Learning the Life Skills That Matter

October 1, 2012 by

It’s October. Yes, the kids are settled in from the flurry of . . . new grade, new teacher, new classmates, new school clothes, new school supplies. . . . Now on to Stage Two of the school year, the real reason we send our kids to school–settling in to the learning! As parents, what does our support during Stage Two look like? What can we, as parents, do to support our children in their learning? To answer that question, we must have a goal in mind.

Most of us use the classic markers of test scores, grades, and homework to gauge how well our children are doing in school. We, thus, encourage them to achieve high marks and ask responsibly, “Did you finish your homework?” But, even if they complete all their homework and do well, is that really what should matter? Instead, perhaps we should be asking the question: What skills do our children really need so they grow up to be competent and independent adults? Only once we know what those skills are can we support them in learning how to become responsible, self-sufficient, contributing members of society who also can connect with others, love, experience joy, and continue to grow and learn. So, what are those skills that we can help to foster? What should they really be learning?

Ideas and points of view abound on this topic, but no one pinpoints the skills better than Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families and Work Institute and author of our featured book, Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. Galinsky brings to her work an extensive background of research on what helps kids thrive. Ruthie and I heard her speak last year, and we were blown away with her work and words—and the compelling video clips she shared on each of the key life skills she outlined.

Galinsky’s seven essential life skills every child needs include:

1. Focus and Self Control: Self-discipline has more influence on success in life than IQ. Maybe that is why I always have loved the equation: Intelligence = Hard Work + IQ. Nothing reinforces this idea better than the famous Stanford “Marshmallow Study.” The study involves offering a marshmallow to a four-year-old child and telling him or her, if s/he can wait 15 minutes, s/he will then get two marshmallows. What some kids do to resist eating the marshmallow is hilarious, but the outcome is profound. In studying these kids 18 years later, researchers learned that those who resisted eating the marshmallow were: better adjusted, less likely to abuse drugs, had better relationships, had higher self-esteem, were better at handling stress, obtained higher degrees, and made more money. Today, we have a culture of instant gratification that undermines self-control. Helping a child to learn to say “no” to him/herself is something we can encourage is small, everyday steps.

2. Perspective Taking: Understanding the perspective of another not only helps us to get along with others, but it also can improve school and work success. When someone can understand what the teacher (boss) wants and expects, s/he can deliver. University of California-Berkeley psychologist Alison Gopnik conducted a study showing that this skill can be developed over time and through practice. Check out her video. It’s fascinating how Gopnik expresses her affinity for broccoli and determines that, even though a child prefers crackers, the child will present Gopnik with the food she prefers.

3. Communicating: This skill not only involves communicating our ideas but also inhibiting our point of view enough to listen to others. Families who use sophisticated vocabulary with their children, read to them, encourage reading and writing (journaling, letter-writing, etc.), and have conversations about issues beyond the “here and now” are fostering language and literacy skills that will benefit their kids for a life-time. For more ideas on how to cultivate the communication skills of your children (or the children in your classroom), see the National Association for the Education of Young Children’s Study Guide to Mind in the Making, also written by Ellen Galinsky.

4. Making Connections:This skill embodies our “Aha” moments. Making connections starts with sorting and categorizing. How are things alike? How are they different? Matching games are great for this skill. Dr. Judy DeLoache of the University of Virginia has done extensive research on early cognitive development and has concluded: “Because of the fundamental role of symbolization in almost everything we do, perhaps no aspect of human development is more important than becoming symbol-minded.” Watch this interesting clip of DeLoache’s research with children looking for toys in a model room and learn how you can help your children learn to make connections through playing day-to-day games. (We love the game “Set” in our house, even though my son beats me nearly every time!)

5. Critical Thinking: Critical thinking is invaluable in real life; it allows us to get to the story behind the story to make good decisions–sort of like a scientific method for testing theories about “cause and effect.” In this chapter of her book, Galinsky offers evidence upon evidence of how the development of critical thinking is about nature AND nurture, genes AND environment (read: what we model and teach our children). One particularly fascinating study, conducted by scientists at Yale University’s Infant Cognition Center, explores how babies evaluate and develop attitudes toward different individuals. Galinsky also offers in this section loads of suggestions of how you can promote critical thinking in children such as by dissecting the ads when watching TV with your kids, promoting their curiosity through lots of questions and home experiments, and helping them to find “experts” other than you from whom to learn.

6. Taking on Challenges: Challenges can be stressful, even when they are positive. What helps kids to develop the skill of tackling challenges is having safe, dependable people to turn to and not having too much stress that lasts too long. Kids who fear failure or are being embarrassed while learning can develop a bad habit of not trying. In his “visual cliff” experiment, UC Berkeley’s Joseph Campos demonstrates the role of non-verbal communication in giving children the courage and impetus to take on challenges. Other researchers, such as Stanford’s Carol Dweck, examine the effect praise has on mindset and determination. Check out Dweck’s work here. The bottom line: Parents who praise efforts (“good for you for trying hard”) over results (“you’re smart”) foster a habit of “loving challenges.”

7. Self-Directed, Engaged Learning: This is my favorite skill that Galinsky highlights! In every successful childhood program she explored, the common ingredient was a “community of learners,” where administrators, teachers, parents, and the children were all learning together. She calls her model “facilitated learning” and posits that we all build on the knowledge of the entire group: The expert learns from the group; the group learns from the expert; and group members learn from each other. University of Massachusetts’ Edward Tronick’s experiment reveals just how essential face-to-face and normal give-and-take interaction with others is to human development.

Beyond just being a compelling read, what is perhaps most exciting is that this book has fostered “learning communities” all over the nation–where groups of parents, educators, and other family support and health professionals meet to 1) explore the research on children’s learning from birth through the early elementary school years, and 2) determine how best to use this research to promote better outcomes for children.

We live in a world that gets more complicated by the minute. Those who have these seven life skills will be able to adapt to the changes and the challenges. They will be the people who thrive. So, the next time you stop to ask your child, “Did you do your homework?” perhaps you can think to yourself: “What life skills can I help to foster in my child today?”

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Anticipation: The Sweetness of Expectation

August 1, 2012 by

Think back to the most exciting moments of your life. I would bet that all of them involved some time anticipating–building them up in your head so you would be able to savor them even more.

I recall one of my very favorite family vacations. It was a backpack trip for which Chip, my kids, and I spent hours over a map deciding where to go, adding new equipment to make it “even better,” and then hiking throughout the neighborhood with bricks in our backpacks to get in shape and to break in our new boots. Our imagination had kicked in, taking us into an expanded version of the many things that could happen. When the time finally came for the trip, we all were ready and eager, without a shred of doubt or fear. We were only going on one trip, but we had fun 1) looking forward to it and 2) actually doing it. It was like getting two trips for the price of one!

The very best “anticipation” often happens in the summer, especially in August. If you have children and can take a family vacation, life can slow down enough so there are long stretches of time between events.

When we take a break from our everyday world, we have time for anticipation. We are able to think about life in a day-dreamy, free-floating kind of way rather than focusing just on the events at hand and rushing half-ready to the next activity, and the next one. We can actually anticipate the get-togethers with friends and kids can actually anticipate their play dates with neighbors—thinking about all the possibilities of what might happen. We adults might even have time to think long-term and anticipate how to do things at work (or as a parent) differently–or the same–after our summer break. Holding thoughts and dreams in your head for even a little while gives them added sweetness, additional energy.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, considers anticipation in the lives of kids critical. He eloquently captures what happens when a child has time to look forward to something: “They begin to make mental pictures. . . . It doesn’t matter that the reality . . . will differ from their images. Richness is accruing. Waiting for something with anticipation builds a child’s character. It shows them that they have powers equal to the power of their own desires. It shows them their inner strength, the strength of powerful waiting. Unchecked, our wills are like weeds, threatening to take over our whole spirits; invasive vines of desire for what we want (everything) when we want it (now). Anticipation holds back the will, it counters instant gratification. It informs a child’s development and growth and builds their inner life.”

The other parts of anticipation I love are:

  • Its power as an antidote for stress. Like the Daniel Dennett quote suggests, when we are stressed by a difficult challenge ahead, we can anticipate the problems, break them down, come up with solutions, and get prepared for them. It is actually a mature way to deal with stress.
  • Its power to motivate. When we desire something strongly, what we are really doing is anticipating all the wonderful ways we will feel when we get it. Hanging on to that outcome can keep us going through the painful steps to get there.

Today’s cultural mantra seems to be “I’m too busy.” Everyone–mom, dad, kids, even the baby–is busy going to and from one organized activity to the next, often attending everyone else’s activities. With art class, sports, music, language, homework, and tutoring, during the school year, there is hardly time for eating, let alone free play. Forget time for chores or time to rest or time to look forward to the next thing. There is barely enough time to enjoy the present. (If our kids are so revved up and maxed out now, what will they have to do to stay excited about their life in the future? Fly to the moon?! Whatever it is, it will probably cost loads of money, and they will need to work even harder than we do to fund their “habit of busy-ness.” )

If we as parents made the decision to cut by half the number of activities in which our children participate, we would be forging a path to allow anticipation into the lives of our children. Ultimately, they would enjoy each activity more, appreciate what they do get to do, and expect less. (I also think this would eliminate the complaint about kids feeling “entitled” that I hear so frequently from parents. Truly, I believe entitlement stems from our fast-paced, busy lifestyle—and that, if we were to simplify, kids would be happy with a lot less.) There also would be long-term benefits to choosing a slower, anticipation-rich lifestyle: It would reverberate and bring us peace.

August–with its natural, more relaxing, unstructured pace–is a great time to practice putting anticipation back into our lives. Both our internal and external worlds will prosper from it.

With hopes your August is filled with pauses for and stretches of anticipation,

Dr. Kathy

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , ,

Invasion of the Brain and Body Snatchers: Making a Scene about Screens

April 1, 2012 by

Our problems with screens start out innocently enough. A little TV here or there while I make dinner, a cell phone to stay safe, a little video-gaming-fun so friends will come over to play, computer learning modules to help our kids do better in school, a little Facebook to stay connected to friends. Then, little-by-little, step-by-step, we seamlessly allow this BEAST called media into our lives. Eventually, left unchecked, screens can lead to life-devastating problems.

The biggest issue I have overall with screens is the myriad of things we are not doing because of screen-time. Having 8.5 hours (some say 6.5, some say 11) of screen time per day in the lives of our children is like eating an entire chocolate cake every day and simply not being hungry to eat anything else.

Here are “Dr. Kathy’s Top Ten Worries about Media Influence in Our Kids’ Lives” (and, frankly, ours, too). Watch the videos we have linked to each of these problems and you will cry.

1. Loss of relationship skills and eventually loss of the very core of who we are and what matters most–our relationships with others. Without practice with empathy, love, and conflict resolution, the quality of our relationships with others goes down. Consider even the tragedy of Facebook envy!

2. A future generation of super-consumers who start early and become addicted for life to more stuff than ever. They will have to work longer hours than we do to pay for it all (until the “stuff” runs out).

3. Obsession with thin and beautiful: It is hard to like yourself as you are when everyone in the media is perfect. This obsession can lead to low self-esteem, self-loathing, depression, eating disorders and more.

4. Desensitization to violence–both tolerating it and doing it!

5. Promotion of extreme gender-identities–of what it means to be a man (tough, in-control, stud) and a woman (sexy, passive, and always wanting sex).

6. Promotion of fear and anxiety–by a focus on negative events and stories.

7. Unnatural sexual relationships: The message in many games and movies is that women are objects to be used sexually–sometimes leading to rape and pornography-addiction. Another message is that a woman saying “no” is just teasing and that she really “wants it.”

8. Unnatural brain state while watching screens, especially immature brains. They soak in media images as real.

9. Addiction to fatty food and to alcohol: Food is viewed as entertainment rather than nourishment. Our children will die earlier than we do from complications of obesity and diabetes.

10. Video-game addiction is costing time, money, jobs, and relationships. The average gamer is 37 years old and showing up in marriage counseling.

For a ton more links to sad but fascinating videos pertaining to research on these topics, check out this link.

HOW DID WE ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?
We have fewer laws to protect our kids than any other industrialized nation. When did WE allow the health of corporations to be more important than the mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual health of our children? And what are WE going to do about it? Most parents want the best for our kids. We invest a lot of time and energy in their futures–spending our life energy and our money on their education, sports teams, music lesions, and many other experiences. Then, in a blink of an eye, we undermine it all by allowing screens in to the tune of 6.5 hours/day, a full one-third of their waking hours. Check out “Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8- to 18-Year-Olds,” 75 pages of research on this topic by the Kaiser Family Foundation.

SO WHAT TO DO?
Dr. Doreen Dodgen-Magee is a fantastic Portland psychologist who is passionate about addressing media issues in families. During her presentation, “Plugged In: The Neurological, Interpersonal, and Personal Impact of Technology-Only Entertainment” (which you can attend at the Multnomah Arts Center on April 17), she offers some absolutely, right-on messages for all our families to embrace:

  • Use technology with moderation.
  • Promote a life of messiness and stickiness. Have creative corners all over your house. Find ways to bring art into your kids’ lives.
  • Remember it’s easier to establish healthy norms than it is to break bad habits. Regarding technology, ask questions before bad habits happen; get at real issues to get at real solutions. (e.g. If your son loves “strategy,” for example, try the “FIFA Soccer” game rather than first-person shooter games.)
  • Do everything possible to protect your children from violence, gender bias/objectification, and the overly consumerist media. You can reduce exposure to commercials, for example, by taping shows so you can watch on your schedule and fast forward through commercials.
  • Be honest: You are what you ingest (sounds, visuals, etc.)
  • Value a counter-culture lifestyle.

I would add: BE ACTIVE IN CHANGING OUR CULTURE to one that protects its children. Let’s get closer to the 1750 BC Code of Hammurabi: “It is a crime punishable by death to sell anything to a child without first obtaining a power of attorney.”

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy

A few additional ways you can be proactive about being keeping screens in check would be to:

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Stress: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

March 1, 2012 by

We figured March would be a good time to bring up stress. Things seem to rev up at this time of the year. Our schedules are maxed out, and we are ready for nice weather, outdoor time, even just plain lounging around. Meanwhile . . . stress. What can we do about it NOW? Go ahead, try the 1+3+10 rule right now:

    1. Tell yourself inside your head to be calm.
    2. Take THREE deep, slow breaths from your tummy.
    3. Count slowly to TEN inside your head.

THE GOOD
Now that you’re calm, I want to start off by saying that . . . stress is not always a bad thing. Stress, by definition, is “a state of arousal that involves both the mind and the body in response to demands.” A little stress or tension is required to grow and learn, maximize potential, maybe even get into the flow of using our skills and passions.

It also can be a wake-up call that something isn’t working well and act as the catalyst for being attentive to what needs attention. I remember the degree of tension I needed to feel when preparing to run a good 10K or play tennis well. Too little, and I just couldn’t cut it. Too much, and I was jittery and couldn’t get in my groove.

We all know too much stress is harmful. But too little stress can also be harmful, leading to a life of boredom, listlessness, and “stuck-ness.” The following graph says it all. Having no anxiety puts us in the “Comfort or Boredom zone.” Where we really want to spend our days is with moderate stress and challenge–where health, happiness, and performance are optimized.

THE BAD
Stress, worry, and anxiety can be paralyzing. They can lead to insomnia, food disorders (too much and too little), and depression. They can interfere with your work, your learning, your fun, and even your relationships.

The stress that comes with procrastination also can blow up on you. One of my favorite behaviors is procrastination. I say “favorite,” because I keep doing it over and over–so I must get something out of it. I think I value the energy surge I get after procrastination, when deadlines hit. With the panic of the deadline, adrenalin flows and I get the job done. But then there’s a long-term problem: I feel exhausted afterward and am not good for anything but vegging out. Then the next deadline hits, and I rev up again. Don’t always make it. Sloppy job. Maybe I spread my pain to people around me and scream to be rescued. It has been known to happen.

THE UGLY
A lot of stress is deadly, literally, as in die or suffer severe complications. You could stroke out, have a heart attack, commit suicide, burst an ulcer right through the stomach lining, get addicted to drugs or alcohol. . . .

SO, WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
Give yourself, your partner and your kids a gift: LIVE! Live a full and healthy life. Exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, have fun. Then you won’t don’t die or stroke out before your time. What’s the trick, you ask?

  • Deal with your stress now. Take your stress as a signal that things are not working out the way you want. Come up with concrete steps to act differently, think differently. Once you take a few steps, you will feel better and have more energy to continue to move forward with changing your life for the better.
  • Stop modeling stress and anxiety as everyday reactions to life’s big and little problems.
  • Exercise. It’s the best quick impact for life free from stress; endorphins are like an antidote.

To delve deeper into managing your stress, be sure to check out our “emPOWER TOOL” this month, Fighting Invisible Tigers: A Stress Management Guide for Teens (and us). Here are some of the tips offered:

  • Weave a safety net of support of friends and loved ones, people who love you unconditionally. (Starting or joining a Raising Our Daughters/Sons parent discussion group is a great way to create a “village” or safety net.)
  • Take charge of your life. Because no one can control you and you can’t control anyone else, if you are not happy about it, do something about it! Be assertive and ask for what you want.
  • Check out your “shoulds.” Are you a perfectionist and imposing a big dose of grandiose expectations on yourself and others with the constant stress of disappointment? I say chuck “should” out of your vocabulary!
  • Laugh and play. Try the lighter side of life. Dr. Fry from Stanford researches humor and says, “Humor protects us from the destruction of negative emotions.” Watch funny movies. Hang out with funny friends.

Dale Carnegie also wrote a great book about stress and worry that’s worth having on your bookshelf: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: Time Tested Methods for Conquering Worry. In fact, if you consider yourself an anxious person, this may be the best $14 you’ll ever spend! Carnegie tells us:

  • Catch it early.
  • Don’t fuss over little things. Carnegie says, ”Don’t let the mere termites of life ruin your happiness.”
  • Be concerned about problems but not worried. If you are concerned, you take steps to be sure you minimize bad outcomes. Worry just works you up into a frenzy that takes your energy away from solving the problem.
  • Break the worry habit. Kind of like how to quit smoking: Set aside certain times of the day when you will worry. When it is not that time, write it down and save it for later.
  • Analyze a big worry: 1. Get the facts. 2. Analyze the facts. 3. Arrive at a solution, a decision. 4. Act on that decision. End of story.
  • “Our lives are what our thoughts make it.” Steer your thoughts toward a good life that you love.

Byron Katie’s Loving What Is also has a great process to address worries, especially those future disaster stories we make up and then worry about. Although the book is fantastic, to get a sneak peak at Katie’s work, download her free booklet.

My last suggestion to minimize stress and maximize living comes from my current book club read, Buddha’s Brain: “Happiness is taking action now!”

Here’s to taking action now!

Dr. Kathy
Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Healthy Eating . . . Thriving Families

February 2, 2012 by

Healthy eating is on my mind after a rather long string of delicious meals during our two-week trip to Croatia and the holidays. Plus, there is just something about NOW–as in Tracy Chapman’s song, If Not Now, Then When? I practically cry when I hear that song for the things I am not doing in my life that I know would lead to happiness, connection, and longevity.

With healthy eating, old habits die hard. And I pass those old habits on to those I love who eat with me. If “you are what you eat,” what is the impact I have on my kids after 18+ years of three meals per day. If I want to be alive and healthy with my grandkids at 70 and 80, what am I doing now in service of that? If I want my CHILDREN to be alive and healthy with THEIR grandkids at 70 and 80, what am I doing now in service of THAT? Back to “If Not Now, Then When?”

My colleague Cynthia Gulick, DO, a Portland family practitioner, has seen such an increase in obesity and diabetes that she founded Oregon Medical Weight Loss & Wellness. Her interventions have reversed diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, fatty liver, sleep apnea and depression for many people. She focuses on prevention and especially loves to help families with weight-challenged kids step up to a level of energy, of thriving, that isn’t just surviving. She feels strongly that weight-challenged families need to stop blaming themselves, or their kids, for medical forces that often are a factor but are usually hidden–especially because they CAN be treated effectively.

To help you help your kids on to a healthy lifestyle, I’ve asked Dr. Gulick to share her thoughts with you.

From guest author Dr. Cythnia Gulick
Picture this: You’re hosting a “baseball” birthday party for your nine-year-old. Like a pack of puppies, all the kids have careened outside to the front yard, engrossed with a game. Plates of birthday cake with melting puddles of ice cream lie abandoned for the lure of the outdoors, for the compelling draw of playing together outside in a manic, festive, boyish romp. Except. . . . there’s one, maybe two kids, for whom the lure of play is overridden by what must clearly be compelling, physical, internal cues of hunger.

I’ve raised four kids, and the three boys were teenagers at the same time. In my peripheral vision, I was often aware of how hungry some members of their gang always were. It’s those kids who cycle back through the kitchen foraging for more chips, or more birthday cake, or more soda, even when the birthday games are in full swing.

We’ve all seen this, or something like it. When we think of these children, it’s easier to see that hunger is truly a BIOLOGICALLY loaded internal cue. These kids do not have “weak wills”; they are not lacking in moral fortitude! The whole burden of blame that we tend to lay on ourselves as adults for our weight challenges seems more transparently absurd when we think about it in the context of kids.

Overweight kids are hungry, period. They’re driven by strong internal cues, of which they’re completely unaware, that are both discoverable and modifiable. In fact, many of these kids have high levels of insulin resistance from an unfortunate combination of a genetic predisposition (to diabetes) and a “carboholic” environment, in which not just soda and fast food but fruit juice, fruit products, and packaged food laden with high fructose corn syrup have become so much the norm that we don’t even “see” it as abnormal anymore. (For more information by Dr. Gulick on insulin resistance, check out this additional article, “Helping Overweight Kids: Could the Culprit be Insulin Resistance?”

But What to Do!?
The bottom line is, we need to get kids to eat food that’s good for them. Parents often tell me, with respect to even their smallest children, they just can’t get them to eat vegetables and they can’t stand the amount of whining, pressuring and pestering they get to buy the junk food, fast food, and soda. In response to this, there’s a marvelous story to tell about a study done with pigeons.

Pigeons are quite easily trained to peck an orange circle on the floor of their cage if they’re rewarded with a grain of rice each time they do so. On the other hand, if the researcher stops rewarding them, they continue to peck in expectation of the grain of rice, for approximately 19 more times. After that, they give up. It’s quite predictable. They can and do learn that it’s futile to peck any more: 19 pecks, plus or minus and it’s over.

On the other hand, if that pigeon is given a grain on the 19th peck, then the pigeon will go 90 more times pecking on the orange circle in an attempt to gain the grain again. Intermittent rewards are the most reinforcing. The gambling industry has studied this carefully and makes huge profits off this essential animal behavioral characteristic. Witness the ubiquitous slot machines.

How to apply this to parenting? If you’re going to have SOME candy in your child’s life, make a ritual of it, make it fun, have it be your “special day,” but have it be predictable, foreseeable, anticipatable. The child then learns there is no candy on any other days–just on Halloween or on birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s, or whatever you decide. Pick your rituals, make your boundaries, and then stick to them. If you stick to your guns, the pecking and whining will exhaust itself much sooner than if you give in intermittently. Relenting occasionally is the worst-case scenario. It leads to parental “death by pecking” from the child’s whining that’s been reinforced occasionally. The child will play you–just like a slot machine.

What If My Child HATES Vegetables!?
With respect to the ubiquitous complaint that children just despise vegetables no matter how they are served, Sarah Fragoso, who wrote the cookbook Everyday Paleo, has a great suggestion: namely that you involve your kids in the game or the craft, the PROJECT of preparing or even picking a vegetable from the market. “When your kids sit on the counter with you, and you give them a job and make them feel important, and don’t focus on the fact that you’re prepping broccoli and chicken—if you have them choose the spices and stir it and make a big fuss over what they’ve accomplished. . . well, it’s amazing what kids will do if you let them help you,” Fragoso says.

Use your imagination with respect to how you can make your vegetable “project” more akin to a craft project that you will build or create together. Once kids are involved with vegetables from the picking of them at the store or off your porch window box, they are much more invested in embracing the outcome of their culinary explorations.

Get Healthy! A Few Tips from Dr. Gulick:
So, what is clear through all my experience and research is this:

  • Eat more protein for breakfast. It keeps you satisfied longer. Simple carbs (like most breakfast cereals) stimulate hunger. Hard-boiled eggs can be eaten in the car, too, if necessary.
  • Less, or better yet, NO soda or fruit juices. Drink water, water, water! Try zero-low calorie flavored waters. Some even taste like soda!
  • Have healthy snacks READY. String cheese, veggies, plain yogurt sweetened with berries and a little honey or Stevia, etc. Try Veggie Cars! (Celery sticks with peanut butter, sliced carrots for wheels and a few raisins for the passengers!) Now there’s an irresistible veggie craft project!

Dr. Kathy, back here with you! Many thanks to Dr. Gulick for her comments. I would like to add one last tip: Exercise, exercise, exercise! There is NO excuse. Start with 10-minute walks, three times a day. Make the walks family time. Do it until it doesn’t feel right NOT to do it. It doesn’t take long. Or get your family hooked on hiking, biking, rafting, skiing, whatever.

Also, if you feel you need a little boost to get started on your path to healthy eating, get empowered with “Personal Power” as outlined in our January emPower Monthly. If you remember from that issue, intention is everything! Set your intention. Commit for 21 days. Then see the change become reality.

Here’s to your healthy family!

Dr. Kathy

P.S. The topic of healthy eating is near and dear to my heart. So much so, that I’m offering a free phone chat to talk more about it. See the details under “Webinars” at www.family-empower.com and join me on February 9th at noon!

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , ,

Intergenerational Connections: The Ties that Bind

December 1, 2011 by

Ah, the holidays! I hope the commencement of this season brings you joy and anticipation of sharing, caring and connection—rather than thoughts of gift lists, over-commitment and stress. The choice is yours. As long as you are intentional about what you truly want for the holidays, you can make that magic happen.

For me, I make sure the holidays are a time of intergenerational connection, not only with my younger and older family members, but also with those in my congregation, my neighborhood, my city. One strong Christmas memory is drinking sweet tea with my Grammy while we roll out her thick, delicious shortbread cookies . . . a feeling there is no where else I would rather be. Unconditional love, stories of about raising her family in Alaska, funny things my dad did as a boy. And I am reminded that such intergenerational connection does not just have to happen over the holidays. We should be pro-active about spending time with people of other ages throughout the year and throughout our lives.

Grand-parenting is a natural relationship for connecting old and young. I so admire my friends who are grandparents. One has a magical forest where the grandkids search for fairies. Another created “Grandma Camp,” with morning walks and learning babysitting with a baby cousin. A new friend I met at the Indianapolis School Counselors Conference set up a very intentional, respectful relationship with her grandsons. They call her Ancient, as in “wise elder.” Ancient and Grandpa create contracts detailing the projects their grandsons will do during their annual summer visits. The boys love these contracts. One time they explored a profession they were interested in–with the corresponding salary, and what housing and lifestyle they could afford with it. Another time, after taking a cooking class, the boys played “food critics,” writing up reviews of every restaurant they visited.

But the call to blend young and old goes beyond the joys of grand-parenting to the very wellbeing of each of us. Consider the Search Institute’s Developmental Assets. Among the 40 assets this venerable institution has identified as instrumental in helping young people grow up to be healthy, caring and responsible is having support from 1) three or more non-parent adults and 2) caring neighbors. The point is that connection with the older generation—whether adult neighbors, aunts, uncles, scout leaders, pastors, rabbis, teachers, grandparents or great-grandparents–significantly enhances the lives of the young.

Both age groups, however, benefit. In our featured book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families, David Niven warns, “Never lose sight of the fact that time spent with children does you as much good as it does the child.” He supports his comments with a 2003 study by J. Williamson showing that “more than eight out of ten relatives who have close contact with a child have strongly positive feeling about the experience.” In another chapter of his book, a retirement home resident had this to say about a visit from young people: “It was like a jolt of energy for everyone here.”

Today, youth under 15 still outnumber elders over 65 by about 1.5 to 1, but that is expected to change for the first time in history. Before 2050 in the United States, elders will outnumber youth. In a society that worships youth and institutionalizes age-segregation (schools and retirement homes), distrust and suspicion can brew between the different ages. Niven notes that, despite generational differences in ideas, views and perceptions, everyone, regardless of age, “has a desire to share a connection with people.” Making that connection happen and preventing barriers from brewing begins with us. We must be pro-active about intergenerational connection.

Mary Pipher, author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, says: “The more we love and respect our elders, the more we teach our children to love and respect us.” In her book, Mary shares insights into getting old, going to a place none of us has ever been (thus “Another Country”). Mary “maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. She offers us new ways of supporting each other–new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.” This can be very helpful for today’s parents taking care of their own parents, too.

It is ironic that the people with the most time on their hands, the elderly and youth, both want more time from us in-betweens who have the least time to spare. Very little is being put in place to bring these two groups together, to not only understand each other, but to support each other.

A place that close relationships among all generations can happen is at places of worship. For example, every year at my congregation we have an Un-birthday party for everyone. We divide up by birthday months. It is incredibly exciting to meet someone who has my same birthday. We work on an art project, talk about what we love about our May birthday, and eat cake together. Simple and fun.

Another touching example of bringing the generations together happens at All Seasons Pre-School in Inver Grove Heights, MN. This preschool has taken a bold step toward combining young and old. Their 3-5 year olds spend their days in a senior living community. All Seasons says, “The research to support intergenerational programming is strong and consistent. Young children need the wisdom and patience of the older generation, and old people need the innocence and vitality that only a young child can offer. Long-term studies show lasting benefits to young and old living and working together. Children who spend a significant amount of time with senior adults demonstrate improved vocabulary and advanced social skills, particularly in the areas of inclusiveness and empathy. In the older population, boredom, loneliness, and helplessness are alleviated.” The best evidence of the success of this unique model is in the joyful faces of All Seasons’ young and old.

Relationships across generations make us feel connected–not only to each other but also to something bigger: to the flow of life, to the past and to the future. In this hectic, high-tech world, we need this sense of connection. In fact, we crave it. It helps us to understand where we’ve come from, who we are, where we’re going, and why we’re going there

Take advantage of the natural flow of the holiday season and have fun engaging with people of all ages.

Happy holidays to you and yours,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. You can start your intergenerational journey with the help of Vital Aging Network which offers programs and ideas to engage young and old. Across Generations has kits and free activities for families, schools, senior centers and community groups. One example is the Grandparents Day Kit, inspired by the children’s book, Something to Remember Me By: A Story about Love and Legacies.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

Give Your Family a Gift: Sleep

November 1, 2011 by

This is not your usual, “How to Help Your Kids to Sleep” article, although it started out that way. When our kids are sleep deprived, parents get to experience/notice that extra challenge of conflict around everything: school activities, homework, chores, piano practice. Lucky us. But as I explored this topic, one thing stood out: We’re not modeling good sleep routines.

Granted, most of us know the numbers: Babies need anywhere from 10.5-18 hours of sleep; pre-schoolers, anywhere from 11-15 hours; 6-9 year-olds, from 10-11 hours; and adolescents, from 8.5-9.5 hours. We tend to safeguard the sleep time of our younger kids, but what about our teens?

Teens have struggled with getting enough sleep for decades. Their natural circadian rhythm is like having an internal clock of 25 hours. Every night, their drive is to stay up an hour later, exacerbated by insane school demands and the screen time so rampant in their lives. What is different today is that teens have no role models for sleep. Their parents are as sleep-deprived as they are.

Case study: Me. As a student and then intern, I practiced staying up all night. Now, I can get by on little sleep for a stretch, and so I do. When I have a lot on my plate, which I seem to “choose” often, I love getting in the groove of being productive and getting projects done into the late night hours. Until I don’t. Stress starts first, and I wake up worried at 4:00 am, getting even less sleep. (I even woke up at 4:30 am this morning, worrying about this very article that needed to be written yesterday). Then I get crabby, exhausted, discouraged, and a strong desire sets in to just hop on my bike for a one-way road trip. When this happens, I FINALLY slow down to rest. Then I do it all over again. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think down deep I believe, if I sleep less, I will get more living in.

I had a major wake-up call when I read Martha Beck’s article on burnout called “Stay Cool” (Oprah, November, 2011). Her “Chill Principle 2: Sleep As If Your Life Depends on It” struck a chord. She says, “Some people feel superior when they work around the clock. This is like proudly pouring Tabasco sauce in your eyes. Sleep makes you smarter, better-looking, and more creative. It can add years to your life. It does more to improve long-term quality of life than money, fancy vacations, or hot sex. Not giving high priority to sleep is frankly, insane.” She goes on to say, “Ignore these minimums [of 8 hours/night plus as needed naps/rests] and eventually your body will eventually end up lying still anyway–in your bed, a hospital, or the morgue. You choose.” Whoa. Ok! I am listening now.

We live in a culture moving faster than the “speed of life.” Even slowing down isn’t slow enough. Sleep is the first to go and the last to come back. It gives us that buffer to fit it all in, especially after we finally get those little darlin’s to bed. If you need more proof of the impact of sleep deprivation on poor driving, reduced immunity, poor performance and poor learning on you and your kids, check out Sleep for Science. For a lighthearted look at how sleep affects our happiness, read Gretchen Rubin’s blog, “A Fundamental Secret to Happiness? Get Enough Sleep.”

Two other tips that really speak to me come from the rhythm guru, Kim John Payne. In his book, Simplicity Parenting, Payne reiterates the importance of sleep in our lives: “Sleep is the ultimate rhythm. Everything your child does and who they will be are affected by their sleep or lack of it. Sleep is the required rhythm to a strong ‘I am’ sense of self. . . . Because a child’s brain is still developing, and so much of that neural growth and pruning happens while they’re sleeping, a deprivation of even one hour can have behavioral and intellectual consequences.” A study at Tel Aviv University confirms this assertion, proving a performance gap with even one hour less sleep.

Payne also talks about going to bed as a trust process in “letting go of your day” and says the process of letting go begins during the day with “pressure valves.” “When we let go during the day, we can more easily let go into sleep. Pressure valves allow your child to release emotional steam. . . . Each opportunity for release and calm is very small and insignificant, yet they add up.” For babies (and my husband), a pressure valve can be nap time. For older kids, it may be a foot rub with those deep, sharing talks at bedtime. It might be a moment of silence at dinnertime as a candle is lit. Or the “square breathing” that my third-grade teacher friend does several times a day: Deep breath in 1-2, hold 3-4, breath out 5-6, hold 7-8 for one minute.

Your sure-fire test if you or your kids are getting enough sleep is how you all get out of bed in the morning. If it is a knock-down, frantic fight with your kids, check out my “AM Northwest” talk and notes on “Take Your Morning Routine from Frantic to Happy.” For the extra challenge our teens give regarding sleep, you might need this emPower Monthly’s feature book, Snooze or Lose: 10 “No War” Ways to Improve Your Teen’s Sleep Habits by Dr. Helene Emsellem.

The very best gift we can give our families is our full, wonderful selves. When we get enough sleep, we are rested and resourceful and can handle whatever crabbiness the world throws at us. Then, we just might have the reserves to support our kids to get the sleep they need and have time for a little self-care, too. I am finally committed.

Wishing you and yours deep sleep and beautiful dreams,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For some specific sleeping tips, check out my “Tips for Sleep at Any Age.” For a recently released “Green Time for Sleep Time” report from the National Wildlife Federation, detailing how time spent outdoors improves sleep, visit www.nwf.org.

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Ready, Set . . . Enough!

September 1, 2011 by

What is enough? Big question! It can be applied to money, salary, job satisfaction, house size, clothes, health. . . . As we start a new school year, probably the most important question for parents to ask is, “what is enough for our kids and our family for these next nine months?” We want to support our kids to be their full selves—to be happy, resilient, competent, and prepared to face the future. But what does that look like? And at what cost?

There is so much pressure in our culture to over-do. We think we have to get our kids into the right preschool to ultimately get into the right college! In order to “build their resume,” they have to be stellar students, sports stars, music virtuosos or . . . . Really?! There is peer pressure on us, too. If your kid is not in “enough” extracurricular activities–and a standout at that–are you being a “good” parent?Truly, it seems that much of the drive for competitive sports or the arts comes from the fear that our kids won’t get into the “right” college. Loren Pope, author of Looking Beyond the Ivy League, calls today’s college search a “national frenzy, the family’s chief worry . . . and based on a past society where prestige and status got the jobs.” Instead, he says, “in tomorrow’s pioneering society, new careers will go to risk-takers, those who can use knowledge – not those with the greatest store of it – people who can see and make connections.” Giving kids the space in their lives to be creative and just be kids is the best strategy to developing risk-takers, to nurturing their ability to observe and make connections on their own.

So, how are you doing as a family? In the book we are highlighting this month, Putting Family First, Dr. Bill Doherty includes an eight-question quiz, “Are you a Frantic Family?” As you will learn if you take the quiz, Doherty focuses not so much on what you are doing as on what you are not doing. In other words, is there time in every one of your family members’ lives for connecting, spending time with each other, and just relaxing?

David Elkins of Psychology Today has a good perspective on this topic in “Are We Pushing Our Kids Too Hard?” He says what kids really need is:

  • Meaningful relationships–with family, with extended family, and friends
  • Time by him/herself to be able to play in a natural, creative way, ultimately learning to be self-aware.

Granted, extracurricular activities can be opportunities for connection and building meaningful relationships. Much of what my 25-year-old son now values about his years in organized soccer is the in-between discussions on the drive home after a frustrating game and memories of kicking the soccer ball around in the back yard with Chip and me. Plus sports can build self-confidence, and a little stress can be good to maximize potential. But kids today are getting an overdose to the point of interfering with their health and brain development. In his groundbreaking book, The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld talks about what happens to the family unit when it tries too hard to over-enrich children, describing an unhealthy state of perpetual motion. It all comes back to Aristole’s “everything in moderation”!

So are the activities you are about to sign up for this school year in service of the full, rich life you and your children long for? How many extracurricular activities will be juggled? How much time will you be driving to and from and organizing for all these activities? How much time will you spend on chores and house maintenance? How much time will your kids be spending on homework (or be resisting your nagging about homework)?

In “Tips for Getting Your Family to Slow Down, Share Time,” Peggy O’Crowley has some great suggestions:

  • Write it down. Everyone’s activities go on a big calendar.
  • Downtime and transition time need to be on the schedule, too.
  • Everyone consults the calendar daily to prep for the next day. (Wish I had done this! A Sunday night review by all of the entire upcoming week would be helpful as well.)
  • Homework time needs to be when your child’s energy and focus is at its best.
  • Keep track of homework with a folder for each kid.
  • If life feels too busy, stressed, disconnecting, choose what to drop.

I have one last suggestion as you embark upon the new school year, although it may seem contradictory. I challenge you to clear a day every month and add National Family Night to your calendar. Founder Alvin Rosenfeld says a good life is most highly correlated with having at least one good relationship. Make your goal a “good life” for your child, not getting into Harvard!

Wishing you enough,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For little kids, you might start the school year off by reading The Berenstein Bears and Too Much Pressure. It’s never too early to start the conversation about taking care of yourself!

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Supporting ALL Our Kids for a Quality Education

September 15, 2010 by

We Can Make the Difference When We Collaborate

I just heard that, for the first time in the history of our country, this current generation of children will be less literate than the previous generation. And, as we all know, for the last several decades, we have not stacked up too well against other industrialized nations, ranking 25th in math and 21st in science out of 30. US kids all falling behind in every category except confidence, where they rate a stellar #1.

Where I heard this information was on the preview of a fantastic new movie coming out called Waiting for Superman. Watch the preview right now, even if you are super busy. It made me cry, It made me want to storm the streets and ask, “Why and how did we let the education system get so bad for so many kids?

Granted, some of us are really lucky. We have some excellent schools here in Oregon with stellar teachers. My kids are proof of that. We can and must create more of those highly functioning schools across our state and nation. Another fact I picked up from Waiting for Superman was that a kid who doesn’t graduate from high school is eight times more likely to go to prison! So is the best strategy really to build more prisons?

What can we do?

  • Go see Waiting for Superman with a group and be inspired. Go with your friends.
  • Get involved in your school to make it the best it can be. Raise funds with your PTA so at least there will be more programs for the kids in your school, right now.
  • Let your kid’s teachers know how much you appreciate the work they do every day and help them out every way you can.
  • Start a Parent Discussion Group using Raising Our Daughters/Sons Parenting Guides focusing on how you, as a group, can contribute to make the school better. There are hundreds of ideas in these parenting guides. You’ll know which ones are best for your family and your school.
  • Advocate now and forever for school funding. It is incredibly valuable to change laws so school funding has a more stable base. No one advocates for childrens’ issues more effectively than Stand for Children
  • Join Stand for Children and donate your money and your time. They have six state chapters in Oregon, Arizona, Colorado, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Washington. You can help from wherever you live. Check out their Web site for their incredible success over and over again at mobilizing people who care about kids to pass legislation that benefits our kids.

Maybe now is the time. Maybe this movie, Waiting for Superman, will be the tipping point we need to wake up this nation to support our kids to succeed, so we can all thrive. Do we have the courage to collaborate and back up our talk that we care about kids with some action so this can happen?

In admiration for all you do,
Dr Kathy

Let me know what is going on in your school, your city, your state, to make schools better for our kids. We will share it!

Filed Under: Schools and Education Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The World’s Longest Umbilical Cord: Our Cell Phones

September 8, 2010 by

Can Cell Phones Lead to TOO Much Connection?

Last week my daughter, Kaitlin, called me to ask what she should do about ___. When I asked her the next day what it was about, she couldn’t remember either. Was it should I eat dinner at home or go out, buy tan or blue towels, go running or biking, or just vent about not feeling like studying for a medical school exam? What we did agree on was that it was something pretty inane and hardly worthy of the words used in the conversation.

We had a good laugh about it, especially when I told her I was about to write a blog about cell phones being the “world longest umbilical cord.” What is even more funny is that my daughter is 26 and about the most competent, independent, accomplished young adult I know (no bias, of course).

I was reminded about the over-dependency on cell phones in my last blog about creating peaceful school mornings by turning over responsibility to our kids. A turning point for my kids happened when they were 11 and 13 and missed the school bus. I was on rounds in the hospital. My husband was traveling. There were no cell phones. We were unavailable. So on their own, my kids decided to walk to school. It took them 2 hours. And they never missed the school bus again. This would have NEVER happened if cell phones were around. They would have called us for RESCUE and we would have figured a way to do it.

So it is tough out there for us parents. We helicopter: hover and rescue when we know our kids are suffering. It is deeply ingrained in our genetic code. And with cell phones we know EVERYTHING, even when our kid is agonizing over the miniature decision of whether to wear the red or blue shirt. Or when our kids call pleadingly to see if we will drive to school with the lunch, the homework, the earrings that match the red shirt, and …. One principal got so fed up with the giant pile of daily drop-offs that she banned parents from being allowed to drop stuff off. And miracles of miracles, the kids started remembering to bring the things in on their own.

So I just challenge you to just think about your 24-7 availability. It is wonderful for everyone to have cell phone access. It is unparalleled for safety and for connection.

Just consider having some times that you aren’t available to answer the phone. With a signal for emergencies that you work out with your kids, you just might have a little “me” time and your kids might have a little “independence” time.

With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy

PS if you want to take a “Am I a Helicopter Parent?” Quiz, check out page 7:23 if you own a Raising Our Daughters or Raising Our Sons Parenting Guide . If not, just pop us a note and ask us for the quiz. We also have a blog and video interview on helicoptering last winter.

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
Next Page»