Ready, Set . . . Enough!

What is enough? Big question! It can be applied to money, salary, job satisfaction, house size, clothes, health. . . . As we start a new school year, probably the most important question for parents to ask is, “what is enough for our kids and our family for these next nine months?” We want to support our kids to be their full selves—to be happy, resilient, competent, and prepared to face the future. But what does that look like? And at what cost?

There is so much pressure in our culture to over-do. We think we have to get our kids into the right preschool to ultimately get into the right college! In order to “build their resume,” they have to be stellar students, sports stars, music virtuosos or . . . . Really?! There is peer pressure on us, too. If your kid is not in “enough” extracurricular activities–and a standout at that–are you being a “good” parent?Truly, it seems that much of the drive for competitive sports or the arts comes from the fear that our kids won’t get into the “right” college. Loren Pope, author of Looking Beyond the Ivy League, calls today’s college search a “national frenzy, the family’s chief worry . . . and based on a past society where prestige and status got the jobs.” Instead, he says, “in tomorrow’s pioneering society, new careers will go to risk-takers, those who can use knowledge – not those with the greatest store of it – people who can see and make connections.” Giving kids the space in their lives to be creative and just be kids is the best strategy to developing risk-takers, to nurturing their ability to observe and make connections on their own.

So, how are you doing as a family? In the book we are highlighting this month, Putting Family First, Dr. Bill Doherty includes an eight-question quiz, “Are you a Frantic Family?” As you will learn if you take the quiz, Doherty focuses not so much on what you are doing as on what you are not doing. In other words, is there time in every one of your family members’ lives for connecting, spending time with each other, and just relaxing?

David Elkins of Psychology Today has a good perspective on this topic in “Are We Pushing Our Kids Too Hard?” He says what kids really need is:

• Meaningful relationships–with family, with extended family, and friends
• Time by him/herself to be able to play in a natural, creative way, ultimately learning to be self-aware.

Granted, extracurricular activities can be opportunities for connection and building meaningful relationships. Much of what my 25-year-old son now values about his years in organized soccer is the in-between discussions on the drive home after a frustrating game and memories of kicking the soccer ball around in the back yard with Chip and me. Plus sports can build self-confidence, and a little stress can be good to maximize potential. But kids today are getting an overdose to the point of interfering with their health and brain development. In his groundbreaking book, The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld talks about what happens to the family unit when it tries too hard to over-enrich children, describing an unhealthy state of perpetual motion. It all comes back to Aristole’s “everything in moderation”!

So are the activities you are about to sign up for this school year in service of the full, rich life you and your children long for? How many extracurricular activities will be juggled? How much time will you be driving to and from and organizing for all these activities? How much time will you spend on chores and house maintenance? How much time will your kids be spending on homework (or be resisting your nagging about homework)?

In “Tips for Getting Your Family to Slow Down, Share Time,” Peggy O’Crowley has some great suggestions:

• Write it down. Everyone’s activities go on a big calendar.
• Downtime and transition time need to be on the schedule, too.
• Everyone consults the calendar daily to prep for the next day. (Wish I had done this! A Sunday night review by all of the entire upcoming week would be helpful as well.)
• Homework time needs to be when your child’s energy and focus is at its best.
• Keep track of homework with a folder for each kid.
• If life feels too busy, stressed, disconnecting, choose what to drop.

I have one last suggestion as you embark upon the new school year, although it may seem contradictory. I challenge you to clear a day every month and add National Family Night to your calendar. Founder Alvin Rosenfeld says a good life is most highly correlated with having at least one good relationship. Make your goal a “good life” for your child, not getting into Harvard!

Wishing you enough,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For little kids, you might start the school year off by reading The Berenstein Bears and Too Much Pressure. It’s never too early to start the conversation about taking care of yourself!