Don’t forget about the “peer” village
“For the most part, Caroline used to be pleased with Sofie’s choice of friends. Now there is this girl, Molly, who she worried about. Molly dresses in all black, smells like cigarette smoke, and swears a lot when she doesn’t think adults are around. Sofie spends most of her free time with Molly. Caroline is worried some of Molly’s bad habits might be rubbing off on Sofie. “
Discussion:
Before we talk about the “peer” village, what do you think are the potential villages/communities that influence a family’s life? Some ideas we contemplated are:
- School Village
- Activities Village: sports, scouts, drama, music, arts
- Neighborhood Village
- Congregational Village
- Greater Community Village: city and government
- Peer Village
We will be talking about each of these, one at a time, for the next few weeks, starting with the “peer” village. Let us know about other influential groups you thought of.
Whether we like it or not, we all know the “peer village” is powerful. This is especially true for kids not connected at home. When kids don’t have a “family village” to unconditionally accept and love them, they will turn to peers to find it, even dangerous ones. Longing for a place to belong and be respected, these kids are easily brought into “unhealthy” groups, even gangs. Here they may receive kindness and special attention upon initiation, but soon find out that it was a false front. Even kids connected at home but who long to be cool and popular, may lose themselves to groups that lead to trouble.
So what is really important to see in our kids relationships? We can look to the Social Competencies list from 40 Developmental Assets for ideas:
- Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.
- Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.
- Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
- Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.
- Cultural competence: Young person is comfortable with people of different cultural, racial, and ethnic backgrounds.
Parents sometimes have a strong, negative opinion about a certain friend. They may ask or even demand that their kid stop hanging out with that friend. We all know that not only is it hard to enforce this rule when your kid is out of your sight most of the day, it might become a case of “moth to a flame” where your kid is even MORE attracted to this friend. Yikes!
So what can a parent do to foster the skills listed about in this village we probably have the least influence over, especially as our kids get older. Here is a list of ideas that you can control
- Let your child choose their friends- they will anyway.
- Get to know his/her friends. You might find out positive qualities that explain why your kid likes them. Or you might influence that friend in a powerfully, positive way.
- Consider a rule that any kid can come over to your house for an evening, but your kids are not allowed to go over to a home where you don’t know the family.
- Be the home where kids hang out, even if it means having junk food around.
- Find groups or safe havens for healthy, accepting friends where your kid can be their authentic selves. Nurture these groups early, when they are easier to find and your kid can grow into them. You might even start up a group- like a book, art, or an ultimate frisbee club. For me, one place I felt unconditionally accepted was in my youth group at church.
- Model being a good friend. When your kid sees you resolve conflicts peacefully and show empathy and kindness, they soak it up.
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have invested more energy in being the home where kids liked to hang out, so I could get to know my kids’ friends well.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
