Step Up and Power Down

April 1, 2013 by

Screen-Free Week (formerly TV-Turnoff) approaches, April 29-May 5, we all have the perfect opportunity to reflect on the impact of our family screen time—and to choose: Participate or not participate? Don’t panic. The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood, organizer of this national effort to “turn off screens and turn on life,” isn’t asking you to stop using your computer for work or to stop talking on your phone. The goal of the week is to power down screens used for entertainment, so you’ll have more time to do other things such as play outside and read.

I’m all for giving it a try—and here’s just one of many reasons why: The more we learn about interpersonal neurobiology and how the brain works, the more evidence there is that we become less capable socially if we spend too much time in front of screens. This is especially true for our children, whose brains are still in the process of being developed. All the ins and outs of how dramatically media use can affect the pathways in brains are yet to be discovered, but here is some scary evidence:

  • University of Washington pediatrician Dimitri Christakis shares his research in a TEDxRainier talk called “Media and Children.” He states that every hour per day a child under three watches TV increases that child’s chance of having attentional deficits by 10% (no matter what the quality of programming). With the brain pathways being laid during a child’s first thousand days of development, these attentional deficits are irreversible and will impact the child’s social and emotional skills throughout his/her life.
  • Stanford psychologist Philip G. Zimbardo delves into another frightening phenomenon related to digital use: He points out that boys start watching pornography as young as age 10, that the average American high school boy spends two hours each week watching porn, and that it can lead to “arousal addictions.” To further underscore the consequences of pornography addiction, a 2011 study showed that, over time, pornography addiction can lead to erectile dysfunction—a dramatic example of the brain’s rewiring due to the overuse/abuse of media. For further exploration of this important topic, check out Gary Wilson’s TED talk on the Great Porn Experiment or Philip Zimbardo’s TED talk.

Whether it’s watching TV shows, cartoons, or movies, playing games, engaging in social networking, or just surfing the Internet, screen use for entertainment is likely changing who our children will become. In that light, I recommend being vigilant about the quantity and quality of what they’re seeing and doing. Here are a few tips to consider as you contemplate your family screen time:


Be careful what you let in.

Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” What if this quote were true, that “You are what you think”? If you watch Bart put down his dumb dad every day, how do you treat your own dad? If you watch “Power Rangers” regularly, dress up and “play fight” with your friends as a Ranger, and write stories about Power Rangers for school, how do you handle real-life conflict? In contrast, if you watch Mr. Rogers patiently teach you about the ways of the farm, the family, a restaurant, or how to treat others, do you develop patience and tolerance and learn how to get along in the world? And, think about the nightly news. Does it inspire you to be a better person and help others?

Choose your media as carefully as you choose your friends.

I first heard these words from Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia. She shared the irony that we keep our kids inside, afraid of the strangers at the park, yet plop them down in front of the television and let all kinds of unseemly characters into their absorbing minds–from violent cartoon villains, to snarky “cool” kids, to Disney princesses needing to be rescued.

It’s harder to change a bad habit than it is to keep a good one.

Screen-Free Week is a good time to start cutting back on screen time and then carrying over the new healthy habits into an outdoor summer. The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood has a free, comprehensive Screen-Free Week Organizer’s Kit available for download on its Web site. It’s filled with suggested activities, fact sheets about the impact of screens on our lives, sample promotion materials, and much more. If you’re inclined to acknowledge the week in a more low-key way, have a family meeting to brainstorm what you would like to be doing more of as a family, especially physical and/or creative activities. Once you have the list, make a family plan to do the activities; you’ll find that you need to cut back on screen use to make the activities happen.

Moderation is the key.

I would never in a million years ask you to give up chocolate completely. Same thing with TV and movies and playing video games. As with chocolate, the key is moderation: Every once in a while is OK, but too much is not. Unfortunately, the average American watches more than four hours of screen entertainment per day. That seems like a lot of “connecting” time given over to media. Doreen Dodgen-Magee, Ph.D., examines our digital dilemma in her article, “The Key to Surviving the Negative Impact of Digital Technology: Moderation,” and she offers a lot of food for thought. For a few other ways to keep digital entertainment in check, consider these suggestions:

  • Keep the TV and computer out of the bedroom.
  • If your kids are under 10, think about limiting screen entertainment to weekends. Weekdays are complicated enough with homework, sports, music, dance, gymnastics, etc.
  • If your kids are a little older, come to a mutual agreement about the quantity and quality of their screen use—even to the point of their writing out and signing the agreement. Build in consequences for not following the agreement.
  • If your family watches TV shows and movies and plays video games, choose wisely. Organizations such as Common Sense Media provides reviews and recommendations for age-appropriate TV shows, movies, music, games, apps, etc.


Because our children are digital “natives” with the Internet and digital devices available 24/7–unlike any generation before them–we need to mindfully make choices and cultivate in them the inner wisdom that will allow them to master the art of social connection in this challenging Digital Age. Our forthcoming book, Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ Social Lives in Today’s Digital World, will give you the tools and encouragement to address this critical new parenting dilemma. In the meantime, ask your family: Are we playing outside more than we’re playing video games? Are TV shows and movies we watch influencing us positively and inspiring us? Do we have enough quality “connecting” time? If each of you can answer yes to the above, you’re on the right track and your children will thrive. If you can’t answer yes to the questions, it may be time to step up and power down.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For inspiration, check out The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood’s “101 Screen-Free Activities.”

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Connection: It Starts with Respect

January 31, 2013 by

Winter is a natural time of year to focus on connection. In snuggling together in our homes, trying to stave off the cold, slushy weather outside, we can nurture our connections with each other and become re-energized. Isn’t that a great image? Snuggling, secure, warm, connected, at ease, and relaxed? Isn’t this what we crave? Isn’t this what our bodies and spirits need?

We do experience fleeting moments of connection when our “battery recharges,” and we cherish those moments deeply. The reality is, however, that we don’t seem to experience those moments as often or for as long we would like or even need. Shouldn’t taking the time to relax and connect with each other be a priority of our life rhythm?

Unfortunately, what I see as a life coach is that, rather than conserving energy and focusing on peace, ease, and connection, family life never seems to slow down: School projects take over the family dining table, sports teams’ practices gear up in anticipation of spring season, we eat in our cars on the way to dance and gymnastics, and everyone goes to bed later and later because there is always so much to do. The truth of the matter is: Slowing down enough to put closeness and strong ties into your days today can lead to smoother sailing over the next few months–when the spring season of action, growth, and school deadlines arrives.

So, what does my title, “Connection: It Starts with Respect,” have to do with all this? Bottom line is: Respect for ourselves, our partners, and our kids provides the impetus for us to slow down enough and take the time to make connection a priority for each person in the family.

Respect is a bit of a dicey word in our culture today. Many parents feel they are not getting enough of it from their kids. Most tweens and teens feel they are not getting enough of it from the adults in their lives: parents, teachers, coaches, salespeople in stores, etc. My teenagers used to ask me to shop with them, because of the lack of respect and trust they felt from the salespeople.

Another side of this is that both adults and tweens/teens get hung up with, “They don’t deserve my respect.” In truth, the word deserve does not appear in the Webster definition of respect: “high or special regard or to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody.” Listening to and connecting with someone you don’t have respect for is challenging. Think about it. When you are with an adult you don’t respect, how attentive are you to what she has to say? How much time do you want to spend with him?

Now think about your children. Do you really respect them with “special or high regard?” Do you find yourself sometimes dis-regarding or dismissing what they have to say, because . . . they are too young, you know better, they are saying ____ to manipulate me or get their way. How well can one really listen and connect if respect is missing?

Our book this month, Respectful Parents, Respectful Children, reminds us that respect starts with us: parents. When we treat our children with respect, we model respect and we listen. We listen for what they really value and long for. When we listen like this, our children feel heard.

How do you begin to practice this powerful lesson?

1. Start by saying, “I respect you for . . . ” to your child more often. (This is the first step I focus on in my “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” class that starts this month.) The way this works is that you take a few minutes to write down the qualities you respect and admire in your child. Then, be on the alert for real-life opportunities when your child manifests those qualities. When the opportunities arise (and they will), say, “I respect (admire) you for . . . (insert quality). An example is: “I really respect how hard you studied for the math test.”

2. Listen for the underlying value or need driving your child’s behavior or request. (This step will be covered in our upcoming “Compassionate Communication” class.) Ask yourself, for example, when your child is having a temper tantrum, does she have a need for sleep, food, rest, attention? If your child is not keeping his or her room clean, does he have a need for creativity, independence, choice? Sometimes, all you can do is guess, but calling attention to the value/need helps us to figure out what makes our kids tick rather than just focusing on the behavior and how to squelch it. Once our kids get connected to their own values/needs and realize we are really trying to understand them, then they are in a better place to listen to our values and needs. Just giving your kids what they need is not what this is about. Rather, helping them to discover their underlying needs so they (sometimes with your help) can come up with effective ways to get their needs met while considering your needs is a win-win for both of you.

If you are an information junkie like me, check out the following links for more information on this complicated but powerful topic:

I challenge you to use this wonderful winter season to brush up on your parenting skills by focusing on respect and learning the invaluable tool of Compassionate Communication.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

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Fresh Start: Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

September 1, 2012 by

For me, September connotes–like no other time of the year–renewal, recharging, new habits, and new starts. After a restorative summer of warm, lazy days, I find myself ready to plunge into autumn with vigor. Plus, some natural structures of the fall help me to stay on task: For 22 years of schooling, I had summers off, so the pattern of play-rest-fun followed by learning-study-work hard is deeply ingrained in me. The structure of everyone around me buckling down and focusing also helps—as does the weather. When it gets colder outside, it’s just not as much fun to be on my bike all day or to read in the hammock.

So, if today is the first day of the rest of my life, how can I make it be the best I can? In other words, what does my “success” look like from this perspective?

First, I firmly believe everyone needs to create his or her own version of success and stick to it. Getting wrapped up in what success is supposed to look like–money, grades, achievement, promotions, stuff—is a slippery slope. In a culture saturated with messages 24/7 that say, “I will be happy if I own . . .,” it is easy to get sucked in to consumerism.

Instead, we need to strive daily for what we really love. Your nirvana might be my nightmare or vice versa. We all have our own “quality worlds,” as William Glasser notes in his landmark book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom. So, I ask you, what is in your quality world and what does the quality world of your child(ren) look like?

  • Who are the people you want to spend time with? Who loves you just as you are? Who inspires you? Who teaches you?
  • What are the things you like to do? Your passions? Meaningful work? Fun? Hobbies?
  • What are the thoughts, values, beliefs you want to have in your quality world?

Once you determine how your quality world looks, then make those people, those activities, those values and beliefs your priority. How do you do this despite the pressures of life and our consumerist culture? By doing your best daily to stay in touch with what matters to you. And how do you do this? Long walks, talks with good friends, yoga, meditation, journaling, monthly goals, or maybe personal growth books? All of these can be useful to children as well as adults!

Journaling is a great way to stay in touch with what matters, an opportunity to be 100% honest about what is important. One style of journaling I like is described in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron; she recommends writing three pages of free-flowing thoughts every day and calls this “Morning Pages” journaling. (OK, maybe three pages is a bit much, but you get the idea.)

Triggers also are windows into what matters most. When you are upset by something that happened or something someone said, consider it a gift. Pause and explore what is so important that it upset you. Ask what is your unmet need or value in the situation? If another person is involved, what perhaps is their unmet need or value? I like to write down all my judgmental thoughts, uncovering more and more of what is going on deep inside of me. This helps to clarify how I want to go forward in my relationship with the other person and what action might help me to stay true to my values. Learning how to identify needs and values can start at a young age and can be instrumental in developing self-understanding and in honing invaluable communication skills.

Interestingly, people are notoriously bad at predicting what makes them happy. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens while we are making other plans.” This truth reminds us to enjoy the now. Rather than focus on what future plans might make us happy, how about being happy right now in this moment over which we do have control? How can we thoroughly enjoy right now without worry of the future? How can we let go of the past and revel in the here and now? There is no better source of inspiration for this than Eckhart Tolle’s The New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

For teens and young adults, author Alan Lohner offers another tool for inspiration, our featured book of the month. Lohner says that Fail Not is designed to strengthen resiliency through self-affirmation. It is his wish that the book can help young people to develop a strong will to carry through on positive decisions, hopes, and dreams.

Right now, more than I have in the past, I am truly exploring what I want to do each day. I am mindfully enjoying each moment, striving to go to bed at night content–whether I was super productive or lazy. Just letting life flow. . . .

Hoping you find your quality world and let it flow,

Dr. Kathy

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Anticipation: The Sweetness of Expectation

August 1, 2012 by

Think back to the most exciting moments of your life. I would bet that all of them involved some time anticipating–building them up in your head so you would be able to savor them even more.

I recall one of my very favorite family vacations. It was a backpack trip for which Chip, my kids, and I spent hours over a map deciding where to go, adding new equipment to make it “even better,” and then hiking throughout the neighborhood with bricks in our backpacks to get in shape and to break in our new boots. Our imagination had kicked in, taking us into an expanded version of the many things that could happen. When the time finally came for the trip, we all were ready and eager, without a shred of doubt or fear. We were only going on one trip, but we had fun 1) looking forward to it and 2) actually doing it. It was like getting two trips for the price of one!

The very best “anticipation” often happens in the summer, especially in August. If you have children and can take a family vacation, life can slow down enough so there are long stretches of time between events.

When we take a break from our everyday world, we have time for anticipation. We are able to think about life in a day-dreamy, free-floating kind of way rather than focusing just on the events at hand and rushing half-ready to the next activity, and the next one. We can actually anticipate the get-togethers with friends and kids can actually anticipate their play dates with neighbors—thinking about all the possibilities of what might happen. We adults might even have time to think long-term and anticipate how to do things at work (or as a parent) differently–or the same–after our summer break. Holding thoughts and dreams in your head for even a little while gives them added sweetness, additional energy.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, considers anticipation in the lives of kids critical. He eloquently captures what happens when a child has time to look forward to something: “They begin to make mental pictures. . . . It doesn’t matter that the reality . . . will differ from their images. Richness is accruing. Waiting for something with anticipation builds a child’s character. It shows them that they have powers equal to the power of their own desires. It shows them their inner strength, the strength of powerful waiting. Unchecked, our wills are like weeds, threatening to take over our whole spirits; invasive vines of desire for what we want (everything) when we want it (now). Anticipation holds back the will, it counters instant gratification. It informs a child’s development and growth and builds their inner life.”

The other parts of anticipation I love are:

  • Its power as an antidote for stress. Like the Daniel Dennett quote suggests, when we are stressed by a difficult challenge ahead, we can anticipate the problems, break them down, come up with solutions, and get prepared for them. It is actually a mature way to deal with stress.
  • Its power to motivate. When we desire something strongly, what we are really doing is anticipating all the wonderful ways we will feel when we get it. Hanging on to that outcome can keep us going through the painful steps to get there.

Today’s cultural mantra seems to be “I’m too busy.” Everyone–mom, dad, kids, even the baby–is busy going to and from one organized activity to the next, often attending everyone else’s activities. With art class, sports, music, language, homework, and tutoring, during the school year, there is hardly time for eating, let alone free play. Forget time for chores or time to rest or time to look forward to the next thing. There is barely enough time to enjoy the present. (If our kids are so revved up and maxed out now, what will they have to do to stay excited about their life in the future? Fly to the moon?! Whatever it is, it will probably cost loads of money, and they will need to work even harder than we do to fund their “habit of busy-ness.” )

If we as parents made the decision to cut by half the number of activities in which our children participate, we would be forging a path to allow anticipation into the lives of our children. Ultimately, they would enjoy each activity more, appreciate what they do get to do, and expect less. (I also think this would eliminate the complaint about kids feeling “entitled” that I hear so frequently from parents. Truly, I believe entitlement stems from our fast-paced, busy lifestyle—and that, if we were to simplify, kids would be happy with a lot less.) There also would be long-term benefits to choosing a slower, anticipation-rich lifestyle: It would reverberate and bring us peace.

August–with its natural, more relaxing, unstructured pace–is a great time to practice putting anticipation back into our lives. Both our internal and external worlds will prosper from it.

With hopes your August is filled with pauses for and stretches of anticipation,

Dr. Kathy

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The Amazing, Spectacular, Extraordinary, Miraculous Power of Play

July 1, 2012 by

What comes to mind when you hear the word “play?” I go straight to children, laughter, squealing, exuberance, energy, movement, fun, timelessness, presence. At this time of year, more than any other, I am reminded of my resistance to growing up, and of the old adage, “All work and no play makes ___ a dull girl/boy.”

Nothing brings out the playfulness and child in me more than late spring and summer. I relish the mornings that greet me with warmth, fresh, clean air, birds chirping and the promise of many more days of the same. I am exhilarated by the feeling of freedom and excitement–freedom from indoors, schedules, and work obligations and excitement for all-day bike rides, hiking, walks, back-packing, outdoor parties, picnics, and just hanging out with friends on the porch with nothing to do.

My childhood was filled with free, unstructured play. Parents of the Sixties and Seventies considered play to be the child’s “job.” It’s what kids were supposed to do while parents did “grown-up” things. I would head outside in the morning and come back only for food or sports equipment or supplies for the next fort, spook house, or dress-up party.

What I learned while playing with my siblings and the neighborhood kids was that the whole world was not centered around just me. I learned that, yes, my needs and desires mattered but so did the needs and desires of my friends. If I wanted to get my way sometimes, I somehow figured out that I had to let others have their way, too. Sure, conflict arose, but I got ample practice working through it.

It turns out that research in the last few decades has confirmed that my parents were doing a really good thing by leaving me to my own devices, forcing me to use my imagination to run in the Olympics, build the Taj Mahal, dig a tunnel to China. Play experts such as Dr. Stuart Brown, the founder of The National Institute for Play, believe that play is instrumental in our human development, that it “shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul,” as the title of Brown’s seminal book notes.

Sadly, over the last few decades (just as the research was piling up about its value), play has been put on a back burner. In schools, our obsession with high achievement standards has led to cuts in gym and recess time. (Active kids must feel like they are in jail, without the outlet of movement!) At home, we are afraid of “strangers” outside, so our kids stay inside being influenced by an infinite number of strangers on TV and computers, most of whom are delivering negative messages that impact our kids’ mental health. (Their waistlines are showing the impact of this shift as well!)

Another notable change in children’s play is that it has moved from being child driven to parent driven. Perhaps to streamline our time schedules, perhaps to keep up with the Joneses, perhaps because we just really think we’re doing the right thing by our children–we now arrange play dates, sign up our kids for sports teams, pay for them to have music lessons, and schedule tutors to help them enhance their grades. We have “institutionalized” play. Even in the summer, the norm now around here is to send our kids to day camp or overnight camp. We cringe to think what they would do if we left the summer open ended.

The outcome? Our kids are overscheduled and overwhelmed, and they are missing out on learning invaluable life skills that will prepare them for productive, creative, well-balanced adult lives. Isn’t that what we really want for them?

How Will This Impact Their Future?
Not having plans for what you are going to do for the day opens up the imagination to infinite possibilities. What our children MUST HAVE to thrive in their future jobs and families is adaptability, resiliency, creative thinking, flexibility–because we are speeding exponentially toward more and more rapid changes. Solutions will have to come from the unconscious, creative mind to cope with it all. And play can help with that!

Creativity guru Kevin Carroll, author of The Red Rubber Ball at Work and other gems of inspiration, helps people harness the power of sport and play as a vehicle for chasing and achieving their dreams. In The Red Rubber Ball at Work, he shares words of wisdom from thought leaders, change agents, and business leaders to explain how to bring a sense of play into the workplace to stimulate creativity, encourage risk-taking, achieve goals–and have a great time doing it. His books are definitely worth a look!

His premise, based on play research, is that “role-playing prepares us for real-life situations, allowing us to practice making decisions under pressure, lead a group, and think abstractly. Group play teaches us to socialize and to cooperate. Play also gives us a chance to better know ourselves through self-evaluation and self-reflection. . . . Play also encourages creativity. . . .”

In truth, all of us are biologically wired to need play. Unstructured, spontaneous play helps us learn about the world, figure out how to deal with life’s challenges, and process emotions such as frustration, anger, embarrassment, and impatience. Dr. Brown explains the research thus: “The evidence continues to accumulate that the learning of emotional control, social competency, personal resiliency and continuing curiosity plus other life benefits accrue largely through rich developmentally appropriate play experiences. . . . From an evolutionary point of view, research suggests . . . the forces that initiate play lie in the ancient survival centers of the brain. . . . In other words, play is a basic biological necessity that has survived through the evolution of the brain.”

What Can We Do?
If we were really tapped into what we have allowed to happen, we would be passing emergency bills in Congress to:

Finally, at home, let children play freely (of course, with light supervision), skin their knees, get bored, learn from the stickiness of life! In doing so, you’ll be giving them the opportunity to build a repertoire of positive strategies for facing life’s challenges and building health relationships.

Wishing you joy!

Dr. Kathy

P.S. Play is so endangered and so critical to the well being of our children that we at Family Empowerment Network are making it one of the six touchstones or major “calls to attention” in our upcoming book, Kids’ Social Lives: How We Can Help Our Kids Master the Art of Connection. Watch our website for announcements about our new book, which will include even more information about the amazing, spectacular,
extraordinary, miraculous power of play.

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The Truth About Lying

May 1, 2012 by

In my life coaching, I often hear from parents worried about their kids lying. Parents say, “I can put up with a lot from my kid, from lack of cooperation in chores and homework to fighting over screen time. What crosses the line is lying. I will not accept or tolerate it.” Does this sound familiar?
Always the question is an incredulous, “How could my child lie to me? He/she knows it is wrong.”

A question I have for you is why do you lie? What do you say to:

  • What do you think of my painting?
  • Did that bother you?
  • Do you mind . . . if I cut in front of you? If I take this call?
  • Do I look fat in this dress?
  • Why didn’t you invite me to go along? To your party?
  • Why did you break up with me?
  • Mom, did you smoke pot when you were a teen?

We call them “white lies.” I say they are lies nonetheless. Consider being late and saying you “got caught in traffic,” rather than telling the truth that you left the house too late. We lie to “protect” the other person’s feelings, for “their own good,” to save face, to get what we want, to hide some part of ourselves we are embarrassed about, as a “social lubricant” for awkward situations. The list goes on.

Pamela Meyer, author of our featured book, Lie Spotting, says that, in our culture, we hear 10-200 lies per day. If you find that as hard to believe as I did, check out her fantastic, not-to-be-missed TED talk on “How to Spot a Liar.”

Back to why children might lie:

  • To avoid unpleasant tasks like brushing teeth or homework.
  • If they feel they are not meeting parental expectations (for love and approval).
  • To impress people.
  • If they are more afraid of the consequences of telling the truth than what will happen if they get caught lying. (Of course, they plan on not getting caught.) Look at what is it about your parenting, your reaction, that encourages lying instead of truth-telling.
  • The truth is too boring. If your child is young, under seven, he/she might be experimenting with lying as he/she blends an imaginary world with the real world. It might look like imaginary friends who break vases. My five-year-old once stole candy from a store but wanted so badly to be good that she lied about doing it.
  • A favorite from my family: rigid rules. In my family, it was absolutely unacceptable to do drugs or alcohol. I knew this (and I agree it was a very reasonable rule), but how I handled this rule as a budding teen striving for independence, excitement, and peer acceptance was that I just crawled out the window. Because I was a “good girl by day,” I pretty much got away with getting drunk and doing every drug short of IV drugs. I got away with my lying, except the one time I got so drunk that “everyone” knew. If your child should decide to experiment with drugs and alcohol or engage in other dangerous activities, do you want the behavior to go underground like this?
  • As an effective short-term coping strategy. When a child lies unchecked to avoid accountability, it may become a way of life as an adult.

So, how do you spot lying?

  • If you suspect lying, document your child’s story in writing. Go back later and ask for the details again. If it is the truth, it will come out the same. If it was a lie, she will have trouble remembering what the lie was. Another strategy is to have your child tell the story in backwards order, which makes it harder to keep the lies straight.
  • Know the cues (Take this lie-spotting quiz to learn more.)
  • De-personalization
  • Inconsistency
  • Emphatic/strong: intense eye contact, very strong emotions
  • Over-embellished prologue, story, epilogue
  • Advanced course . . . check out Pamela Meyer’s book.

How can you encourage truth-telling?

  • Don’t overreact to the truth. If you are triggered and angry about what you are hearing, take a break. Calm down. Then talk.
  • Look for the positive intent. Get curious about why they did what they did, said what they said. Delve deep into what is going on inside their heads. What were they were so afraid of that they lied? (This might take two or three conversations.)
  • Don’t punish your children when they tell the truth. Instead, thank them for being brave enough to be honest.
  • If your kid lies and eventually does tell the truth, let him/her know you appreciate honesty but still follow through with consequences. Watch your judgment/labeling (“liar,” “sneak,” “not to be trusted”). Separate the action of lying from the person your child is.
  • Avoid putting your child in a position in which he feels he “has” to lie. In other words, don’t set your child up. If you know he did something wrong, don’t ask, “Did you break that vase?” Also, consider your child’s requests. Do you say “no” to requests or not take them seriously enough, so your kids feel they have to lie to have choices in their lives?
  • Lies are a part of our everyday life. Our kids observe our “white lies” and don’t understand the nuances behind them. Short and simple: Don’t model lying! Be as honest and forthright as you can, and be aware when you are telling “white lies.” Note that not talking is an upgrade from “white lies.”
  • Value connection with your kids. Once kids start lying, they have trouble keeping the story straight—-so they quit talking to you at all to avoid getting tripped up in their lies.

Want to take this to even a higher level? Commit to a truth-telling culture. Be warned, however, that there are challenges. We live in a culture where the social norm is often about comfort over honesty, where “white lies” keep things smooth for the moment. (This is especially true with our more peripheral relationships where I have caught myself telling two white lies in the last 24 hours.)

I would suggest starting by being 100% honest in those relationships that matter the most. Our close friends and family accept us unconditionally, want to hear our truth, and are most likely to appreciate honesty. This can only strengthen our authenticity, openness and create closer, deeper, and even more connected relationships. Then we can gently take this bold honesty out into the world and strengthen all of our relationships.

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy

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Stress: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

March 1, 2012 by

We figured March would be a good time to bring up stress. Things seem to rev up at this time of the year. Our schedules are maxed out, and we are ready for nice weather, outdoor time, even just plain lounging around. Meanwhile . . . stress. What can we do about it NOW? Go ahead, try the 1+3+10 rule right now:

    1. Tell yourself inside your head to be calm.
    2. Take THREE deep, slow breaths from your tummy.
    3. Count slowly to TEN inside your head.

THE GOOD
Now that you’re calm, I want to start off by saying that . . . stress is not always a bad thing. Stress, by definition, is “a state of arousal that involves both the mind and the body in response to demands.” A little stress or tension is required to grow and learn, maximize potential, maybe even get into the flow of using our skills and passions.

It also can be a wake-up call that something isn’t working well and act as the catalyst for being attentive to what needs attention. I remember the degree of tension I needed to feel when preparing to run a good 10K or play tennis well. Too little, and I just couldn’t cut it. Too much, and I was jittery and couldn’t get in my groove.

We all know too much stress is harmful. But too little stress can also be harmful, leading to a life of boredom, listlessness, and “stuck-ness.” The following graph says it all. Having no anxiety puts us in the “Comfort or Boredom zone.” Where we really want to spend our days is with moderate stress and challenge–where health, happiness, and performance are optimized.

THE BAD
Stress, worry, and anxiety can be paralyzing. They can lead to insomnia, food disorders (too much and too little), and depression. They can interfere with your work, your learning, your fun, and even your relationships.

The stress that comes with procrastination also can blow up on you. One of my favorite behaviors is procrastination. I say “favorite,” because I keep doing it over and over–so I must get something out of it. I think I value the energy surge I get after procrastination, when deadlines hit. With the panic of the deadline, adrenalin flows and I get the job done. But then there’s a long-term problem: I feel exhausted afterward and am not good for anything but vegging out. Then the next deadline hits, and I rev up again. Don’t always make it. Sloppy job. Maybe I spread my pain to people around me and scream to be rescued. It has been known to happen.

THE UGLY
A lot of stress is deadly, literally, as in die or suffer severe complications. You could stroke out, have a heart attack, commit suicide, burst an ulcer right through the stomach lining, get addicted to drugs or alcohol. . . .

SO, WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
Give yourself, your partner and your kids a gift: LIVE! Live a full and healthy life. Exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, have fun. Then you won’t don’t die or stroke out before your time. What’s the trick, you ask?

  • Deal with your stress now. Take your stress as a signal that things are not working out the way you want. Come up with concrete steps to act differently, think differently. Once you take a few steps, you will feel better and have more energy to continue to move forward with changing your life for the better.
  • Stop modeling stress and anxiety as everyday reactions to life’s big and little problems.
  • Exercise. It’s the best quick impact for life free from stress; endorphins are like an antidote.

To delve deeper into managing your stress, be sure to check out our “emPOWER TOOL” this month, Fighting Invisible Tigers: A Stress Management Guide for Teens (and us). Here are some of the tips offered:

  • Weave a safety net of support of friends and loved ones, people who love you unconditionally. (Starting or joining a Raising Our Daughters/Sons parent discussion group is a great way to create a “village” or safety net.)
  • Take charge of your life. Because no one can control you and you can’t control anyone else, if you are not happy about it, do something about it! Be assertive and ask for what you want.
  • Check out your “shoulds.” Are you a perfectionist and imposing a big dose of grandiose expectations on yourself and others with the constant stress of disappointment? I say chuck “should” out of your vocabulary!
  • Laugh and play. Try the lighter side of life. Dr. Fry from Stanford researches humor and says, “Humor protects us from the destruction of negative emotions.” Watch funny movies. Hang out with funny friends.

Dale Carnegie also wrote a great book about stress and worry that’s worth having on your bookshelf: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: Time Tested Methods for Conquering Worry. In fact, if you consider yourself an anxious person, this may be the best $14 you’ll ever spend! Carnegie tells us:

  • Catch it early.
  • Don’t fuss over little things. Carnegie says, ”Don’t let the mere termites of life ruin your happiness.”
  • Be concerned about problems but not worried. If you are concerned, you take steps to be sure you minimize bad outcomes. Worry just works you up into a frenzy that takes your energy away from solving the problem.
  • Break the worry habit. Kind of like how to quit smoking: Set aside certain times of the day when you will worry. When it is not that time, write it down and save it for later.
  • Analyze a big worry: 1. Get the facts. 2. Analyze the facts. 3. Arrive at a solution, a decision. 4. Act on that decision. End of story.
  • “Our lives are what our thoughts make it.” Steer your thoughts toward a good life that you love.

Byron Katie’s Loving What Is also has a great process to address worries, especially those future disaster stories we make up and then worry about. Although the book is fantastic, to get a sneak peak at Katie’s work, download her free booklet.

My last suggestion to minimize stress and maximize living comes from my current book club read, Buddha’s Brain: “Happiness is taking action now!”

Here’s to taking action now!

Dr. Kathy
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Personal Power Packs a Big Punch

January 1, 2012 by

Personal power is simply this: believing you have the power to make choices that influence what happens in your life. Imagine if your child believed this about him/herself!

Personal power is one of the 40 Developmental Assets identified by the Search Institute as being indicators of how well a child thrives. According to this research-based organization, a child has Asset #37 (personal power) when “the child feels he or she has some influence over things that happen in his or her life.”

Personal power starts early and grows slowly–from her simply crawling away in glee from a caregiver, to his outright “no” at two, to eventual self-management skills–depending somewhat on how much practice he/she gets with age-appropriate responsibilities. Of course, children who feel loved and supported unconditionally are more apt to feel secure enough to take appropriate risks and learn so they can grow up confident, competent, and thriving.

As with so, so many things we want for our children, their personal power begins with us. Yes, it is another lecture on modeling! As a new year begins, ask yourself what you could do to maximize your own belief that you have control over what happens to you. How can you model setting goals and achieving them? How can you demonstrate coping skills and healthy ways to deal with frustration and challenges? How can you show your children that you have control of your own life?

Here are some tools to help you with your own personal power while nurturing that of your child(ren):

1. CHOICE THEORY

William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, summarizes personal power in a few key concepts:

  • No one can control you.
  • You can’t control anyone else. (All you can do is share information with others.)
  • If you are not happy and content with your life, what are you doing about it?

Ultimately, what choices you make in this moment on this day will lead to the life you want. William Glasser helped me to rid my life of the word “should” and the baggage that comes with it. Now, if I want X outcome, I think: “I must do 1.2.3. to get there.” This is what life coaching is all about: defining clear goals and exploring steps to get there.

Parents struggling with their teens find this approach invaluable. Switching from “telling” adolescents what to do to “asking” them about their choices gets teens thinking about why they do what they do and the steps things take. This is an approach we focus on in our “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” class starting next month. Occasionally, you may have the shocking experience of hearing your words come out of their mouths. More often, as you give them more responsibility and choice, they will “fall down” from a poor decision and need to learn how to get back up. No one develops personal power muscle unless he/she gets a chance to practice.

2. LEARNED OPTIMISM

A fascinating glimpse behind personal power is to look at the opposite: learned helplessness. At 13, Martin Seligman watched his father go from being a successful lawyer to a depressed, wheelchair-bound invalid after a stroke. Later, in his psychology training, Seligman did research with dogs that were “taught” helplessness. Dogs heard a tone followed by an inescapable shock. Eventually, most of the dogs “learned” that nothing they did made a difference, so, even when they were placed in a new chamber they could easily escape, most of them responded to the tone alone by curling up and whimpering. Seligman related this sense of helplessness to the despair he had seen in his dad. But his research uncovered something else: Approximately one in three of the dogs refused to give in to helplessness. That exact same ratio showed up in follow-up research with cockroaches, rats, goldfish, and even humans.

In search of how individuals can defy the odds and refuse to be helpless, Seligman focused on how people explain good and bad events in their lives. He determined that people with an optimistic explanation of events spring back from set-backs, whereas a pessimistic style of brutal honesty can lead to a life of despair. According to his research, which has been confirmed with hundreds of studies, optimists take good events and globalize them; and they contain bad events. This is what we should want for our children. We don’t want to teach them “helplessness” by never allowing them to use their personal power, even starting at a very early age. Rather, we want them to be optimistic about their future and believe they have the personal power to defy any odds.

Consider some inspiring examples of personal power despite set-backs. Thomas Edison’s teachers, for example, said he was “too stupid to learn anything,” and Albert Einstein’s parents thought he was “sub-normal.”

Providing our kids with the modeling and practice for personal power is not about puffing up self esteem. Rather, it’s about raising children with optimism and skill mastery. Seligman’s book, The Optimistic Child: A Revolutionary Program That Safeguards Children Against Depression and Builds Lifelong Resilience, is a must-read. You will find in the booka quiz on optimism. You might also want to check out Seligman’s Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life as well as his website, where you’ll find many other questionnaires on hope and happiness.

3. INTENTION

Wanting to have personal power and to be optimistic-–and wanting our children to have personal power and to be optimistic–is all about intention. Life is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want a good life, you must be clear about what you want–whether the “good” relates to health, happiness, fun, love, or close connection. Then you must believe to the depths of your soul that what you intend is already true. Lastly, let go. When you align your feelings, actions, thoughts, “the good” happens. (Jim Carrey agrees that “intention is everything.”)

Granted, young kids do not have the abstract brain for intention-setting, but it is possible during the teen years. For the younger ones, hearing and seeing us model intention is paramount. Treat them as optimistic beings with personal power and they will know themselves as such. For teens, we should have set the stage for them during their young years and then provide opportunities for them to set intentions and exercise their fulfillment strategies on their own. And then let them fly!

4. CHANGE YOUR MIND AND YOU CHANGE YOUR BRAIN

Personal power and all its benefits become second nature only with practice, practice, practice. The more you practice doing something differently, the stronger the new neural pathways become in your brain. The saying is, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Science says it differently: “Neurons that wire together, fire together.” This means that, when I am hungry and long for a chocolate bar but I choose to put an apple in my mouth, I am laying down new neural pathways between hunger alert and “apple” that get stronger every time I practice.

This is the origin of the idea that it takes 21 days to change a habit. In 21 days, new neural pathways have begun to replace the old pathways. I am saying out loud to all of you that I am starting a new habit this month. I am getting up early to meditate at least 20 minutes for the next 21 days. And I really, really want this habit to stick. By the February emPower Monthly, it will be well ingrained. Then I plan to start drinking vegetable juice every morning. I have the power to make this happen.

What habit are you willing to commit to right now? No yelling, walking 20 minutes daily, paying bills efficiently, taking vitamins…? How will you learn optimism and practice it? How will you help your child to build personal power to set him/her on a course toward a life of health and happiness? Believe it, practice it, and it will be so!

With inspiration for all you do,

Dr Kathy

P.S. If the idea of interpersonal neurobiology intrigues you and you want more, get a group of friends together to read The Brain That Changes Itself, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom, and Rick Hanson’s articles on family.

If you are fascinated by optimism and positive psychology, click on this link, or check out work-related optimism questionnaires here.

Lastly, for those of you who have been interested enough to read to the very end, we could not leave out this every interesting quote by Martin Seligman that explains optimism and pessimism. In an Omni interview entitled “How to make friends and win presidential elections: Try a little optimism,” Seligman says, “Optimists, it turns out, have a lopsided view of the universe that makes them resistant to defeat. If something good happens, optimists think they did it (personalization); the positive effects will affect everything else they try (permanence); the goodness will last forever (persistence). If something bad happens, they’re not to blame; the failure won’t affect anything else they try; the negative effects will be fleeting. Optimists have exactly the opposite explanations of good and bad events. Pessimists are more logically consistent, applying the same view of causality to good and bad events . . . which is probably the reason they are more vulnerable to feelings of helplessness and depression.”

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Intergenerational Connections: The Ties that Bind

December 1, 2011 by

Ah, the holidays! I hope the commencement of this season brings you joy and anticipation of sharing, caring and connection—rather than thoughts of gift lists, over-commitment and stress. The choice is yours. As long as you are intentional about what you truly want for the holidays, you can make that magic happen.

For me, I make sure the holidays are a time of intergenerational connection, not only with my younger and older family members, but also with those in my congregation, my neighborhood, my city. One strong Christmas memory is drinking sweet tea with my Grammy while we roll out her thick, delicious shortbread cookies . . . a feeling there is no where else I would rather be. Unconditional love, stories of about raising her family in Alaska, funny things my dad did as a boy. And I am reminded that such intergenerational connection does not just have to happen over the holidays. We should be pro-active about spending time with people of other ages throughout the year and throughout our lives.

Grand-parenting is a natural relationship for connecting old and young. I so admire my friends who are grandparents. One has a magical forest where the grandkids search for fairies. Another created “Grandma Camp,” with morning walks and learning babysitting with a baby cousin. A new friend I met at the Indianapolis School Counselors Conference set up a very intentional, respectful relationship with her grandsons. They call her Ancient, as in “wise elder.” Ancient and Grandpa create contracts detailing the projects their grandsons will do during their annual summer visits. The boys love these contracts. One time they explored a profession they were interested in–with the corresponding salary, and what housing and lifestyle they could afford with it. Another time, after taking a cooking class, the boys played “food critics,” writing up reviews of every restaurant they visited.

But the call to blend young and old goes beyond the joys of grand-parenting to the very wellbeing of each of us. Consider the Search Institute’s Developmental Assets. Among the 40 assets this venerable institution has identified as instrumental in helping young people grow up to be healthy, caring and responsible is having support from 1) three or more non-parent adults and 2) caring neighbors. The point is that connection with the older generation—whether adult neighbors, aunts, uncles, scout leaders, pastors, rabbis, teachers, grandparents or great-grandparents–significantly enhances the lives of the young.

Both age groups, however, benefit. In our featured book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families, David Niven warns, “Never lose sight of the fact that time spent with children does you as much good as it does the child.” He supports his comments with a 2003 study by J. Williamson showing that “more than eight out of ten relatives who have close contact with a child have strongly positive feeling about the experience.” In another chapter of his book, a retirement home resident had this to say about a visit from young people: “It was like a jolt of energy for everyone here.”

Today, youth under 15 still outnumber elders over 65 by about 1.5 to 1, but that is expected to change for the first time in history. Before 2050 in the United States, elders will outnumber youth. In a society that worships youth and institutionalizes age-segregation (schools and retirement homes), distrust and suspicion can brew between the different ages. Niven notes that, despite generational differences in ideas, views and perceptions, everyone, regardless of age, “has a desire to share a connection with people.” Making that connection happen and preventing barriers from brewing begins with us. We must be pro-active about intergenerational connection.

Mary Pipher, author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, says: “The more we love and respect our elders, the more we teach our children to love and respect us.” In her book, Mary shares insights into getting old, going to a place none of us has ever been (thus “Another Country”). Mary “maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. She offers us new ways of supporting each other–new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.” This can be very helpful for today’s parents taking care of their own parents, too.

It is ironic that the people with the most time on their hands, the elderly and youth, both want more time from us in-betweens who have the least time to spare. Very little is being put in place to bring these two groups together, to not only understand each other, but to support each other.

A place that close relationships among all generations can happen is at places of worship. For example, every year at my congregation we have an Un-birthday party for everyone. We divide up by birthday months. It is incredibly exciting to meet someone who has my same birthday. We work on an art project, talk about what we love about our May birthday, and eat cake together. Simple and fun.

Another touching example of bringing the generations together happens at All Seasons Pre-School in Inver Grove Heights, MN. This preschool has taken a bold step toward combining young and old. Their 3-5 year olds spend their days in a senior living community. All Seasons says, “The research to support intergenerational programming is strong and consistent. Young children need the wisdom and patience of the older generation, and old people need the innocence and vitality that only a young child can offer. Long-term studies show lasting benefits to young and old living and working together. Children who spend a significant amount of time with senior adults demonstrate improved vocabulary and advanced social skills, particularly in the areas of inclusiveness and empathy. In the older population, boredom, loneliness, and helplessness are alleviated.” The best evidence of the success of this unique model is in the joyful faces of All Seasons’ young and old.

Relationships across generations make us feel connected–not only to each other but also to something bigger: to the flow of life, to the past and to the future. In this hectic, high-tech world, we need this sense of connection. In fact, we crave it. It helps us to understand where we’ve come from, who we are, where we’re going, and why we’re going there

Take advantage of the natural flow of the holiday season and have fun engaging with people of all ages.

Happy holidays to you and yours,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. You can start your intergenerational journey with the help of Vital Aging Network which offers programs and ideas to engage young and old. Across Generations has kits and free activities for families, schools, senior centers and community groups. One example is the Grandparents Day Kit, inspired by the children’s book, Something to Remember Me By: A Story about Love and Legacies.

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Part 1 of 5: Parenting Tips for Creating A Good Study Environment

October 30, 2009 by

Establish a Successful  Support Structure

Jill has a 3rd-grade son and a 6th-grade daughter, now in middle school. Last spring, Jill was overwhelmed with the chaos of baseball games, violin practice, homework struggles, and spring gardening. She wants her family to experience more fun and peace this year.

Discussion
Does this sound like your home?  You’re not alone.  Nearly all parents struggle with juggling family activities and fitting in time for homework.  Academic success doesn’t come naturally to everyone, even for the brightest of students.  Some kids find it very challenging to be organized, pay attention when they need to, get homework done, and avoid the attitude that “it’s not cool to do school.”  It’s never too late no matter what month of the school year you’re reading this to set up a support system for success in school.

My friend, Sue Wellman, a teacher and founder of The Ophelia Project, and I share these tips to help parents create a good study environment at home: [Read more…]

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