Supporting ALL Our Kids for a Quality Education

September 15, 2010 by

We Can Make the Difference When We Collaborate

I just heard that for the first time in the history of our country, this current generation of children will be less literate than the previous generation. And, as we all know, for the last several decades, we have not stacked up too well against 29 other industrialized nations, ranking 25th in math and 21st in science. US kids all falling behind in every category except confidence where they rate #1.

Where I heard this information was on the preview of a fantastic new movie coming out called Waiting for Superman. Check it out right now, even if you are busy. It made me cry, It made me want to storm the streets and say why and how did we let the education system get so bad for so many kids. A kids who doesn’t graduate high school is eight times more likely to go to prison. Is building more prisons the best answer we have to this problem?

What can we do?

  • Go see Waiting for Superman with a group at a discounted rate and be inspired.
  • Get involved in your school to make it the best it can be. Raise funds with your PTA so at least there will be more programs for the kids in your school, right now.
  • Let your kid’s teacher know how much you appreciate the work they do every day and help her/him out in every way you can.
  • Start a Parent Discussion Group using Raising Our Daughters/Sons focusing on how you, as a group, can contribute to make the school better. There are 100’s of ideas. You’ll know which ones are best for your families and your school.
  • Advocate for now and forever for school funding. It is incredibly valuable to change laws so school funding has a more stable base. No one advocates for children issues more effectively than Stand for Children
  • Join Stand for Children and donate your money and your time.They have six state chapters in Oregon, Arizona, Colorado, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Washington and you can help from wherever you live. Check out their site for their incredible success over and over again at mobilizing people who care about kids to pass legislation that benefits our kids.

Maybe now is the time. Maybe this movie, Waiting for Superman, will be the tipping point we need to wake up this nation to support our kids to succeed, so we can all thrive.

Do we have the courage to collaborate so this can happen? What are your ideas? Share them hear for all of us to see.

In admiration for all you do,
Dr Kathy

Filed Under: Schools and Education Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The World’s Longest Umbilical Cord: Our Cell Phones

September 8, 2010 by

Can Cell Phones Lead to TOO Much Connection?

Last week my daughter, Kaitlin, called me to ask what she should do about ___. When I asked her the next day what it was about, she couldn’t remember either. Was it should I eat dinner at home or go out, buy tan or blue towels, go running or biking, or just vent about not feeling like studying for a medical school exam? What we did agree on was that it was something pretty inane and hardly worthy of the words used in the conversation.

We had a good laugh about it, especially when I told her I was about to write a blog about cell phones being the “world longest umbilical cord.” What is even more funny is that my daughter is 26 and about the most competent, independent, accomplished young adult I know (no bias, of course).

I was reminded about the over-dependency on cell phones in my last blog about creating peaceful school mornings by turning over responsibility to our kids. A turning point for my kids happened when they were 11 and 13 and missed the school bus. I was on rounds in the hospital. My husband was traveling. There were no cell phones. We were unavailable. So on their own, my kids decided to walk to school. It took them 2 hours. And they never missed the school bus again. This would have NEVER happened if cell phones were around. They would have called us for RESCUE and we would have figured a way to do it.

So it is tough out there for us parents. We helicopter: hover and rescue when we know our kids are suffering. It is deeply ingrained in our genetic code. And with cell phones we know EVERYTHING, even when our kid is agonizing over the miniature decision of whether to wear the red or blue shirt. Or when our kids call pleadingly to see if we will drive to school with the lunch, the homework, the earrings that match the red shirt, and …. One principal got so fed up with the giant pile of daily drop-offs that she banned parents from being allowed to drop stuff off. And miracles of miracles, the kids started remembering to bring the things in on their own.

So I just challenge you to just think about your 24-7 availability. It is wonderful for everyone to have cell phone access. It is unparalleled for safety and for connection.

Just consider having some times that you aren’t available to answer the phone. With a signal for emergencies that you work out with your kids, you just might have a little “me” time and your kids might have a little “independence” time.

With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy

PS if you want to take a “Am I a Helicopter Parent?” Quiz, check out page 7:23 if you own a Raising Our Daughters or Raising Our Sons Parenting Guide . If not, just pop us a note and ask us for the quiz. We also have a blog and video interview on helicoptering last winter.

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Believe it Parents: You Are the Expert!

July 2, 2010 by

You Are the Expert When It Comes to Parenting Your Kid

I wondered what would Family Empowerment Network meets Oprah look like? Oprah asked people to share their dream, their passion and turn it into a TV show that would be on her network. What would it be like to have millions of empowered parents around the whole country, all focusing their support beyond their own family, to others families too. So I created a little video for the Oprah contest which you can all get a glimpse of.

CHECK OUT: Believe It Parents: You Are the Expert. Have fun watching. You can even VOTE for or COMMENT on my show to actually be an Oprah show. Contest ends July 3.

Discussion:
Here is the show:
Believe it Parents: You Are the Expert!
The dream behind our show is to empower parents to believe in themselves so they can build a community where our kids can thrive. We believe that parents know what works best for their kids. They don’t need experts, they need inspiration, insights, and each other. With just a little encouragement to pay attention to what is working or not, to take care of themselves and to discuss parenting issues in safe spaces, parents learn from and support each other. Every show we will model authentic, open discussion with a group of real parents on topics you can take to your community. Every week, we’ll have a tip for change, explore the values behind behavior in our communication challenges, and even have a chance for you to share your best parenting idea. On this show- we believe it. Now you need to on Believe it Parents: You Are the Expert. Tell your friends about us and start building your community right now!

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have done video blogs before now to spread the word about how parents can support each other to prevent problems.
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What was your biggest take-away?
What action step do you plan to take?
What additional questions do you have about this topic?

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Nickelodeon gives us the Worst Toy of the Year

May 19, 2010 by

Worst Toy of the Year Award goes to Nickelodeans’s AddictingGames.com

Caroline and Tom are very involved in monitoring what their kids watch on TV and have always felt safe with Nickelodeon. Now they are not so sure with Nickelodeon’s AddictingGames.com winning the “worst toy of the year award.”

Discussion:
There is a wonderful organization following the exploitation of the media on our kids and it is CCFC, the Campaign Commercial Free Childhood. I get their informative newsletter. Recently they had a contest to all their subscribers on the TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young Children) Award. The over-riding winner was Nickelodeon’s AddictingGames.com.

Here is what they say:

“Inspired by Nickelodeon’s blatant disregard for children’s well-being, you [subscribers] overwhelmingly chose AddictingGames.com as this year’s winner of CCFC’s TOADY (Toys Oppressive And Destructive to Young Children) Award for the worst toy of the year. With an astounding 64% of the vote, AddictingGames.com easily outpaced its TOADY rivals: The Little Tykes Young Explorer (18%), the BARBIE DOLL’D UP NAILS Digital Nail Printer (8%), the EyeClops Mini Projector (5%) and the Halo United Nations Space Command Turret (5%).

Nickelodeon’s decision to exploit its reputation as a family-friendly company by linking to the games directly from its popular websites for young children earned AddictingGames.com the award for worst of the worst. TOADY voters were aghast that Nick allows children access through .AddictingGames.com to:

  • Perry the Sneak series, where gamers take the role of a peeping Tom trying to catch revealing glimpses of naked women showering–and successful voyeurs are rewarded by getting in bed with their prey
  • Stick Dude Killing Arena, the object of which is to “Train to Kill Until You Die”
  • Kitty Cannon, where players can “make Fluffy bloody” by shooting a kitten out of a cannon onto a row of metal spikes

The fact that the games are free, making them accessible to any child with Internet access, was another reason voters frequently gave for why AddictingGames.com got their TOADY vote.

Since December, more than 4,000 parents have written to Nickelodeon to demand that the children’s media empire remove the links to AddictingGames.com from Nick.com, NickJr.com and Neopets.com. But Nickelodeon refuses to grant parents even this simple courtesy.

If you haven’t already, please tell Nickelodeon to stop promoting Addicting Games to children. Please share this campaign with friends and family by clicking here. Let’s let everyone know that truly disturbing content is only a click away on Nick’s websites for children.”

In admiration for all you do,
Kathy

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Bringing Healthy Sports into the Lives of Kids

April 20, 2010 by

Learning Life Lessons through Sports

Bill really wanted his son to experience the fun of baseball the way he did as a kid. He was worried about the serious competitiveness that happened even in early grade school.

Discussion:
I want to share my friend John Child’s story as a coach of his 2 children to help us all remember the main point of sports for kids- to have fun.
John Child’s coaching style started with his management role at work. When he started a review with “you are doing ‘this’ wrong”, people would shut down and get defensive. So he started asking, “Tell me what you’re proud of.” and then asked, “What’s sub-par?” He found people to be surprisingly honest. It was easy for John to just “coach” them along to figure out solutions for improvement.
When John started coaching his child’s team—same thing happened. Kids shut down when told what they were doing wrong, not unlike the adults. Over time he developed a routine. Early in the season, after the first game, he starts the practice with what he thinks the team did well, then poorly as a team. Then he asks the kids to share something they were proud of and something they want to work on. He picks the kids with naturally out-going personalities first. Without fail, they pick something accurate in their self-critique. There are always 3-4 shy, non-athletic kids who find this process very painful, but John helps them through it. Every 2-3 games he repeats this, and gradually the shy ones have their hands up in the air as fast as the others. In addition, they start to critique themselves as a team and to see what the other team didn’t do as a team. This leads them to think for themselves on the field.

Team sports are a great place to learn life lessons.

  • We belong. In addition to their team name, the team develops a song and a banner. Each game the kid who tried especially hard takes the banner home (John starts this at age 9. Every kid gets picked by the end of the season).
  • Empowerment–everyone counts: If you show up to practice you get equal playing time.
  • Everyone does something well and even the “best” have their weak points. We want the kids to be proud of themselves and to be proud to be on the team. We want them to learn to critique themselves
  • Life is not fair. There will always be bad referees, people make mistakes. It is no big deal. (John deliberately makes bad calls in practice so they get used to it. “Bad calls” occur many times in life too.)
  • Winning is just a by-product, success is something more. John likes to start with his soccer teams early at the kindergarten coed level and stay with them until they enter classics or high school. His “average” caliber kids have a lot of fun and also win most of their games.

ATTENTION ADULTS
50% of kids drop out of youth sports by age 13.
Number one reason: “It’s not fun anymore.”
LIFE LESSON HAVE FUN!

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If I knew then what I know now, I would have stepped up to being a coach of my kids sports teams.
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What was your biggest take-away?
What action step do you plan to take?
What additional questions do you have about this topic?

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Inspirations For Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters

February 26, 2010 by

Reflections

We take a breather today from “Building Our Village” series for reflection.
Here are a few of my favorite inspirational quotes.

  • The most important thing she’d learned over the years
    was that there was no way to be a perfect mother
    and a million ways to be a good one.
    Jill Churchill
  • Courage doesn’t always roar.
    Sometimes courage is the quiet
    voice at the end of the day saying,
    “I will try again tomorrow.”
    Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

  • You find time for the things that are important to you.
    Anonymous

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have rested and reflected more often and breathe…just breathe.
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Part 4 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 12, 2010 by

The most important village is the family village.

“Jill and Pete love being with their 3rd and 6th grade boys, but find there is little time left after dual careers, homework, soccer, chores, meal prep, and home upkeep. Then on weekends there are sleepovers and shopping. Most of their conversations are focused on planning for the next activity.”

Discussion:
The family is the buffer that surrounds children. It both protects them from and introduces them to the outside world. This critical support helps children understand and fit into the outside world. The family can protect children most effectively when they are younger and can buffer the rough interface as they grow into lives of their own.

As we mentioned in the blog one week ago, the most important ingredient families can have to protect their kids, even through the teen years, is healthy connections. If you are finding you would like some more tools in your toolbox for family connection, here are some ideas:

  • Connection is everything. The feeling your kids long for is, “I feel cared for and connected.” Make it a priority in your family over grades, homework, sport practice, chores and clean rooms.
  • Pause: Screen yourself by asking, “Am I too upset to deal with this now?” If yes, disengage until you cool down. Ask, “Am I about to lecture?” If yes, reframe it with the tools below. You can come back to the information you wanted to share but only AFTER you have connected and showed you care by understanding your child’s perspective.
  • Respect your kids for who they are, independent of their actions and behavior. What are the qualities you respect in your child, even when she gets a “D” or he doesn’t try in a soccer game?
  • Listen well: “Good parenting is much more about what you hear than what you say,” says Kirshenbaum, author of one of our favorites, Parent Teen Breakthrough. You can be most helpful, protective, supportive, and effective when you know what is going on inside your child’s mind.
  • Curiosity can help with listening well. When you absolutely do not understand why your kid did something, get curious. Ask questions for compassionate understanding; not probing investigation. (You know the difference)
  • Remember connection. Ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to strengthen or weaken my connection with my child?”

Pay attention to what places or activities you connect with each of your kids. It may be rubbing feet, tucking in a night, driving in the car, hitting golf balls, having dinner out together, or going for a walk. What is connecting will change as your kids grow. Pay attention and adapt.

Even with strong parent-child connections, parents cannot do it alone. Parents are overwhelmed with the challenges of family life and long for the help and support of others ensure the success and healthy development of their children. Early on, families reach out to families with same-age children. Over time, families introduce their children to new and different communities. Each one of these communities, these “villages” has the potential to be a significant influence on our child’s life.

For the next blog, brainstorm what “villages support your family now? What are other potential villages? What is getting in your way to reach out and connect to these villages? What can parents do within each of those villages to build the authentic relationships and meaningful connections?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have practiced more patience and pausing, especially when I was drained or triggered.
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Part 3 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 9, 2010 by


Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.

“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night.  His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless.  He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.

Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society.  What are the leadership qualities we should foster?  A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog.  Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.”  We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible.  Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives.  But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties.  There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges.  As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen.  Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency.  It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions.  It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths.  We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.

When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present!  Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support.  It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail.  It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them.  However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.

What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child?  If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
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Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

  • Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
  • Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
  • Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
  • Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
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Part 1 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 2, 2010 by

Research insights into why it’s hard for families today

“Mindy is so frustrated. She works so hard to keep her family close and connected. Now that her kids are in middle school, it seems that outside forces are taking over. She is constantly after them to turn off the computer and the TV, and go outside to play.”

Discussion:
We live in a culture with forces pulling the family in different directions and where our extended family lives far away. We invest time and energy to counteract this and sometimes go overboard, over-protecting our kids to the point that we hamper them. Although strong bonds within a family are extremely important, we all intuitively know our children need even more to thrive.

When our kids were young, we found a community to support us easily; sharing what worked and didn’t with other parents in our babysitting coop. As our kids got older, we all got busier and we became embarrassed about what our kids were doing. Talking about how our kid was caught drinking, may send the other parent flying, to “keep her kid away from yours.” So we stay quiet, feeling inept, isolated and worried. We need a force to hold us together. Building a community, a village…connections and safe havens with others outside the family, can be that force. That is what this blog series addresses.

What does the research say that helps us understand why it is harder than ever before to provide a safety net of support for our kids?

A study by the International Leadership Institute at ww.leadered.com, shares why just the basics of instilling core values is challenging in the US. Compared to Europe and Japan where family and religion are the top two source of values, in the US they are a distant third and fourth. In the US, media is the front-runner. National leaders are number two, but before you get excited about that, the “leaders” kids look to are sports heroes and entertainers.

And the next study explains the power of media in our kids’ lives. Kaiser Family Foundation released Generation M2 in January, 2010. In five short years, media use is up from 6 ½ to 7 ½ hours/day in the life of the average kid. The hours spent are 5 on TV/movies; 2 ½ on music, 1 ½ on computers, 1 ¼ on video games, and ½ on print. This adds up to 10 ¾ hours of media exposure but with multi-tasking it actually takes up 7 ½ hours of their day, seven days a week. Whoa! How did we adults allow this to happen? And with $100+ billion dollars to spend on anything they want, kids are now #1 target of advertisers. Advertises have learned that marketing “cool” at kids is the key, as the PBS video, Merchants of Cool, so clearly outlines.

A University of Michigan Survey Research Center looked at how family time for connection is challenged. From 1981 to 1997 women spend 12 weeks more per year working and each week and kids:

  • Have 12 hours less free time
  • Spend 5 hours sports and 3.5 hours watching a sib play sports
  • Have 100% drop in household conversations
  • Have 33% fewer family dinners together

Add all this together, and you can see why we parents are feeling like we identify with the headliner “Parents versus the World.” What happens is:

  • Parents feel confused about what is best for their child
  • Parents feel worried about safety and well-being
  • Worried and confused parents hover
  • We are beginning to see that hovering and helicopter parenting are detrimental to the well-being of our children. (see January, 2010 blogs and videos on Helicopter Parenting).

Where do we go now? Next blog will share the research that gives us insight into what the critical ingredients are that support our kids to thrive and be safe.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have understood why parenting felt so challenging at times.

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