Ah, the holidays! I hope the commencement of this season brings you joy and anticipation of sharing, caring and connection—rather than thoughts of gift lists, over-commitment and stress. The choice is yours. As long as you are intentional about what you truly want for the holidays, you can make that magic happen.
For me, I make sure the holidays are a time of intergenerational connection, not only with my younger and older family members, but also with those in my congregation, my neighborhood, my city. One strong Christmas memory is drinking sweet tea with my Grammy while we roll out her thick, delicious shortbread cookies . . . a feeling there is no where else I would rather be. Unconditional love, stories of about raising her family in Alaska, funny things my dad did as a boy. And I am reminded that such intergenerational connection does not just have to happen over the holidays. We should be pro-active about spending time with people of other ages throughout the year and throughout our lives.
Grand-parenting is a natural relationship for connecting old and young. I so admire my friends who are grandparents. One has a magical forest where the grandkids search for fairies. Another created “Grandma Camp,” with morning walks and learning babysitting with a baby cousin. A new friend I met at the Indianapolis School Counselors Conference set up a very intentional, respectful relationship with her grandsons. They call her Ancient, as in “wise elder.” Ancient and Grandpa create contracts detailing the projects their grandsons will do during their annual summer visits. The boys love these contracts. One time they explored a profession they were interested in–with the corresponding salary, and what housing and lifestyle they could afford with it. Another time, after taking a cooking class, the boys played “food critics,” writing up reviews of every restaurant they visited.
But the call to blend young and old goes beyond the joys of grand-parenting to the very wellbeing of each of us. Consider the Search Institute’s Developmental Assets. Among the 40 assets this venerable institution has identified as instrumental in helping young people grow up to be healthy, caring and responsible is having support from 1) three or more non-parent adults and 2) caring neighbors. The point is that connection with the older generation—whether adult neighbors, aunts, uncles, scout leaders, pastors, rabbis, teachers, grandparents or great-grandparents–significantly enhances the lives of the young.
Both age groups, however, benefit. In our featured book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families, David Niven warns, “Never lose sight of the fact that time spent with children does you as much good as it does the child.” He supports his comments with a 2003 study by J. Williamson showing that “more than eight out of ten relatives who have close contact with a child have strongly positive feeling about the experience.” In another chapter of his book, a retirement home resident had this to say about a visit from young people: “It was like a jolt of energy for everyone here.”
Today, youth under 15 still outnumber elders over 65 by about 1.5 to 1, but that is expected to change for the first time in history. Before 2050 in the United States, elders will outnumber youth. In a society that worships youth and institutionalizes age-segregation (schools and retirement homes), distrust and suspicion can brew between the different ages. Niven notes that, despite generational differences in ideas, views and perceptions, everyone, regardless of age, “has a desire to share a connection with people.” Making that connection happen and preventing barriers from brewing begins with us. We must be pro-active about intergenerational connection.
Mary Pipher, author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, says: “The more we love and respect our elders, the more we teach our children to love and respect us.” In her book, Mary shares insights into getting old, going to a place none of us has ever been (thus “Another Country”). Mary “maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. She offers us new ways of supporting each other–new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.” This can be very helpful for today’s parents taking care of their own parents, too.
It is ironic that the people with the most time on their hands, the elderly and youth, both want more time from us in-betweens who have the least time to spare. Very little is being put in place to bring these two groups together, to not only understand each other, but to support each other.
A place that close relationships among all generations can happen is at places of worship. For example, every year at my congregation we have an Un-birthday party for everyone. We divide up by birthday months. It is incredibly exciting to meet someone who has my same birthday. We work on an art project, talk about what we love about our May birthday, and eat cake together. Simple and fun.
Another touching example of bringing the generations together happens at All Seasons Pre-School in Inver Grove Heights, MN. This preschool has taken a bold step toward combining young and old. Their 3-5 year olds spend their days in a senior living community. All Seasons says, “The research to support intergenerational programming is strong and consistent. Young children need the wisdom and patience of the older generation, and old people need the innocence and vitality that only a young child can offer. Long-term studies show lasting benefits to young and old living and working together. Children who spend a significant amount of time with senior adults demonstrate improved vocabulary and advanced social skills, particularly in the areas of inclusiveness and empathy. In the older population, boredom, loneliness, and helplessness are alleviated.” The best evidence of the success of this unique model is in the joyful faces of All Seasons’ young and old.
Relationships across generations make us feel connected–not only to each other but also to something bigger: to the flow of life, to the past and to the future. In this hectic, high-tech world, we need this sense of connection. In fact, we crave it. It helps us to understand where we’ve come from, who we are, where we’re going, and why we’re going there
Take advantage of the natural flow of the holiday season and have fun engaging with people of all ages.
Happy holidays to you and yours,
Dr. Kathy
P.S. You can start your intergenerational journey with the help of Vital Aging Network which offers programs and ideas to engage young and old. Across Generations has kits and free activities for families, schools, senior centers and community groups. One example is the Grandparents Day Kit, inspired by the children’s book, Something to Remember Me By: A Story about Love and Legacies.
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
