This is not your usual, “How to Help Your Kids to Sleep” article, although it started out that way. When our kids are sleep deprived, parents get to experience/notice that extra challenge of conflict around everything: school activities, homework, chores, piano practice. Lucky us. But as I explored this topic, one thing stood out: We’re not modeling good sleep routines.
Granted, most of us know the numbers: Babies need anywhere from 10.5-18 hours of sleep; pre-schoolers, anywhere from 11-15 hours; 6-9 year-olds, from 10-11 hours; and adolescents, from 8.5-9.5 hours. We tend to safeguard the sleep time of our younger kids, but what about our teens?
Teens have struggled with getting enough sleep for decades. Their natural circadian rhythm is like having an internal clock of 25 hours. Every night, their drive is to stay up an hour later, exacerbated by insane school demands and the screen time so rampant in their lives. What is different today is that teens have no role models for sleep. Their parents are as sleep-deprived as they are.
Case study: Me. As a student and then intern, I practiced staying up all night. Now, I can get by on little sleep for a stretch, and so I do. When I have a lot on my plate, which I seem to “choose” often, I love getting in the groove of being productive and getting projects done into the late night hours. Until I don’t. Stress starts first, and I wake up worried at 4:00 am, getting even less sleep. (I even woke up at 4:30 am this morning, worrying about this very article that needed to be written yesterday). Then I get crabby, exhausted, discouraged, and a strong desire sets in to just hop on my bike for a one-way road trip. When this happens, I FINALLY slow down to rest. Then I do it all over again. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think down deep I believe, if I sleep less, I will get more living in.
I had a major wake-up call when I read Martha Beck’s article on burnout called “Stay Cool” (Oprah, November, 2011). Her “Chill Principle 2: Sleep As If Your Life Depends on It” struck a chord. She says, “Some people feel superior when they work around the clock. This is like proudly pouring Tabasco sauce in your eyes. Sleep makes you smarter, better-looking, and more creative. It can add years to your life. It does more to improve long-term quality of life than money, fancy vacations, or hot sex. Not giving high priority to sleep is frankly, insane.” She goes on to say, “Ignore these minimums [of 8 hours/night plus as needed naps/rests] and eventually your body will eventually end up lying still anyway–in your bed, a hospital, or the morgue. You choose.” Whoa. Ok! I am listening now.
We live in a culture moving faster than the “speed of life.” Even slowing down isn’t slow enough. Sleep is the first to go and the last to come back. It gives us that buffer to fit it all in, especially after we finally get those little darlin’s to bed. If you need more proof of the impact of sleep deprivation on poor driving, reduced immunity, poor performance and poor learning on you and your kids, check out Sleep for Science. For a lighthearted look at how sleep affects our happiness, read Gretchen Rubin’s blog, “A Fundamental Secret to Happiness? Get Enough Sleep.”
Two other tips that really speak to me come from the rhythm guru, Kim John Payne. In his book, Simplicity Parenting, Payne reiterates the importance of sleep in our lives: “Sleep is the ultimate rhythm. Everything your child does and who they will be are affected by their sleep or lack of it. Sleep is the required rhythm to a strong ‘I am’ sense of self. . . . Because a child’s brain is still developing, and so much of that neural growth and pruning happens while they’re sleeping, a deprivation of even one hour can have behavioral and intellectual consequences.” A study at Tel Aviv University confirms this assertion, proving a performance gap with even one hour less sleep.
Payne also talks about going to bed as a trust process in “letting go of your day” and says the process of letting go begins during the day with “pressure valves.” “When we let go during the day, we can more easily let go into sleep. Pressure valves allow your child to release emotional steam. . . . Each opportunity for release and calm is very small and insignificant, yet they add up.” For babies (and my husband), a pressure valve can be nap time. For older kids, it may be a foot rub with those deep, sharing talks at bedtime. It might be a moment of silence at dinnertime as a candle is lit. Or the “square breathing” that my third-grade teacher friend does several times a day: Deep breath in 1-2, hold 3-4, breath out 5-6, hold 7-8 for one minute.
Your sure-fire test if you or your kids are getting enough sleep is how you all get out of bed in the morning. If it is a knock-down, frantic fight with your kids, check out my “AM Northwest” talk and notes on “Take Your Morning Routine from Frantic to Happy.” For the extra challenge our teens give regarding sleep, you might need this emPower Monthly’s feature book, Snooze or Lose: 10 “No War” Ways to Improve Your Teen’s Sleep Habits by Dr. Helene Emsellem.
The very best gift we can give our families is our full, wonderful selves. When we get enough sleep, we are rested and resourceful and can handle whatever crabbiness the world throws at us. Then, we just might have the reserves to support our kids to get the sleep they need and have time for a little self-care, too. I am finally committed.
Wishing you and yours deep sleep and beautiful dreams,
Dr. Kathy
P.S. For some specific sleeping tips, check out my “Tips for Sleep at Any Age.” For a recently released “Green Time for Sleep Time” report from the National Wildlife Federation, detailing how time spent outdoors improves sleep, visit www.nwf.org.
Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
