Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.
“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night. His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless. He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.
Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society. What are the leadership qualities we should foster? A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog. Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:
20 Internal Assets:
- Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
- Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
- Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
- Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure
As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.” We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible. Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives. But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties. There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges. As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen. Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency. It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions. It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths. We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.
When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present! Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support. It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail. It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them. However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.
What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child? If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
