Be a Spark Champion: Ignite the Spark and Keep the Flame Ablaze

June 3, 2011 by

What if there were something you so liked to do that it made you feel completely alive? What if others saw that deep, meaningful part of you and appreciated and fostered it in you? What if you had an opportunity to share your passion with the world?

Often, as parents, we focus on homework, grades, chores, healthy eating, and exercise with the hope that our child will grow hardy and strong. According to Peter Benson, founder of the Search Institute and the 40 Developmental Assets, those focuses should be secondary to paying close attention to and fostering our child’s spark. Benson’s research, in fact, has shown that focusing on our child’s spark, that activity that makes him/her feel fully alive, is the single most effective avenue leading to a thriving youth.

According to Benson, there is a magic formula for a thriving youth:

SPARK  +  3 ADULTS WHO SEE THAT SPARK  +  OPPORTUNITY   =   THRIVING YOUTH

He says that kids who have all three of the above components actually thrive in all the ways that matter to the people who love and care about them: Sense of purpose rises, achievement goes up, compassion and generosity explode, and interdependence and interconnectedness blossom.

To help you understand the significance of “sparks,” let’s break down the three components of Benson’s magic formula:

    1. SPARK: Youth for the most part know their spark. This is not the barrier. When Peter Benson asks youth, “What is it that gives you joy, energy, that fills you up?” two-thirds can name their spark quickly and another 25% can figure it out pretty easily with a few probing questions.

    2. ADULTS WHO SEE IT: Young people yearn for authentic relationships. Having people see them through the lens of their passion is very connecting. A great combination is to be supported by a parent, a teacher, and a community person—such as a neighbor, coach, scout leader or youth minister–who all see and appreciate this passion.

    3. OPPORTUNITY: Having a community that values youth and creates places they can manifest passions–be it creative arts, sports, volunteering opportunities–is the final key. This is where we parents can really help our youth by opening doors through sports teams, places of worship, recreation centers, arts camps, and more.

The ten most common sparks youth report, in order of frequency, include:

    1. Creative Arts (65% girls and 43% boys)
    2. Athletics (16% girls and 37% boys)
    3. Learning (e.g. languages, science, history)
    4. Reading
    5. Helping, serving
    6. Spirituality, religion
    7. Nature, ecology, environment
    8. Living a quality life (e.g. joy, tolerance, caring)
    9. Animal welfare
    10.Leading

And sparks are not just related to teenagers. In a Search Institute survey, eleven-hundred parents reported that the age when their child’s spark first appeared is:

    Birth to 3: 11 %
    3-5: 17 %
    6-9: 25 %
    10-12: 21 %
    13-15: 18 %
    16-18: 8 %

With the pressure of school performance at bay for the next few months, summer is the perfect time to explore sparks. Kids want their parents to be the captain of their spark teams. Parents can help with extending into the community and drawing in other champions. Lena Mejie did a fantastic job of finding mentors in her extended family and community to match her twin teens’ interests as outlined in “Mentoring: How Two Adolescents Prepare to Come of Age as Persons of Character.”

Are you willing to step up to the challenge? Imagine what it would be like if all 2500 of you receiving this email stepped up to this challenge. It would ROCK YOUR KID’S WORLD in a very positive direction—a direction that would benefit us all.

Being the spark team captain says loud and clear, “I believe in you.” Or as Maya Angelou sums it up so well, “Love is knowing a person’s song so well you can hum it back to her in the days she can’t remember the melody.”

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For more detailed information, Visit the official Web site about sparks at www.ignitesparks.com.

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Part 12 of 12—Raising Our Sons and Daughters Takes a Village

March 30, 2010 by

Deep and meaningful connections with extended family and friends: the glue that holds it all together.

“Joe and Sally did not have close family nearby, so they were delighted when a neighbor started a monthly parent and kid gathering. First the families all ate together. Then the kids played outside or in the game room while the parents chatted openly about monthly themes on the challenges of raising kids. Now Joe and Sally feel like they have “family” who care about them right in their neighborhood. “

Discussion:
Over the last two months we have explored many villages in the life of a family. Each of them can support our kids and our family in different ways. What is critical for these villages is to have close connections: people with whom we can be open, honest, and authentic and who accept and support us with unconditional love. What separates a village that just becomes another place to drive your kids to from a village that actually holds us dearly are these close connections. Close loved ones, both friends and extended family, are the glue that makes a village meaningful.

How does one build close, meaningful connections with other parents? It is wonderful to hang out on the sidelines of a sports game and chat with parents or to hang out together at the school carnival. This can be relaxing and fun. How does a parent take it deeper? I believe getting together with other parents monthly focusing on the goal of supporting each other in our parenting it the single best way for us to be really open and honest about our struggles, to share what works and doesn’t work, and to explore new ideas to try. With these real discussions, each parent will not only connect with other parents, they will connect with each other’s kids as we share our stories. The next time we see that child in the school hallway, we naturally reach out and connect with them more deeply, becoming another set of caring eyes “making sure he/she turns out OK.” If a serious or troubling issue arises, there is built in support for you and your family through the tough times. When problems are addressed early, they can be managed with the help of extended family and friends and occasional help from professionals. If we let problems grow too large, the intervention needed and pain experienced by both parents and kids is so much bigger. With this support each of us can be become more effective, confident, and competent in our parenting.

The themes of these monthly meetings can be:

  • Topics that each parent volunteers to lead.
  • Monthly parent book club, selecting different parenting books or a few chapters from that book.
  • Webinars or videos that each parent takes turn finding on line or renting from the library.
  • Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons Parenting Guides can be used as resource material for parent discussion groups. There are many ideas for strengthening each of our villages in every one of the ten chapters.

Your group can commit to: “Together my parent group can influence all the villages.” You can:

  • Organize a Girls Night Out and then a Boys Night Out for the incoming sixth graders at a middle school. The kids come for an evening of fun planned by the kids and then break up into small groups, lead by local high school teens, for real discussions about friendship, cliques, and the challenges of middle school.
  • Address alcohol use by hosting a “Not My Kid” presentation, sending a Safe Party Guideline to every family in the high school, and putting a star by every family that agrees to follow the guidelines in the school roster
  • Start a mother-daughter group that met every other month while the parents continued the Raising Our Daughter book every other month
  • Promote the 40 Developmental Assets in your community which involved school, church, non-profits, and city government.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have directed ALL of my energy toward the goal: “My family is supported by a tight-knit group of people who unconditionally love us.”
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What was your biggest take-away?
What action step do you plan to take?
What additional questions do you have about this topic?

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Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

  • Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
  • Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
  • Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
  • Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
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