The most important village is the family village.
“Jill and Pete love being with their 3rd and 6th grade boys, but find there is little time left after dual careers, homework, soccer, chores, meal prep, and home upkeep. Then on weekends there are sleepovers and shopping. Most of their conversations are focused on planning for the next activity.”
Discussion:
The family is the buffer that surrounds children. It both protects them from and introduces them to the outside world. This critical support helps children understand and fit into the outside world. The family can protect children most effectively when they are younger and can buffer the rough interface as they grow into lives of their own.
As we mentioned in the blog one week ago, the most important ingredient families can have to protect their kids, even through the teen years, is healthy connections. If you are finding you would like some more tools in your toolbox for family connection, here are some ideas:
- Connection is everything. The feeling your kids long for is, “I feel cared for and connected.” Make it a priority in your family over grades, homework, sport practice, chores and clean rooms.
- Pause: Screen yourself by asking, “Am I too upset to deal with this now?” If yes, disengage until you cool down. Ask, “Am I about to lecture?” If yes, reframe it with the tools below. You can come back to the information you wanted to share but only AFTER you have connected and showed you care by understanding your child’s perspective.
- Respect your kids for who they are, independent of their actions and behavior. What are the qualities you respect in your child, even when she gets a “D” or he doesn’t try in a soccer game?
- Listen well: “Good parenting is much more about what you hear than what you say,” says Kirshenbaum, author of one of our favorites, Parent Teen Breakthrough. You can be most helpful, protective, supportive, and effective when you know what is going on inside your child’s mind.
- Curiosity can help with listening well. When you absolutely do not understand why your kid did something, get curious. Ask questions for compassionate understanding; not probing investigation. (You know the difference)
- Remember connection. Ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to strengthen or weaken my connection with my child?”
Pay attention to what places or activities you connect with each of your kids. It may be rubbing feet, tucking in a night, driving in the car, hitting golf balls, having dinner out together, or going for a walk. What is connecting will change as your kids grow. Pay attention and adapt.
Even with strong parent-child connections, parents cannot do it alone. Parents are overwhelmed with the challenges of family life and long for the help and support of others ensure the success and healthy development of their children. Early on, families reach out to families with same-age children. Over time, families introduce their children to new and different communities. Each one of these communities, these “villages” has the potential to be a significant influence on our child’s life.
For the next blog, brainstorm what “villages support your family now? What are other potential villages? What is getting in your way to reach out and connect to these villages? What can parents do within each of those villages to build the authentic relationships and meaningful connections?
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have practiced more patience and pausing, especially when I was drained or triggered.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
