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Part 3 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 9, 2010 by FENadm

Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.

“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night. His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless. He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.

Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society. What are the leadership qualities we should foster? A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog. Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:

20 Internal Assets:

Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.” We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible. Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives. But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties. There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges. As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen. Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency. It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions. It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths. We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.

When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present! Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support. It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail. It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them. However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.

What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child? If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
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Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by FENadm

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
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