Part 12 of 12—Raising Our Sons and Daughters Takes a Village

March 30, 2010 by

Deep and meaningful connections with extended family and friends: the glue that holds it all together.

“Joe and Sally did not have close family nearby, so they were delighted when a neighbor started a monthly parent and kid gathering. First the families all ate together. Then the kids played outside or in the game room while the parents chatted openly about monthly themes on the challenges of raising kids. Now Joe and Sally feel like they have “family” who care about them right in their neighborhood. “

Discussion:
Over the last two months we have explored many villages in the life of a family. Each of them can support our kids and our family in different ways. What is critical for these villages is to have close connections: people with whom we can be open, honest, and authentic and who accept and support us with unconditional love. What separates a village that just becomes another place to drive your kids to from a village that actually holds us dearly are these close connections. Close loved ones, both friends and extended family, are the glue that makes a village meaningful.

How does one build close, meaningful connections with other parents? It is wonderful to hang out on the sidelines of a sports game and chat with parents or to hang out together at the school carnival. This can be relaxing and fun. How does a parent take it deeper? I believe getting together with other parents monthly focusing on the goal of supporting each other in our parenting it the single best way for us to be really open and honest about our struggles, to share what works and doesn’t work, and to explore new ideas to try. With these real discussions, each parent will not only connect with other parents, they will connect with each other’s kids as we share our stories. The next time we see that child in the school hallway, we naturally reach out and connect with them more deeply, becoming another set of caring eyes “making sure he/she turns out OK.” If a serious or troubling issue arises, there is built in support for you and your family through the tough times. When problems are addressed early, they can be managed with the help of extended family and friends and occasional help from professionals. If we let problems grow too large, the intervention needed and pain experienced by both parents and kids is so much bigger. With this support each of us can be become more effective, confident, and competent in our parenting.

The themes of these monthly meetings can be:

  • Topics that each parent volunteers to lead.
  • Monthly parent book club, selecting different parenting books or a few chapters from that book.
  • Webinars or videos that each parent takes turn finding on line or renting from the library.
  • Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons Parenting Guides can be used as resource material for parent discussion groups. There are many ideas for strengthening each of our villages in every one of the ten chapters.

Your group can commit to: “Together my parent group can influence all the villages.” You can:

  • Organize a Girls Night Out and then a Boys Night Out for the incoming sixth graders at a middle school. The kids come for an evening of fun planned by the kids and then break up into small groups, lead by local high school teens, for real discussions about friendship, cliques, and the challenges of middle school.
  • Address alcohol use by hosting a “Not My Kid” presentation, sending a Safe Party Guideline to every family in the high school, and putting a star by every family that agrees to follow the guidelines in the school roster
  • Start a mother-daughter group that met every other month while the parents continued the Raising Our Daughter book every other month
  • Promote the 40 Developmental Assets in your community which involved school, church, non-profits, and city government.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If I knew then what I know now,
I would have directed ALL of my energy toward the goal: “My family is supported by a tight-knit group of people who unconditionally love us.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What was your biggest take-away?
What action step do you plan to take?
What additional questions do you have about this topic?

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , ,

What Is Love?

March 9, 2010 by

Kids Know Best!

I love kids for their honesty, openness, and mostly for being their authentic selves.  Nothing shows that better than this story about kids’ answers about the meaning of love.  A group of professional people posed this question to 4- to 8-year-olds: “What does love mean?”  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.  See what you think. 

·     “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.  So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That’s love.”
Rebecca—age 8

·     “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy—age 4

·     “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy—age 6

·     “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl—age 5

·     “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri—age 4

·     “Love is when you kiss all the time.  Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.  My Mommy and Daddy are like that.”
Emily—age 8

·     “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle—age 7

·     “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy—age 6

·     “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.  I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that.  I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy—age 8

·     “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare—age 6

·     “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann—age 4

·     “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren—age 4

·     “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen—age 7

·     “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.”
Jessica—age 8

·     And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.  The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Ask your sons and daughters, What Is Love?  Please share their answers with us.

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , ,

Part 3 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 9, 2010 by


Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.

“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night.  His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless.  He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.

Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society.  What are the leadership qualities we should foster?  A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog.  Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.”  We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible.  Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives.  But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties.  There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges.  As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen.  Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency.  It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions.  It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths.  We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.

When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present!  Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support.  It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail.  It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them.  However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.

What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child?  If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

  • Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
  • Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
  • Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
  • Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,