The Truth About Lying - Empowering Families

In my life coaching, I often hear from parents worried about their kids lying. Parents say, “I can put up with a lot from my kid, from lack of cooperation in chores and homework to fighting over screen time. What crosses the line is lying. I will not accept or tolerate it.” Does this sound familiar?
Always the question is an incredulous, “How could my child lie to me? He/she knows it is wrong.”

A question I have for you is why do you lie? What do you say to:

What do you think of my painting?
Did that bother you?
Do you mind . . . if I cut in front of you? If I take this call?
Do I look fat in this dress?
Why didn’t you invite me to go along? To your party?
Why did you break up with me?
Mom, did you smoke pot when you were a teen?

We call them “white lies.” I say they are lies nonetheless. Consider being late and saying you “got caught in traffic,” rather than telling the truth that you left the house too late. We lie to “protect” the other person’s feelings, for “their own good,” to save face, to get what we want, to hide some part of ourselves we are embarrassed about, as a “social lubricant” for awkward situations. The list goes on.

Pamela Meyer, author of our featured book, Lie Spotting, says that, in our culture, we hear 10-200 lies per day. If you find that as hard to believe as I did, check out her fantastic, not-to-be-missed TED talk on “How to Spot a Liar.”

Back to why children might lie:

To avoid unpleasant tasks like brushing teeth or homework.
If they feel they are not meeting parental expectations (for love and approval).
To impress people.
If they are more afraid of the consequences of telling the truth than what will happen if they get caught lying. (Of course, they plan on not getting caught.) Look at what is it about your parenting, your reaction, that encourages lying instead of truth-telling.
The truth is too boring. If your child is young, under seven, he/she might be experimenting with lying as he/she blends an imaginary world with the real world. It might look like imaginary friends who break vases. My five-year-old once stole candy from a store but wanted so badly to be good that she lied about doing it.
A favorite from my family: rigid rules. In my family, it was absolutely unacceptable to do drugs or alcohol. I knew this (and I agree it was a very reasonable rule), but how I handled this rule as a budding teen striving for independence, excitement, and peer acceptance was that I just crawled out the window. Because I was a “good girl by day,” I pretty much got away with getting drunk and doing every drug short of IV drugs. I got away with my lying, except the one time I got so drunk that “everyone” knew. If your child should decide to experiment with drugs and alcohol or engage in other dangerous activities, do you want the behavior to go underground like this?
As an effective short-term coping strategy. When a child lies unchecked to avoid accountability, it may become a way of life as an adult.

So, how do you spot lying?

If you suspect lying, document your child’s story in writing. Go back later and ask for the details again. If it is the truth, it will come out the same. If it was a lie, she will have trouble remembering what the lie was. Another strategy is to have your child tell the story in backwards order, which makes it harder to keep the lies straight.
Know the cues (Take this lie-spotting quiz to learn more.)
De-personalization
Inconsistency
Emphatic/strong: intense eye contact, very strong emotions
Over-embellished prologue, story, epilogue
Advanced course . . . check out Pamela Meyer’s book.

How can you encourage truth-telling?

Don’t overreact to the truth. If you are triggered and angry about what you are hearing, take a break. Calm down. Then talk.
Look for the positive intent. Get curious about why they did what they did, said what they said. Delve deep into what is going on inside their heads. What were they were so afraid of that they lied? (This might take two or three conversations.)
Don’t punish your children when they tell the truth. Instead, thank them for being brave enough to be honest.
If your kid lies and eventually does tell the truth, let him/her know you appreciate honesty but still follow through with consequences. Watch your judgment/labeling (“liar,” “sneak,” “not to be trusted”). Separate the action of lying from the person your child is.
Avoid putting your child in a position in which he feels he “has” to lie. In other words, don’t set your child up. If you know he did something wrong, don’t ask, “Did you break that vase?” Also, consider your child’s requests. Do you say “no” to requests or not take them seriously enough, so your kids feel they have to lie to have choices in their lives?
Lies are a part of our everyday life. Our kids observe our “white lies” and don’t understand the nuances behind them. Short and simple: Don’t model lying! Be as honest and forthright as you can, and be aware when you are telling “white lies.” Note that not talking is an upgrade from “white lies.”
Value connection with your kids. Once kids start lying, they have trouble keeping the story straight—-so they quit talking to you at all to avoid getting tripped up in their lies.

Want to take this to even a higher level? Commit to a truth-telling culture. Be warned, however, that there are challenges. We live in a culture where the social norm is often about comfort over honesty, where “white lies” keep things smooth for the moment. (This is especially true with our more peripheral relationships where I have caught myself telling two white lies in the last 24 hours.)

I would suggest starting by being 100% honest in those relationships that matter the most. Our close friends and family accept us unconditionally, want to hear our truth, and are most likely to appreciate honesty. This can only strengthen our authenticity, openness and create closer, deeper, and even more connected relationships. Then we can gently take this bold honesty out into the world and strengthen all of our relationships.

With admiration for all you do!

Dr. Kathy