Bullying Prevention Conference in Kansas City?! Ruthie, Cassandra Dickson (a stellar member of our Family Empowerment Network family and co-writer of our new Face to Face book), and I could not have been more impressed with Kansas City and with all the people we met. Between the three of us, we attended 14 presentations by the nation’s leading authorities on preventing peer mistreatment. We were so excited about all we learned that we had to go “back to press” with this monthly blog. We couldn’t wait to share the highlights with you!

Rather than sharing my own thoughts, it seemed to make sense just to blurt. So here goes!

Stop Labeling
We need to remove the words bully and victim from our vocabulary. No child wants to admit to being a bully, no parent wants to acknowledge his/her child is a bully, and school officials shy away from accepting the fact that bullying exists in their school. By focusing on the action (peer mistreatment) rather than labeling someone a bully and then demonizing/ostracizing/punishing the child, we can actually focus all energy on reducing those actions, empowering kids to choose acceptable actions, and teaching all kids to be friendly and fair.

Connection is Key
One of the points made at the Conference loud and clear was that what really matters to kids is a sense of belonging. If we focus our attention on making sure that each child feels connected with at least one caring, trusted friend and has safe, supportive adults with whom to talk, the severity and frequency of actual peer mistreatment will be reduced.

Pay Special Attention to the High Risk Kids
According to research, kids are most likely targeted in school because of: the way they look, sexual orientation, gender issues, ability (e.g. not being good at sports), and ethnicity. This would imply that we focus attention on the following often-marginalized groups:

  • Children with disabilities (2-3 times more likely to be bullied than those without disabilities; e.g. 46% of kids with autism spectrum disorders were bullied)
  • LGBTQ kids (91% of high schoolers have heard anti-gay slurs; 75% of high schoolers have been taunted by anti-gay slurs; LGBT kids are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-LGBT kids; and Questioning kids are three times more likely)
  • Minority groups (ethnic groups, children of immigrants, undocumented workers, etc.)

What Adults (Parents and Educators) Can Do
According to the results of the Voice Dialogue Project conducted by Stan Davis and Dr. Charisse Nixon, kids say these three adult actions matter most when it comes to being mistreated by other kids:

  • Listen to me
  • Give me advice
  • Check in with me afterward to see if the behavior stopped


What Targeted Children Can Do for Themselves (according to results of the Voice Dialogue Project)

  • Tell an adult at home
  • Tell a friend
  • Make a joke about it (to help myself feel better)
  • Tell an adult at school
  • Remind myself it’s not my fault (works for teens only)
  • Pretend it doesn’t bother me (high school only)

What Bystanders Can Do . . . Become “Upstanders” (according to results of the Voice Dialogue Project)

  • Spend time with me at school
  • Talk to me at school to encourage me
  • Help me to get away from the situation
  • Give advice about what to do
  • Call me at home to encourage me (texting is good, too)
  • Help me to tell an adult
  • Make a distraction
  • Tell an adult

Friends are the Most Effective Allies
According to the research of Dr. Elizabeth Englander of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, elementary school kids are pretty good at telling teachers and parents when they are mistreated. Starting in grade five, however, they are more likely to tell their friends. In addition, in a bullying situation, kids say kindness by parents or other caring adults helped by 38%, but kindness by peers helped by 68%! What does this tell us? We need to empower kids to help others.

To that end, Dr. Englander and her staff offer free K-5 research-based bullying and cyberbullying curriculum online. Another great program focusing on positive peer-based prevention of youth aggression is Nancy Willard’s “Be a friend, Lend a Hand” program. There are others out there, too, but these can get you started on your journey to building a safer world for our children.

In Conclusion
What we have shared here is just a small sampling of all we have learned. There were break-out sessions on cyber-bullying, the cost of bullying, bullying in sports, digital citizenship, enhancing emotional literacy, and so much more. If you would like to access the presentation materials available, see the conference Web site. You also can anticipate that our new book, Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ REAL Social Lives in the Digital Age, will incorporate all the latest research and provide practical advice for how you can help the children in your life to master the art of connection.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. I would love to come to your school or school district and talk about what I have learned about peer mistreatment. Email or call me to discuss setting up a parent talk or a staff in-service training.

Filed Under: Parenting Tips, Schools and Education Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Learning the Life Skills That Matter

October 1, 2012 by

It’s October. Yes, the kids are settled in from the flurry of . . . new grade, new teacher, new classmates, new school clothes, new school supplies. . . . Now on to Stage Two of the school year, the real reason we send our kids to school–settling in to the learning! As parents, what does our support during Stage Two look like? What can we, as parents, do to support our children in their learning? To answer that question, we must have a goal in mind.

Most of us use the classic markers of test scores, grades, and homework to gauge how well our children are doing in school. We, thus, encourage them to achieve high marks and ask responsibly, “Did you finish your homework?” But, even if they complete all their homework and do well, is that really what should matter? Instead, perhaps we should be asking the question: What skills do our children really need so they grow up to be competent and independent adults? Only once we know what those skills are can we support them in learning how to become responsible, self-sufficient, contributing members of society who also can connect with others, love, experience joy, and continue to grow and learn. So, what are those skills that we can help to foster? What should they really be learning?

Ideas and points of view abound on this topic, but no one pinpoints the skills better than Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families and Work Institute and author of our featured book, Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. Galinsky brings to her work an extensive background of research on what helps kids thrive. Ruthie and I heard her speak last year, and we were blown away with her work and words—and the compelling video clips she shared on each of the key life skills she outlined.

Galinsky’s seven essential life skills every child needs include:

1. Focus and Self Control: Self-discipline has more influence on success in life than IQ. Maybe that is why I always have loved the equation: Intelligence = Hard Work + IQ. Nothing reinforces this idea better than the famous Stanford “Marshmallow Study.” The study involves offering a marshmallow to a four-year-old child and telling him or her, if s/he can wait 15 minutes, s/he will then get two marshmallows. What some kids do to resist eating the marshmallow is hilarious, but the outcome is profound. In studying these kids 18 years later, researchers learned that those who resisted eating the marshmallow were: better adjusted, less likely to abuse drugs, had better relationships, had higher self-esteem, were better at handling stress, obtained higher degrees, and made more money. Today, we have a culture of instant gratification that undermines self-control. Helping a child to learn to say “no” to him/herself is something we can encourage is small, everyday steps.

2. Perspective Taking: Understanding the perspective of another not only helps us to get along with others, but it also can improve school and work success. When someone can understand what the teacher (boss) wants and expects, s/he can deliver. University of California-Berkeley psychologist Alison Gopnik conducted a study showing that this skill can be developed over time and through practice. Check out her video. It’s fascinating how Gopnik expresses her affinity for broccoli and determines that, even though a child prefers crackers, the child will present Gopnik with the food she prefers.

3. Communicating: This skill not only involves communicating our ideas but also inhibiting our point of view enough to listen to others. Families who use sophisticated vocabulary with their children, read to them, encourage reading and writing (journaling, letter-writing, etc.), and have conversations about issues beyond the “here and now” are fostering language and literacy skills that will benefit their kids for a life-time. For more ideas on how to cultivate the communication skills of your children (or the children in your classroom), see the National Association for the Education of Young Children’s Study Guide to Mind in the Making, also written by Ellen Galinsky.

4. Making Connections:This skill embodies our “Aha” moments. Making connections starts with sorting and categorizing. How are things alike? How are they different? Matching games are great for this skill. Dr. Judy DeLoache of the University of Virginia has done extensive research on early cognitive development and has concluded: “Because of the fundamental role of symbolization in almost everything we do, perhaps no aspect of human development is more important than becoming symbol-minded.” Watch this interesting clip of DeLoache’s research with children looking for toys in a model room and learn how you can help your children learn to make connections through playing day-to-day games. (We love the game “Set” in our house, even though my son beats me nearly every time!)

5. Critical Thinking: Critical thinking is invaluable in real life; it allows us to get to the story behind the story to make good decisions–sort of like a scientific method for testing theories about “cause and effect.” In this chapter of her book, Galinsky offers evidence upon evidence of how the development of critical thinking is about nature AND nurture, genes AND environment (read: what we model and teach our children). One particularly fascinating study, conducted by scientists at Yale University’s Infant Cognition Center, explores how babies evaluate and develop attitudes toward different individuals. Galinsky also offers in this section loads of suggestions of how you can promote critical thinking in children such as by dissecting the ads when watching TV with your kids, promoting their curiosity through lots of questions and home experiments, and helping them to find “experts” other than you from whom to learn.

6. Taking on Challenges: Challenges can be stressful, even when they are positive. What helps kids to develop the skill of tackling challenges is having safe, dependable people to turn to and not having too much stress that lasts too long. Kids who fear failure or are being embarrassed while learning can develop a bad habit of not trying. In his “visual cliff” experiment, UC Berkeley’s Joseph Campos demonstrates the role of non-verbal communication in giving children the courage and impetus to take on challenges. Other researchers, such as Stanford’s Carol Dweck, examine the effect praise has on mindset and determination. Check out Dweck’s work here. The bottom line: Parents who praise efforts (“good for you for trying hard”) over results (“you’re smart”) foster a habit of “loving challenges.”

7. Self-Directed, Engaged Learning: This is my favorite skill that Galinsky highlights! In every successful childhood program she explored, the common ingredient was a “community of learners,” where administrators, teachers, parents, and the children were all learning together. She calls her model “facilitated learning” and posits that we all build on the knowledge of the entire group: The expert learns from the group; the group learns from the expert; and group members learn from each other. University of Massachusetts’ Edward Tronick’s experiment reveals just how essential face-to-face and normal give-and-take interaction with others is to human development.

Beyond just being a compelling read, what is perhaps most exciting is that this book has fostered “learning communities” all over the nation–where groups of parents, educators, and other family support and health professionals meet to 1) explore the research on children’s learning from birth through the early elementary school years, and 2) determine how best to use this research to promote better outcomes for children.

We live in a world that gets more complicated by the minute. Those who have these seven life skills will be able to adapt to the changes and the challenges. They will be the people who thrive. So, the next time you stop to ask your child, “Did you do your homework?” perhaps you can think to yourself: “What life skills can I help to foster in my child today?”

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

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Fresh Start: Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

September 1, 2012 by

For me, September connotes–like no other time of the year–renewal, recharging, new habits, and new starts. After a restorative summer of warm, lazy days, I find myself ready to plunge into autumn with vigor. Plus, some natural structures of the fall help me to stay on task: For 22 years of schooling, I had summers off, so the pattern of play-rest-fun followed by learning-study-work hard is deeply ingrained in me. The structure of everyone around me buckling down and focusing also helps—as does the weather. When it gets colder outside, it’s just not as much fun to be on my bike all day or to read in the hammock.

So, if today is the first day of the rest of my life, how can I make it be the best I can? In other words, what does my “success” look like from this perspective?

First, I firmly believe everyone needs to create his or her own version of success and stick to it. Getting wrapped up in what success is supposed to look like–money, grades, achievement, promotions, stuff—is a slippery slope. In a culture saturated with messages 24/7 that say, “I will be happy if I own . . .,” it is easy to get sucked in to consumerism.

Instead, we need to strive daily for what we really love. Your nirvana might be my nightmare or vice versa. We all have our own “quality worlds,” as William Glasser notes in his landmark book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. So, I ask you, what is in your quality world and what does the quality world of your child(ren) look like?

  • Who are the people you want to spend time with? Who loves you just as you are? Who inspires you? Who teaches you?
  • What are the things you like to do? Your passions? Meaningful work? Fun? Hobbies?
  • What are the thoughts, values, beliefs you want to have in your quality world?

Once you determine how your quality world looks, then make those people, those activities, those values and beliefs your priority. How do you do this despite the pressures of life and our consumerist culture? By doing your best daily to stay in touch with what matters to you. And how do you do this? Long walks, talks with good friends, yoga, meditation, journaling, monthly goals, or maybe personal growth books? All of these can be useful to children as well as adults!

Journaling is a great way to stay in touch with what matters, an opportunity to be 100% honest about what is important. One style of journaling I like is described in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron; she recommends writing three pages of free-flowing thoughts every day and calls this “Morning Pages” journaling. (OK, maybe three pages is a bit much, but you get the idea.)

Triggers also are windows into what matters most. When you are upset by something that happened or something someone said, consider it a gift. Pause and explore what is so important that it upset you. Ask what is your unmet need or value in the situation? If another person is involved, what perhaps is their unmet need or value? I like to write down all my judgmental thoughts, uncovering more and more of what is going on deep inside of me. This helps to clarify how I want to go forward in my relationship with the other person and what action might help me to stay true to my values. Learning how to identify needs and values can start at a young age and can be instrumental in developing self-understanding and in honing invaluable communication skills.

Interestingly, people are notoriously bad at predicting what makes them happy. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens while we are making other plans.” This truth reminds us to enjoy the now. Rather than focus on what future plans might make us happy, how about being happy right now in this moment over which we do have control? How can we thoroughly enjoy right now without worry of the future? How can we let go of the past and revel in the here and now? There is no better source of inspiration for this than Eckhart Tolle’s The New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

For teens and young adults, author Alan Lohner offers another tool for inspiration, our featured book of the month. Lohner says that Fail Not is designed to strengthen resiliency through self-affirmation. It is his wish that the book can help young people to develop a strong will to carry through on positive decisions, hopes, and dreams.

Right now, more than I have in the past, I am truly exploring what I want to do each day. I am mindfully enjoying each moment, striving to go to bed at night content–whether I was super productive or lazy. Just letting life flow. . . .

Hoping you find your quality world and let it flow,

Dr. Kathy

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Anticipation: The Sweetness of Expectation

August 1, 2012 by

Think back to the most exciting moments of your life. I would bet that all of them involved some time anticipating–building them up in your head so you would be able to savor them even more.

I recall one of my very favorite family vacations. It was a backpack trip for which Chip, my kids, and I spent hours over a map deciding where to go, adding new equipment to make it “even better,” and then hiking throughout the neighborhood with bricks in our backpacks to get in shape and to break in our new boots. Our imagination had kicked in, taking us into an expanded version of the many things that could happen. When the time finally came for the trip, we all were ready and eager, without a shred of doubt or fear. We were only going on one trip, but we had fun 1) looking forward to it and 2) actually doing it. It was like getting two trips for the price of one!

The very best “anticipation” often happens in the summer, especially in August. If you have children and can take a family vacation, life can slow down enough so there are long stretches of time between events.

When we take a break from our everyday world, we have time for anticipation. We are able to think about life in a day-dreamy, free-floating kind of way rather than focusing just on the events at hand and rushing half-ready to the next activity, and the next one. We can actually anticipate the get-togethers with friends and kids can actually anticipate their play dates with neighbors—thinking about all the possibilities of what might happen. We adults might even have time to think long-term and anticipate how to do things at work (or as a parent) differently–or the same–after our summer break. Holding thoughts and dreams in your head for even a little while gives them added sweetness, additional energy.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, considers anticipation in the lives of kids critical. He eloquently captures what happens when a child has time to look forward to something: “They begin to make mental pictures. . . . It doesn’t matter that the reality . . . will differ from their images. Richness is accruing. Waiting for something with anticipation builds a child’s character. It shows them that they have powers equal to the power of their own desires. It shows them their inner strength, the strength of powerful waiting. Unchecked, our wills are like weeds, threatening to take over our whole spirits; invasive vines of desire for what we want (everything) when we want it (now). Anticipation holds back the will, it counters instant gratification. It informs a child’s development and growth and builds their inner life.”

The other parts of anticipation I love are:

  • Its power as an antidote for stress. Like the Daniel Dennett quote suggests, when we are stressed by a difficult challenge ahead, we can anticipate the problems, break them down, come up with solutions, and get prepared for them. It is actually a mature way to deal with stress.
  • Its power to motivate. When we desire something strongly, what we are really doing is anticipating all the wonderful ways we will feel when we get it. Hanging on to that outcome can keep us going through the painful steps to get there.

Today’s cultural mantra seems to be “I’m too busy.” Everyone–mom, dad, kids, even the baby–is busy going to and from one organized activity to the next, often attending everyone else’s activities. With art class, sports, music, language, homework, and tutoring, during the school year, there is hardly time for eating, let alone free play. Forget time for chores or time to rest or time to look forward to the next thing. There is barely enough time to enjoy the present. (If our kids are so revved up and maxed out now, what will they have to do to stay excited about their life in the future? Fly to the moon?! Whatever it is, it will probably cost loads of money, and they will need to work even harder than we do to fund their “habit of busy-ness.” )

If we as parents made the decision to cut by half the number of activities in which our children participate, we would be forging a path to allow anticipation into the lives of our children. Ultimately, they would enjoy each activity more, appreciate what they do get to do, and expect less. (I also think this would eliminate the complaint about kids feeling “entitled” that I hear so frequently from parents. Truly, I believe entitlement stems from our fast-paced, busy lifestyle—and that, if we were to simplify, kids would be happy with a lot less.) There also would be long-term benefits to choosing a slower, anticipation-rich lifestyle: It would reverberate and bring us peace.

August–with its natural, more relaxing, unstructured pace–is a great time to practice putting anticipation back into our lives. Both our internal and external worlds will prosper from it.

With hopes your August is filled with pauses for and stretches of anticipation,

Dr. Kathy

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The Amazing, Spectacular, Extraordinary, Miraculous Power of Play

July 1, 2012 by

What comes to mind when you hear the word “play?” I go straight to children, laughter, squealing, exuberance, energy, movement, fun, timelessness, presence. At this time of year, more than any other, I am reminded of my resistance to growing up, and of the old adage, “All work and no play makes ___ a dull girl/boy.”

Nothing brings out the playfulness and child in me more than late spring and summer. I relish the mornings that greet me with warmth, fresh, clean air, birds chirping and the promise of many more days of the same. I am exhilarated by the feeling of freedom and excitement–freedom from indoors, schedules, and work obligations and excitement for all-day bike rides, hiking, walks, back-packing, outdoor parties, picnics, and just hanging out with friends on the porch with nothing to do.

My childhood was filled with free, unstructured play. Parents of the Sixties and Seventies considered play to be the child’s “job.” It’s what kids were supposed to do while parents did “grown-up” things. I would head outside in the morning and come back only for food or sports equipment or supplies for the next fort, spook house, or dress-up party.

What I learned while playing with my siblings and the neighborhood kids was that the whole world was not centered around just me. I learned that, yes, my needs and desires mattered but so did the needs and desires of my friends. If I wanted to get my way sometimes, I somehow figured out that I had to let others have their way, too. Sure, conflict arose, but I got ample practice working through it.

It turns out that research in the last few decades has confirmed that my parents were doing a really good thing by leaving me to my own devices, forcing me to use my imagination to run in the Olympics, build the Taj Mahal, dig a tunnel to China. Play experts such as Dr. Stuart Brown, the founder of The National Institute for Play, believe that play is instrumental in our human development, that it “shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul,” as the title of Brown’s seminal book notes.

Sadly, over the last few decades (just as the research was piling up about its value), play has been put on a back burner. In schools, our obsession with high achievement standards has led to cuts in gym and recess time. (Active kids must feel like they are in jail, without the outlet of movement!) At home, we are afraid of “strangers” outside, so our kids stay inside being influenced by an infinite number of strangers on TV and computers, most of whom are delivering negative messages that impact our kids’ mental health. (Their waistlines are showing the impact of this shift as well!)

Another notable change in children’s play is that it has moved from being child driven to parent driven. Perhaps to streamline our time schedules, perhaps to keep up with the Joneses, perhaps because we just really think we’re doing the right thing by our children–we now arrange play dates, sign up our kids for sports teams, pay for them to have music lessons, and schedule tutors to help them enhance their grades. We have “institutionalized” play. Even in the summer, the norm now around here is to send our kids to day camp or overnight camp. We cringe to think what they would do if we left the summer open ended.

The outcome? Our kids are overscheduled and overwhelmed, and they are missing out on learning invaluable life skills that will prepare them for productive, creative, well-balanced adult lives. Isn’t that what we really want for them?

How Will This Impact Their Future?
Not having plans for what you are going to do for the day opens up the imagination to infinite possibilities. What our children MUST HAVE to thrive in their future jobs and families is adaptability, resiliency, creative thinking, flexibility–because we are speeding exponentially toward more and more rapid changes. Solutions will have to come from the unconscious, creative mind to cope with it all. And play can help with that!

Creativity guru Kevin Carroll, author of The Red Rubber Ball at Work and other gems of inspiration, helps people harness the power of sport and play as a vehicle for chasing and achieving their dreams. In The Red Rubber Ball at Work, he shares words of wisdom from thought leaders, change agents, and business leaders to explain how to bring a sense of play into the workplace to stimulate creativity, encourage risk-taking, achieve goals–and have a great time doing it. His books are definitely worth a look!

His premise, based on play research, is that “role-playing prepares us for real-life situations, allowing us to practice making decisions under pressure, lead a group, and think abstractly. Group play teaches us to socialize and to cooperate. Play also gives us a chance to better know ourselves through self-evaluation and self-reflection. . . . Play also encourages creativity. . . .”

In truth, all of us are biologically wired to need play. Unstructured, spontaneous play helps us learn about the world, figure out how to deal with life’s challenges, and process emotions such as frustration, anger, embarrassment, and impatience. Dr. Brown explains the research thus: “The evidence continues to accumulate that the learning of emotional control, social competency, personal resiliency and continuing curiosity plus other life benefits accrue largely through rich developmentally appropriate play experiences. . . . From an evolutionary point of view, research suggests . . . the forces that initiate play lie in the ancient survival centers of the brain. . . . In other words, play is a basic biological necessity that has survived through the evolution of the brain.”

What Can We Do?
If we were really tapped into what we have allowed to happen, we would be passing emergency bills in Congress to:

Finally, at home, let children play freely (of course, with light supervision), skin their knees, get bored, learn from the stickiness of life! In doing so, you’ll be giving them the opportunity to build a repertoire of positive strategies for facing life’s challenges and building health relationships.

Wishing you joy!

Dr. Kathy

P.S. Play is so endangered and so critical to the well being of our children that we at Family Empowerment Network are making it one of the six touchstones or major “calls to attention” in our upcoming book, Kids’ Social Lives: How We Can Help Our Kids Master the Art of Connection. Watch our website for announcements about our new book, which will include even more information about the amazing, spectacular,
extraordinary, miraculous power of play.

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The Truth About Lying

May 1, 2012 by

In my life coaching, I often hear from parents worried about their kids lying. Parents say, “I can put up with a lot from my kid, from lack of cooperation in chores and homework to fighting over screen time. What crosses the line is lying. I will not accept or tolerate it.” Does this sound familiar?
Always the question is an incredulous, “How could my child lie to me? He/she knows it is wrong.”

A question I have for you is why do you lie? What do you say to:

  • What do you think of my painting?
  • Did that bother you?
  • Do you mind . . . if I cut in front of you? If I take this call?
  • Do I look fat in this dress?
  • Why didn’t you invite me to go along? To your party?
  • Why did you break up with me?
  • Mom, did you smoke pot when you were a teen?

We call them “white lies.” I say they are lies nonetheless. Consider being late and saying you “got caught in traffic,” rather than telling the truth that you left the house too late. We lie to “protect” the other person’s feelings, for “their own good,” to save face, to get what we want, to hide some part of ourselves we are embarrassed about, as a “social lubricant” for awkward situations. The list goes on.

Pamela Meyer, author of our featured book, Lie Spotting, says that, in our culture, we hear 10-200 lies per day. If you find that as hard to believe as I did, check out her fantastic, not-to-be-missed TED talk on “How to Spot a Liar.”

Back to why children might lie:

  • To avoid unpleasant tasks like brushing teeth or homework.
  • If they feel they are not meeting parental expectations (for love and approval).
  • To impress people.
  • If they are more afraid of the consequences of telling the truth than what will happen if they get caught lying. (Of course, they plan on not getting caught.) Look at what is it about your parenting, your reaction, that encourages lying instead of truth-telling.
  • The truth is too boring. If your child is young, under seven, he/she might be experimenting with lying as he/she blends an imaginary world with the real world. It might look like imaginary friends who break vases. My five-year-old once stole candy from a store but wanted so badly to be good that she lied about doing it.
  • A favorite from my family: rigid rules. In my family, it was absolutely unacceptable to do drugs or alcohol. I knew this (and I agree it was a very reasonable rule), but how I handled this rule as a budding teen striving for independence, excitement, and peer acceptance was that I just crawled out the window. Because I was a “good girl by day,” I pretty much got away with getting drunk and doing every drug short of IV drugs. I got away with my lying, except the one time I got so drunk that “everyone” knew. If your child should decide to experiment with drugs and alcohol or engage in other dangerous activities, do you want the behavior to go underground like this?
  • As an effective short-term coping strategy. When a child lies unchecked to avoid accountability, it may become a way of life as an adult.

So, how do you spot lying?

  • If you suspect lying, document your child’s story in writing. Go back later and ask for the details again. If it is the truth, it will come out the same. If it was a lie, she will have trouble remembering what the lie was. Another strategy is to have your child tell the story in backwards order, which makes it harder to keep the lies straight.
  • Know the cues (Take this lie-spotting quiz to learn more.)
  • De-personalization
  • Inconsistency
  • Emphatic/strong: intense eye contact, very strong emotions
  • Over-embellished prologue, story, epilogue
  • Advanced course . . . check out Pamela Meyer’s book.

How can you encourage truth-telling?

  • Don’t overreact to the truth. If you are triggered and angry about what you are hearing, take a break. Calm down. Then talk.
  • Look for the positive intent. Get curious about why they did what they did, said what they said. Delve deep into what is going on inside their heads. What were they were so afraid of that they lied? (This might take two or three conversations.)
  • Don’t punish your children when they tell the truth. Instead, thank them for being brave enough to be honest.
  • If your kid lies and eventually does tell the truth, let him/her know you appreciate honesty but still follow through with consequences. Watch your judgment/labeling (“liar,” “sneak,” “not to be trusted”). Separate the action of lying from the person your child is.
  • Avoid putting your child in a position in which he feels he “has” to lie. In other words, don’t set your child up. If you know he did something wrong, don’t ask, “Did you break that vase?” Also, consider your child’s requests. Do you say “no” to requests or not take them seriously enough, so your kids feel they have to lie to have choices in their lives?
  • Lies are a part of our everyday life. Our kids observe our “white lies” and don’t understand the nuances behind them. Short and simple: Don’t model lying! Be as honest and forthright as you can, and be aware when you are telling “white lies.” Note that not talking is an upgrade from “white lies.”
  • Value connection with your kids. Once kids start lying, they have trouble keeping the story straight—-so they quit talking to you at all to avoid getting tripped up in their lies.

Want to take this to even a higher level? Commit to a truth-telling culture. Be warned, however, that there are challenges. We live in a culture where the social norm is often about comfort over honesty, where “white lies” keep things smooth for the moment. (This is especially true with our more peripheral relationships where I have caught myself telling two white lies in the last 24 hours.)

I would suggest starting by being 100% honest in those relationships that matter the most. Our close friends and family accept us unconditionally, want to hear our truth, and are most likely to appreciate honesty. This can only strengthen our authenticity, openness and create closer, deeper, and even more connected relationships. Then we can gently take this bold honesty out into the world and strengthen all of our relationships.

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy

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Stress: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

March 1, 2012 by

We figured March would be a good time to bring up stress. Things seem to rev up at this time of the year. Our schedules are maxed out, and we are ready for nice weather, outdoor time, even just plain lounging around. Meanwhile . . . stress. What can we do about it NOW? Go ahead, try the 1+3+10 rule right now:

    1. Tell yourself inside your head to be calm.
    2. Take THREE deep, slow breaths from your tummy.
    3. Count slowly to TEN inside your head.

THE GOOD
Now that you’re calm, I want to start off by saying that . . . stress is not always a bad thing. Stress, by definition, is “a state of arousal that involves both the mind and the body in response to demands.” A little stress or tension is required to grow and learn, maximize potential, maybe even get into the flow of using our skills and passions.

It also can be a wake-up call that something isn’t working well and act as the catalyst for being attentive to what needs attention. I remember the degree of tension I needed to feel when preparing to run a good 10K or play tennis well. Too little, and I just couldn’t cut it. Too much, and I was jittery and couldn’t get in my groove.

We all know too much stress is harmful. But too little stress can also be harmful, leading to a life of boredom, listlessness, and “stuck-ness.” The following graph says it all. Having no anxiety puts us in the “Comfort or Boredom zone.” Where we really want to spend our days is with moderate stress and challenge–where health, happiness, and performance are optimized.

THE BAD
Stress, worry, and anxiety can be paralyzing. They can lead to insomnia, food disorders (too much and too little), and depression. They can interfere with your work, your learning, your fun, and even your relationships.

The stress that comes with procrastination also can blow up on you. One of my favorite behaviors is procrastination. I say “favorite,” because I keep doing it over and over–so I must get something out of it. I think I value the energy surge I get after procrastination, when deadlines hit. With the panic of the deadline, adrenalin flows and I get the job done. But then there’s a long-term problem: I feel exhausted afterward and am not good for anything but vegging out. Then the next deadline hits, and I rev up again. Don’t always make it. Sloppy job. Maybe I spread my pain to people around me and scream to be rescued. It has been known to happen.

THE UGLY
A lot of stress is deadly, literally, as in die or suffer severe complications. You could stroke out, have a heart attack, commit suicide, burst an ulcer right through the stomach lining, get addicted to drugs or alcohol. . . .

SO, WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
Give yourself, your partner and your kids a gift: LIVE! Live a full and healthy life. Exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, have fun. Then you won’t don’t die or stroke out before your time. What’s the trick, you ask?

  • Deal with your stress now. Take your stress as a signal that things are not working out the way you want. Come up with concrete steps to act differently, think differently. Once you take a few steps, you will feel better and have more energy to continue to move forward with changing your life for the better.
  • Stop modeling stress and anxiety as everyday reactions to life’s big and little problems.
  • Exercise. It’s the best quick impact for life free from stress; endorphins are like an antidote.

To delve deeper into managing your stress, be sure to check out our “emPOWER TOOL” this month, Fighting Invisible Tigers: A Stress Management Guide for Teens (and us). Here are some of the tips offered:

  • Weave a safety net of support of friends and loved ones, people who love you unconditionally. (Starting or joining a Raising Our Daughters/Sons parent discussion group is a great way to create a “village” or safety net.)
  • Take charge of your life. Because no one can control you and you can’t control anyone else, if you are not happy about it, do something about it! Be assertive and ask for what you want.
  • Check out your “shoulds.” Are you a perfectionist and imposing a big dose of grandiose expectations on yourself and others with the constant stress of disappointment? I say chuck “should” out of your vocabulary!
  • Laugh and play. Try the lighter side of life. Dr. Fry from Stanford researches humor and says, “Humor protects us from the destruction of negative emotions.” Watch funny movies. Hang out with funny friends.

Dale Carnegie also wrote a great book about stress and worry that’s worth having on your bookshelf: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: Time Tested Methods for Conquering Worry. In fact, if you consider yourself an anxious person, this may be the best $14 you’ll ever spend! Carnegie tells us:

  • Catch it early.
  • Don’t fuss over little things. Carnegie says, ”Don’t let the mere termites of life ruin your happiness.”
  • Be concerned about problems but not worried. If you are concerned, you take steps to be sure you minimize bad outcomes. Worry just works you up into a frenzy that takes your energy away from solving the problem.
  • Break the worry habit. Kind of like how to quit smoking: Set aside certain times of the day when you will worry. When it is not that time, write it down and save it for later.
  • Analyze a big worry: 1. Get the facts. 2. Analyze the facts. 3. Arrive at a solution, a decision. 4. Act on that decision. End of story.
  • “Our lives are what our thoughts make it.” Steer your thoughts toward a good life that you love.

Byron Katie’s Loving What Is also has a great process to address worries, especially those future disaster stories we make up and then worry about. Although the book is fantastic, to get a sneak peak at Katie’s work, download her free booklet.

My last suggestion to minimize stress and maximize living comes from my current book club read, Buddha’s Brain: “Happiness is taking action now!”

Here’s to taking action now!

Dr. Kathy
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