It’s October. Yes, the kids are settled in from the flurry of . . . new grade, new teacher, new classmates, new school clothes, new school supplies. . . . Now on to Stage Two of the school year, the real reason we send our kids to school–settling in to the learning! As parents, what does our support during Stage Two look like? What can we, as parents, do to support our children in their learning? To answer that question, we must have a goal in mind.
Most of us use the classic markers of test scores, grades, and homework to gauge how well our children are doing in school. We, thus, encourage them to achieve high marks and ask responsibly, “Did you finish your homework?” But, even if they complete all their homework and do well, is that really what should matter? Instead, perhaps we should be asking the question: What skills do our children really need so they grow up to be competent and independent adults? Only once we know what those skills are can we support them in learning how to become responsible, self-sufficient, contributing members of society who also can connect with others, love, experience joy, and continue to grow and learn. So, what are those skills that we can help to foster? What should they really be learning?
Ideas and points of view abound on this topic, but no one pinpoints the skills better than Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families and Work Institute and author of our featured book,
Galinsky’s seven essential life skills every child needs include:
1. Focus and Self Control: Self-discipline has more influence on success in life than IQ. Maybe that is why I always have loved the equation: Intelligence = Hard Work + IQ. Nothing reinforces this idea better than the famous Stanford “Marshmallow Study.” The study involves offering a marshmallow to a four-year-old child and telling him or her, if s/he can wait 15 minutes, s/he will then get two marshmallows. What some kids do to resist eating the marshmallow is hilarious, but the outcome is profound. In studying these kids 18 years later, researchers learned that those who resisted eating the marshmallow were: better adjusted, less likely to abuse drugs, had better relationships, had higher self-esteem, were better at handling stress, obtained higher degrees, and made more money. Today, we have a culture of instant gratification that undermines self-control. Helping a child to learn to say “no” to him/herself is something we can encourage is small, everyday steps.
2. Perspective Taking: Understanding the perspective of another not only helps us to get along with others, but it also can improve school and work success. When someone can understand what the teacher (boss) wants and expects, s/he can deliver. University of California-Berkeley psychologist Alison Gopnik conducted a study showing that this skill can be developed over time and through practice. Check out her video. It’s fascinating how Gopnik expresses her affinity for broccoli and determines that, even though a child prefers crackers, the child will present Gopnik with the food she prefers.
3. Communicating: This skill not only involves communicating our ideas but also inhibiting our point of view enough to listen to others. Families who use sophisticated vocabulary with their children, read to them, encourage reading and writing (journaling, letter-writing, etc.), and have conversations about issues beyond the “here and now” are fostering language and literacy skills that will benefit their kids for a life-time. For more ideas on how to cultivate the communication skills of your children (or the children in your classroom), see the National Association for the Education of Young Children’s Study Guide to
4. Making Connections:This skill embodies our “Aha” moments. Making connections starts with sorting and categorizing. How are things alike? How are they different? Matching games are great for this skill. Dr. Judy DeLoache of the University of Virginia has done extensive research on early cognitive development and has concluded: “Because of the fundamental role of symbolization in almost everything we do, perhaps no aspect of human development is more important than becoming symbol-minded.” Watch this interesting clip of DeLoache’s research with children looking for toys in a model room and learn how you can help your children learn to make connections through playing day-to-day games. (We love the game “Set” in our house, even though my son beats me nearly every time!)
5. Critical Thinking: Critical thinking is invaluable in real life; it allows us to get to the story behind the story to make good decisions–sort of like a scientific method for testing theories about “cause and effect.” In this chapter of her book, Galinsky offers evidence upon evidence of how the development of critical thinking is about nature AND nurture, genes AND environment (read: what we model and teach our children). One particularly fascinating study, conducted by scientists at Yale University’s Infant Cognition Center, explores how babies evaluate and develop attitudes toward different individuals. Galinsky also offers in this section loads of suggestions of how you can promote critical thinking in children such as by dissecting the ads when watching TV with your kids, promoting their curiosity through lots of questions and home experiments, and helping them to find “experts” other than you from whom to learn.
6. Taking on Challenges: Challenges can be stressful, even when they are positive. What helps kids to develop the skill of tackling challenges is having safe, dependable people to turn to and not having too much stress that lasts too long. Kids who fear failure or are being embarrassed while learning can develop a bad habit of not trying. In his “visual cliff” experiment, UC Berkeley’s Joseph Campos demonstrates the role of non-verbal communication in giving children the courage and impetus to take on challenges. Other researchers, such as Stanford’s Carol Dweck, examine the effect praise has on mindset and determination. Check out Dweck’s work here. The bottom line: Parents who praise efforts (“good for you for trying hard”) over results (“you’re smart”) foster a habit of “loving challenges.”
7. Self-Directed, Engaged Learning: This is my favorite skill that Galinsky highlights! In every successful childhood program she explored, the common ingredient was a “community of learners,” where administrators, teachers, parents, and the children were all learning together. She calls her model “facilitated learning” and posits that we all build on the knowledge of the entire group: The expert learns from the group; the group learns from the expert; and group members learn from each other. University of Massachusetts’ Edward Tronick’s experiment reveals just how essential face-to-face and normal give-and-take interaction with others is to human development.
Beyond just being a compelling read, what is perhaps most exciting is that this book has fostered “learning communities” all over the nation–where groups of parents, educators, and other family support and health professionals meet to 1) explore the research on children’s learning from birth through the early elementary school years, and 2) determine how best to use this research to promote better outcomes for children.
We live in a world that gets more complicated by the minute. Those who have these seven life skills will be able to adapt to the changes and the challenges. They will be the people who thrive. So, the next time you stop to ask your child, “Did you do your homework?” perhaps you can think to yourself: “What life skills can I help to foster in my child today?”
With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
