Healthy Eating . . . Thriving Families

February 2, 2012 by

Healthy eating is on my mind after a rather long string of delicious meals during our two-week trip to Croatia and the holidays. Plus, there is just something about NOW–as in Tracy Chapman’s song, If Not Now, Then When? I practically cry when I hear that song for the things I am not doing in my life that I know would lead to happiness, connection, and longevity.

With healthy eating, old habits die hard. And I pass those old habits on to those I love who eat with me. If “you are what you eat,” what is the impact I have on my kids after 18+ years of three meals per day. If I want to be alive and healthy with my grandkids at 70 and 80, what am I doing now in service of that? If I want my CHILDREN to be alive and healthy with THEIR grandkids at 70 and 80, what am I doing now in service of THAT? Back to “If Not Now, Then When?”

My colleague Cynthia Gulick, DO, a Portland family practitioner, has seen such an increase in obesity and diabetes that she founded Oregon Medical Weight Loss & Wellness. Her interventions have reversed diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, fatty liver, sleep apnea and depression for many people. She focuses on prevention and especially loves to help families with weight-challenged kids step up to a level of energy, of thriving, that isn’t just surviving. She feels strongly that weight-challenged families need to stop blaming themselves, or their kids, for medical forces that often are a factor but are usually hidden–especially because they CAN be treated effectively.

To help you help your kids on to a healthy lifestyle, I’ve asked Dr. Gulick to share her thoughts with you.

From guest author Dr. Cythnia Gulick
Picture this: You’re hosting a “baseball” birthday party for your nine-year-old. Like a pack of puppies, all the kids have careened outside to the front yard, engrossed with a game. Plates of birthday cake with melting puddles of ice cream lie abandoned for the lure of the outdoors, for the compelling draw of playing together outside in a manic, festive, boyish romp. Except. . . . there’s one, maybe two kids, for whom the lure of play is overridden by what must clearly be compelling, physical, internal cues of hunger.

I’ve raised four kids, and the three boys were teenagers at the same time. In my peripheral vision, I was often aware of how hungry some members of their gang always were. It’s those kids who cycle back through the kitchen foraging for more chips, or more birthday cake, or more soda, even when the birthday games are in full swing.

We’ve all seen this, or something like it. When we think of these children, it’s easier to see that hunger is truly a BIOLOGICALLY loaded internal cue. These kids do not have “weak wills”; they are not lacking in moral fortitude! The whole burden of blame that we tend to lay on ourselves as adults for our weight challenges seems more transparently absurd when we think about it in the context of kids.

Overweight kids are hungry, period. They’re driven by strong internal cues, of which they’re completely unaware, that are both discoverable and modifiable. In fact, many of these kids have high levels of insulin resistance from an unfortunate combination of a genetic predisposition (to diabetes) and a “carboholic” environment, in which not just soda and fast food but fruit juice, fruit products, and packaged food laden with high fructose corn syrup have become so much the norm that we don’t even “see” it as abnormal anymore. (For more information by Dr. Gulick on insulin resistance, check out this additional article, “Helping Overweight Kids: Could the Culprit be Insulin Resistance?”

But What to Do!?
The bottom line is, we need to get kids to eat food that’s good for them. Parents often tell me, with respect to even their smallest children, they just can’t get them to eat vegetables and they can’t stand the amount of whining, pressuring and pestering they get to buy the junk food, fast food, and soda. In response to this, there’s a marvelous story to tell about a study done with pigeons.

Pigeons are quite easily trained to peck an orange circle on the floor of their cage if they’re rewarded with a grain of rice each time they do so. On the other hand, if the researcher stops rewarding them, they continue to peck in expectation of the grain of rice, for approximately 19 more times. After that, they give up. It’s quite predictable. They can and do learn that it’s futile to peck any more: 19 pecks, plus or minus and it’s over.

On the other hand, if that pigeon is given a grain on the 19th peck, then the pigeon will go 90 more times pecking on the orange circle in an attempt to gain the grain again. Intermittent rewards are the most reinforcing. The gambling industry has studied this carefully and makes huge profits off this essential animal behavioral characteristic. Witness the ubiquitous slot machines.

How to apply this to parenting? If you’re going to have SOME candy in your child’s life, make a ritual of it, make it fun, have it be your “special day,” but have it be predictable, foreseeable, anticipatable. The child then learns there is no candy on any other days–just on Halloween or on birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s, or whatever you decide. Pick your rituals, make your boundaries, and then stick to them. If you stick to your guns, the pecking and whining will exhaust itself much sooner than if you give in intermittently. Relenting occasionally is the worst-case scenario. It leads to parental “death by pecking” from the child’s whining that’s been reinforced occasionally. The child will play you–just like a slot machine.

What If My Child HATES Vegetables!?
With respect to the ubiquitous complaint that children just despise vegetables no matter how they are served, Sarah Fragoso, who wrote the cookbook Everyday Paleo, has a great suggestion: namely that you involve your kids in the game or the craft, the PROJECT of preparing or even picking a vegetable from the market. “When your kids sit on the counter with you, and you give them a job and make them feel important, and don’t focus on the fact that you’re prepping broccoli and chicken—if you have them choose the spices and stir it and make a big fuss over what they’ve accomplished. . . well, it’s amazing what kids will do if you let them help you,” Fragoso says.

Use your imagination with respect to how you can make your vegetable “project” more akin to a craft project that you will build or create together. Once kids are involved with vegetables from the picking of them at the store or off your porch window box, they are much more invested in embracing the outcome of their culinary explorations.

Get Healthy! A Few Tips from Dr. Gulick:
So, what is clear through all my experience and research is this:

  • Eat more protein for breakfast. It keeps you satisfied longer. Simple carbs (like most breakfast cereals) stimulate hunger. Hard-boiled eggs can be eaten in the car, too, if necessary.
  • Less, or better yet, NO soda or fruit juices. Drink water, water, water! Try zero-low calorie flavored waters. Some even taste like soda!
  • Have healthy snacks READY. String cheese, veggies, plain yogurt sweetened with berries and a little honey or Stevia, etc. Try Veggie Cars! (Celery sticks with peanut butter, sliced carrots for wheels and a few raisins for the passengers!) Now there’s an irresistible veggie craft project!

Dr. Kathy, back here with you! Many thanks to Dr. Gulick for her comments. I would like to add one last tip: Exercise, exercise, exercise! There is NO excuse. Start with 10-minute walks, three times a day. Make the walks family time. Do it until it doesn’t feel right NOT to do it. It doesn’t take long. Or get your family hooked on hiking, biking, rafting, skiing, whatever.

Also, if you feel you need a little boost to get started on your path to healthy eating, get empowered with “Personal Power” as outlined in our January emPower Monthly. If you remember from that issue, intention is everything! Set your intention. Commit for 21 days. Then see the change become reality.

Here’s to your healthy family!

Dr. Kathy

P.S. The topic of healthy eating is near and dear to my heart. So much so, that I’m offering a free phone chat to talk more about it. See the details under “Webinars” at www.family-empower.com and join me on February 9th at noon!

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Personal Power Packs a Big Punch

January 1, 2012 by

Personal power is simply this: believing you have the power to make choices that influence what happens in your life. Imagine if your child believed this about him/herself!

Personal power is one of the 40 Developmental Assets identified by the Search Institute as being indicators of how well a child thrives. According to this research-based organization, a child has Asset #37 (personal power) when “the child feels he or she has some influence over things that happen in his or her life.”

Personal power starts early and grows slowly–from her simply crawling away in glee from a caregiver, to his outright “no” at two, to eventual self-management skills–depending somewhat on how much practice he/she gets with age-appropriate responsibilities. Of course, children who feel loved and supported unconditionally are more apt to feel secure enough to take appropriate risks and learn so they can grow up confident, competent, and thriving.

As with so, so many things we want for our children, their personal power begins with us. Yes, it is another lecture on modeling! As a new year begins, ask yourself what you could do to maximize your own belief that you have control over what happens to you. How can you model setting goals and achieving them? How can you demonstrate coping skills and healthy ways to deal with frustration and challenges? How can you show your children that you have control of your own life?

Here are some tools to help you with your own personal power while nurturing that of your child(ren):

1. CHOICE THEORY

William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, summarizes personal power in a few key concepts:

  • No one can control you.
  • You can’t control anyone else. (All you can do is share information with others.)
  • If you are not happy and content with your life, what are you doing about it?

Ultimately, what choices you make in this moment on this day will lead to the life you want. William Glasser helped me to rid my life of the word “should” and the baggage that comes with it. Now, if I want X outcome, I think: “I must do 1.2.3. to get there.” This is what life coaching is all about: defining clear goals and exploring steps to get there.

Parents struggling with their teens find this approach invaluable. Switching from “telling” adolescents what to do to “asking” them about their choices gets teens thinking about why they do what they do and the steps things take. This is an approach we focus on in our “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” class starting next month. Occasionally, you may have the shocking experience of hearing your words come out of their mouths. More often, as you give them more responsibility and choice, they will “fall down” from a poor decision and need to learn how to get back up. No one develops personal power muscle unless he/she gets a chance to practice.

2. LEARNED OPTIMISM

A fascinating glimpse behind personal power is to look at the opposite: learned helplessness. At 13, Martin Seligman watched his father go from being a successful lawyer to a depressed, wheelchair-bound invalid after a stroke. Later, in his psychology training, Seligman did research with dogs that were “taught” helplessness. Dogs heard a tone followed by an inescapable shock. Eventually, most of the dogs “learned” that nothing they did made a difference, so, even when they were placed in a new chamber they could easily escape, most of them responded to the tone alone by curling up and whimpering. Seligman related this sense of helplessness to the despair he had seen in his dad. But his research uncovered something else: Approximately one in three of the dogs refused to give in to helplessness. That exact same ratio showed up in follow-up research with cockroaches, rats, goldfish, and even humans.

In search of how individuals can defy the odds and refuse to be helpless, Seligman focused on how people explain good and bad events in their lives. He determined that people with an optimistic explanation of events spring back from set-backs, whereas a pessimistic style of brutal honesty can lead to a life of despair. According to his research, which has been confirmed with hundreds of studies, optimists take good events and globalize them; and they contain bad events. This is what we should want for our children. We don’t want to teach them “helplessness” by never allowing them to use their personal power, even starting at a very early age. Rather, we want them to be optimistic about their future and believe they have the personal power to defy any odds.

Consider some inspiring examples of personal power despite set-backs. Thomas Edison’s teachers, for example, said he was “too stupid to learn anything,” and Albert Einstein’s parents thought he was “sub-normal.”

Providing our kids with the modeling and practice for personal power is not about puffing up self esteem. Rather, it’s about raising children with optimism and skill mastery. Seligman’s book, The Optimistic Child: A Revolutionary Program That Safeguards Children Against Depression and Builds Lifelong Resilience, is a must-read. You will find in the booka quiz on optimism. You might also want to check out Seligman’s Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life as well as his website, where you’ll find many other questionnaires on hope and happiness.

3. INTENTION

Wanting to have personal power and to be optimistic-–and wanting our children to have personal power and to be optimistic–is all about intention. Life is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want a good life, you must be clear about what you want–whether the “good” relates to health, happiness, fun, love, or close connection. Then you must believe to the depths of your soul that what you intend is already true. Lastly, let go. When you align your feelings, actions, thoughts, “the good” happens. (Jim Carrey agrees that “intention is everything.”)

Granted, young kids do not have the abstract brain for intention-setting, but it is possible during the teen years. For the younger ones, hearing and seeing us model intention is paramount. Treat them as optimistic beings with personal power and they will know themselves as such. For teens, we should have set the stage for them during their young years and then provide opportunities for them to set intentions and exercise their fulfillment strategies on their own. And then let them fly!

4. CHANGE YOUR MIND AND YOU CHANGE YOUR BRAIN

Personal power and all its benefits become second nature only with practice, practice, practice. The more you practice doing something differently, the stronger the new neural pathways become in your brain. The saying is, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Science says it differently: “Neurons that wire together, fire together.” This means that, when I am hungry and long for a chocolate bar but I choose to put an apple in my mouth, I am laying down new neural pathways between hunger alert and “apple” that get stronger every time I practice.

This is the origin of the idea that it takes 21 days to change a habit. In 21 days, new neural pathways have begun to replace the old pathways. I am saying out loud to all of you that I am starting a new habit this month. I am getting up early to meditate at least 20 minutes for the next 21 days. And I really, really want this habit to stick. By the February emPower Monthly, it will be well ingrained. Then I plan to start drinking vegetable juice every morning. I have the power to make this happen.

What habit are you willing to commit to right now? No yelling, walking 20 minutes daily, paying bills efficiently, taking vitamins…? How will you learn optimism and practice it? How will you help your child to build personal power to set him/her on a course toward a life of health and happiness? Believe it, practice it, and it will be so!

With inspiration for all you do,

Dr Kathy

P.S. If the idea of interpersonal neurobiology intrigues you and you want more, get a group of friends together to read The Brain That Changes Itself, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom, and Rick Hanson’s articles on family.

If you are fascinated by optimism and positive psychology, click on this link, or check out work-related optimism questionnaires here.

Lastly, for those of you who have been interested enough to read to the very end, we could not leave out this every interesting quote by Martin Seligman that explains optimism and pessimism. In an Omni interview entitled “How to make friends and win presidential elections: Try a little optimism,” Seligman says, “Optimists, it turns out, have a lopsided view of the universe that makes them resistant to defeat. If something good happens, optimists think they did it (personalization); the positive effects will affect everything else they try (permanence); the goodness will last forever (persistence). If something bad happens, they’re not to blame; the failure won’t affect anything else they try; the negative effects will be fleeting. Optimists have exactly the opposite explanations of good and bad events. Pessimists are more logically consistent, applying the same view of causality to good and bad events . . . which is probably the reason they are more vulnerable to feelings of helplessness and depression.”

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Intergenerational Connections: The Ties that Bind

December 1, 2011 by

Ah, the holidays! I hope the commencement of this season brings you joy and anticipation of sharing, caring and connection—rather than thoughts of gift lists, over-commitment and stress. The choice is yours. As long as you are intentional about what you truly want for the holidays, you can make that magic happen.

For me, I make sure the holidays are a time of intergenerational connection, not only with my younger and older family members, but also with those in my congregation, my neighborhood, my city. One strong Christmas memory is drinking sweet tea with my Grammy while we roll out her thick, delicious shortbread cookies . . . a feeling there is no where else I would rather be. Unconditional love, stories of about raising her family in Alaska, funny things my dad did as a boy. And I am reminded that such intergenerational connection does not just have to happen over the holidays. We should be pro-active about spending time with people of other ages throughout the year and throughout our lives.

Grand-parenting is a natural relationship for connecting old and young. I so admire my friends who are grandparents. One has a magical forest where the grandkids search for fairies. Another created “Grandma Camp,” with morning walks and learning babysitting with a baby cousin. A new friend I met at the Indianapolis School Counselors Conference set up a very intentional, respectful relationship with her grandsons. They call her Ancient, as in “wise elder.” Ancient and Grandpa create contracts detailing the projects their grandsons will do during their annual summer visits. The boys love these contracts. One time they explored a profession they were interested in–with the corresponding salary, and what housing and lifestyle they could afford with it. Another time, after taking a cooking class, the boys played “food critics,” writing up reviews of every restaurant they visited.

But the call to blend young and old goes beyond the joys of grand-parenting to the very wellbeing of each of us. Consider the Search Institute’s Developmental Assets. Among the 40 assets this venerable institution has identified as instrumental in helping young people grow up to be healthy, caring and responsible is having support from 1) three or more non-parent adults and 2) caring neighbors. The point is that connection with the older generation—whether adult neighbors, aunts, uncles, scout leaders, pastors, rabbis, teachers, grandparents or great-grandparents–significantly enhances the lives of the young.

Both age groups, however, benefit. In our featured book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families, David Niven warns, “Never lose sight of the fact that time spent with children does you as much good as it does the child.” He supports his comments with a 2003 study by J. Williamson showing that “more than eight out of ten relatives who have close contact with a child have strongly positive feeling about the experience.” In another chapter of his book, a retirement home resident had this to say about a visit from young people: “It was like a jolt of energy for everyone here.”

Today, youth under 15 still outnumber elders over 65 by about 1.5 to 1, but that is expected to change for the first time in history. Before 2050 in the United States, elders will outnumber youth. In a society that worships youth and institutionalizes age-segregation (schools and retirement homes), distrust and suspicion can brew between the different ages. Niven notes that, despite generational differences in ideas, views and perceptions, everyone, regardless of age, “has a desire to share a connection with people.” Making that connection happen and preventing barriers from brewing begins with us. We must be pro-active about intergenerational connection.

Mary Pipher, author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, says: “The more we love and respect our elders, the more we teach our children to love and respect us.” In her book, Mary shares insights into getting old, going to a place none of us has ever been (thus “Another Country”). Mary “maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. She offers us new ways of supporting each other–new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.” This can be very helpful for today’s parents taking care of their own parents, too.

It is ironic that the people with the most time on their hands, the elderly and youth, both want more time from us in-betweens who have the least time to spare. Very little is being put in place to bring these two groups together, to not only understand each other, but to support each other.

A place that close relationships among all generations can happen is at places of worship. For example, every year at my congregation we have an Un-birthday party for everyone. We divide up by birthday months. It is incredibly exciting to meet someone who has my same birthday. We work on an art project, talk about what we love about our May birthday, and eat cake together. Simple and fun.

Another touching example of bringing the generations together happens at All Seasons Pre-School in Inver Grove Heights, MN. This preschool has taken a bold step toward combining young and old. Their 3-5 year olds spend their days in a senior living community. All Seasons says, “The research to support intergenerational programming is strong and consistent. Young children need the wisdom and patience of the older generation, and old people need the innocence and vitality that only a young child can offer. Long-term studies show lasting benefits to young and old living and working together. Children who spend a significant amount of time with senior adults demonstrate improved vocabulary and advanced social skills, particularly in the areas of inclusiveness and empathy. In the older population, boredom, loneliness, and helplessness are alleviated.” The best evidence of the success of this unique model is in the joyful faces of All Seasons’ young and old.

Relationships across generations make us feel connected–not only to each other but also to something bigger: to the flow of life, to the past and to the future. In this hectic, high-tech world, we need this sense of connection. In fact, we crave it. It helps us to understand where we’ve come from, who we are, where we’re going, and why we’re going there

Take advantage of the natural flow of the holiday season and have fun engaging with people of all ages.

Happy holidays to you and yours,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. You can start your intergenerational journey with the help of Vital Aging Network which offers programs and ideas to engage young and old. Across Generations has kits and free activities for families, schools, senior centers and community groups. One example is the Grandparents Day Kit, inspired by the children’s book, Something to Remember Me By: A Story about Love and Legacies.

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Give Your Family a Gift: Sleep

November 1, 2011 by

This is not your usual, “How to Help Your Kids to Sleep” article, although it started out that way. When our kids are sleep deprived, parents get to experience/notice that extra challenge of conflict around everything: school activities, homework, chores, piano practice. Lucky us. But as I explored this topic, one thing stood out: We’re not modeling good sleep routines.

Granted, most of us know the numbers: Babies need anywhere from 10.5-18 hours of sleep; pre-schoolers, anywhere from 11-15 hours; 6-9 year-olds, from 10-11 hours; and adolescents, from 8.5-9.5 hours. We tend to safeguard the sleep time of our younger kids, but what about our teens?

Teens have struggled with getting enough sleep for decades. Their natural circadian rhythm is like having an internal clock of 25 hours. Every night, their drive is to stay up an hour later, exacerbated by insane school demands and the screen time so rampant in their lives. What is different today is that teens have no role models for sleep. Their parents are as sleep-deprived as they are.

Case study: Me. As a student and then intern, I practiced staying up all night. Now, I can get by on little sleep for a stretch, and so I do. When I have a lot on my plate, which I seem to “choose” often, I love getting in the groove of being productive and getting projects done into the late night hours. Until I don’t. Stress starts first, and I wake up worried at 4:00 am, getting even less sleep. (I even woke up at 4:30 am this morning, worrying about this very article that needed to be written yesterday). Then I get crabby, exhausted, discouraged, and a strong desire sets in to just hop on my bike for a one-way road trip. When this happens, I FINALLY slow down to rest. Then I do it all over again. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think down deep I believe, if I sleep less, I will get more living in.

I had a major wake-up call when I read Martha Beck’s article on burnout called “Stay Cool” (Oprah, November, 2011). Her “Chill Principle 2: Sleep As If Your Life Depends on It” struck a chord. She says, “Some people feel superior when they work around the clock. This is like proudly pouring Tabasco sauce in your eyes. Sleep makes you smarter, better-looking, and more creative. It can add years to your life. It does more to improve long-term quality of life than money, fancy vacations, or hot sex. Not giving high priority to sleep is frankly, insane.” She goes on to say, “Ignore these minimums [of 8 hours/night plus as needed naps/rests] and eventually your body will eventually end up lying still anyway–in your bed, a hospital, or the morgue. You choose.” Whoa. Ok! I am listening now.

We live in a culture moving faster than the “speed of life.” Even slowing down isn’t slow enough. Sleep is the first to go and the last to come back. It gives us that buffer to fit it all in, especially after we finally get those little darlin’s to bed. If you need more proof of the impact of sleep deprivation on poor driving, reduced immunity, poor performance and poor learning on you and your kids, check out Sleep for Science. For a lighthearted look at how sleep affects our happiness, read Gretchen Rubin’s blog, “A Fundamental Secret to Happiness? Get Enough Sleep.”

Two other tips that really speak to me come from the rhythm guru, Kim John Payne. In his book, Simplicity Parenting, Payne reiterates the importance of sleep in our lives: “Sleep is the ultimate rhythm. Everything your child does and who they will be are affected by their sleep or lack of it. Sleep is the required rhythm to a strong ‘I am’ sense of self. . . . Because a child’s brain is still developing, and so much of that neural growth and pruning happens while they’re sleeping, a deprivation of even one hour can have behavioral and intellectual consequences.” A study at Tel Aviv University confirms this assertion, proving a performance gap with even one hour less sleep.

Payne also talks about going to bed as a trust process in “letting go of your day” and says the process of letting go begins during the day with “pressure valves.” “When we let go during the day, we can more easily let go into sleep. Pressure valves allow your child to release emotional steam. . . . Each opportunity for release and calm is very small and insignificant, yet they add up.” For babies (and my husband), a pressure valve can be nap time. For older kids, it may be a foot rub with those deep, sharing talks at bedtime. It might be a moment of silence at dinnertime as a candle is lit. Or the “square breathing” that my third-grade teacher friend does several times a day: Deep breath in 1-2, hold 3-4, breath out 5-6, hold 7-8 for one minute.

Your sure-fire test if you or your kids are getting enough sleep is how you all get out of bed in the morning. If it is a knock-down, frantic fight with your kids, check out my “AM Northwest” talk and notes on “Take Your Morning Routine from Frantic to Happy.” For the extra challenge our teens give regarding sleep, you might need this emPower Monthly’s feature book, Snooze or Lose: 10 “No War” Ways to Improve Your Teen’s Sleep Habits by Dr. Helene Emsellem.

The very best gift we can give our families is our full, wonderful selves. When we get enough sleep, we are rested and resourceful and can handle whatever crabbiness the world throws at us. Then, we just might have the reserves to support our kids to get the sleep they need and have time for a little self-care, too. I am finally committed.

Wishing you and yours deep sleep and beautiful dreams,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For some specific sleeping tips, check out my “Tips for Sleep at Any Age.” For a recently released “Green Time for Sleep Time” report from the National Wildlife Federation, detailing how time spent outdoors improves sleep, visit www.nwf.org.

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Ready, Set . . . Enough!

September 1, 2011 by

What is enough? Big question! It can be applied to money, salary, job satisfaction, house size, clothes, health. . . . As we start a new school year, probably the most important question for parents to ask is, “what is enough for our kids and our family for these next nine months?” We want to support our kids to be their full selves—to be happy, resilient, competent, and prepared to face the future. But what does that look like? And at what cost?

There is so much pressure in our culture to over-do. We think we have to get our kids into the right preschool to ultimately get into the right college! In order to “build their resume,” they have to be stellar students, sports stars, music virtuosos or . . . . Really?! There is peer pressure on us, too. If your kid is not in “enough” extracurricular activities–and a standout at that–are you being a “good” parent?Truly, it seems that much of the drive for competitive sports or the arts comes from the fear that our kids won’t get into the “right” college. Loren Pope, author of Looking Beyond the Ivy League, calls today’s college search a “national frenzy, the family’s chief worry . . . and based on a past society where prestige and status got the jobs.” Instead, he says, “in tomorrow’s pioneering society, new careers will go to risk-takers, those who can use knowledge – not those with the greatest store of it – people who can see and make connections.” Giving kids the space in their lives to be creative and just be kids is the best strategy to developing risk-takers, to nurturing their ability to observe and make connections on their own.

So, how are you doing as a family? In the book we are highlighting this month, Putting Family First, Dr. Bill Doherty includes an eight-question quiz, “Are you a Frantic Family?” As you will learn if you take the quiz, Doherty focuses not so much on what you are doing as on what you are not doing. In other words, is there time in every one of your family members’ lives for connecting, spending time with each other, and just relaxing?

David Elkins of Psychology Today has a good perspective on this topic in “Are We Pushing Our Kids Too Hard?” He says what kids really need is:

  • Meaningful relationships–with family, with extended family, and friends
  • Time by him/herself to be able to play in a natural, creative way, ultimately learning to be self-aware.

Granted, extracurricular activities can be opportunities for connection and building meaningful relationships. Much of what my 25-year-old son now values about his years in organized soccer is the in-between discussions on the drive home after a frustrating game and memories of kicking the soccer ball around in the back yard with Chip and me. Plus sports can build self-confidence, and a little stress can be good to maximize potential. But kids today are getting an overdose to the point of interfering with their health and brain development. In his groundbreaking book, The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld talks about what happens to the family unit when it tries too hard to over-enrich children, describing an unhealthy state of perpetual motion. It all comes back to Aristole’s “everything in moderation”!

So are the activities you are about to sign up for this school year in service of the full, rich life you and your children long for? How many extracurricular activities will be juggled? How much time will you be driving to and from and organizing for all these activities? How much time will you spend on chores and house maintenance? How much time will your kids be spending on homework (or be resisting your nagging about homework)?

In “Tips for Getting Your Family to Slow Down, Share Time,” Peggy O’Crowley has some great suggestions:

  • Write it down. Everyone’s activities go on a big calendar.
  • Downtime and transition time need to be on the schedule, too.
  • Everyone consults the calendar daily to prep for the next day. (Wish I had done this! A Sunday night review by all of the entire upcoming week would be helpful as well.)
  • Homework time needs to be when your child’s energy and focus is at its best.
  • Keep track of homework with a folder for each kid.
  • If life feels too busy, stressed, disconnecting, choose what to drop.

I have one last suggestion as you embark upon the new school year, although it may seem contradictory. I challenge you to clear a day every month and add National Family Night to your calendar. Founder Alvin Rosenfeld says a good life is most highly correlated with having at least one good relationship. Make your goal a “good life” for your child, not getting into Harvard!

Wishing you enough,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For little kids, you might start the school year off by reading The Berenstein Bears and Too Much Pressure. It’s never too early to start the conversation about taking care of yourself!

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Cultivating Creativity

August 5, 2011 by

Want to help prepare your child for a satisfying future? Support him to tap into his creative side! That’s right, pull out the paint brush, sewing needle, guitar, clay, fabric, pipe cleaners. . . . Exercising the right brain will do wonders for maximizing brain flexibility and adaptability. Plus creating art with your kids is fun and also very “connecting.” And it is perfect for those lazy days at the end of summer that hover toward boring.

When I look back on my education, art is what I remember most fondly: the teepees, the catacombs, a bull-fighting ring, and the life-size, papier-mache lady sitting with a cup of tea. My high school art class was where I could be me, where I could explore and experiment without judgment.

Today, in many schools, the arts and creativity are relegated to the bottom of the education hierarchy–the first to go with budget or time crunches–with math, science, and literacy on top. Of course, these are important. The problem is that all these subjects utilize the left brain, leaving the right brain and the rest of the body in the dust.

Creativity expert Sir Ken Robinson, author of Out of Our Minds: Learning to Be Creative (2011), says, “schools are killing our kids’ creativity.”

Sir Ken Robinson champions radical rethinking of our school systems to cultivate creativity and acknowledge multiple types of intelligence. And he has good reason. Our world is rapidly changing, and companies must adapt fast with new products and services. IBM surveyed 3,000 CEOs about challenges facing today’s businesses. Promoting creativity topped the survey as the major priority for CEOs.

Who knows exactly what skills your kindergartner will need in 25 years? All we know for sure is, he/she will need to be creative and rapidly adaptable to thrive–at home, at school, and in the workplace. You can make a difference by making creativity a priority in your family, so your child practices accessing the right brain as often as the left. We must educate our children’s whole being for the future they face.

My favorite “Sir Ken” story is of a fidgety, “underperforming” eight-year-old. When Gillian visited a physician on the recommendation of administrators who planned to move her to Special Education classes, the physician asked to talk privately to her mom, turned on the radio, and left Gillian alone. Peeking in the room, the physician and her mom saw Gillian dancing. The physician prescribed, “Send her to dancing school,” and the rest is history. The girl, Gillian Lynne, went on to dance professionally and choreograph world-renowned musicals such as Phantom of the Opera and Cats. Today, this same girl would probably be put on Ritalin and told to “stuff” her desire to move.

One of the best ways to practice and strengthen our “innovative, creative muscle” is to spend time doing art. Being flexible and “going with the flow” is the only way art works. In The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections, Amanda Blake Soule not only shares many wonderful projects, but she also showcases the power of family art: Creativity in your everyday home life can be the gravitational field that pulls your family inward and closer. Think how fun and connecting a family drawing time would be or a family puppet show or a family hoe-down with everyone playing musical instruments, singing, and dancing! Creative living and the arts also can connect us to others, locally and globally. Riverdale teacher Debbie Gorenstein’s third graders participate in the Zimbabwean Artist Project, writing and illustrating stories in the African tradition. Their art is hung in a gallery side-by-side with illustrated stories from Zimbabwean women who sell their artwork as a major source of income.

Some of my favorite project ideas from The Creative Family include:

  • Banging Wall: Hang a clothesline and hang pots from it. Give each child a wooden spoon.
  • Homemade Book: Kids write and illustrate a story on 8 ½” x 11” paper folded in half. Poke two holes in seam and tie with dental floss. Make a cardboard cover with contact paper. Glue first and last page to hold book in place.
  • Fairy Furniture: Go for a walk, gather natural items, and, with a glue gun, make chairs, beds, houses, forts…
  • Making pants or shorts for your kids from Dad’s old shirts is “connecting” every day they wear them.
  • Gather fabric of all sizes, textures, and colors. Your kids will invent with it for years to come.

I actually was inspired by Soule’s suggestions and just took my first process painting class. This art method was invented by Michele Cassou, author of Kids Play: Igniting Children’s Creativity, as a way of unblocking the creative potential. The basic tenants of the method are to remove judgment, be in the moment, and be unattached to the outcome. No one comments on anyone’s painting (like yoga or meditation or stream-of-consciousness writing), allowing each of us to tap into our own deeper, intuitive knowing.

So I pretended I was six years old, got a fat paintbrush, picked a color, and started brushing away without a plan or a critic. It was fun and rewarding. The big lesson for parents here is to find an artistic outlet to practice being free and creative, and for removing the critics and the rules that get in our children’s way of doing ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. It is in this place of freedom that we and our children can feel fully alive and let our imaginations soar.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. My art coach, Kris Bally, will share the process painting method with Portland parents this fall. Check out our Portland Happenings for dates and times. Or, find a process painting class in your community.

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Supporting ALL Our Kids for a Quality Education

September 15, 2010 by

We Can Make the Difference When We Collaborate

I just heard that for the first time in the history of our country, this current generation of children will be less literate than the previous generation. And, as we all know, for the last several decades, we have not stacked up too well against 29 other industrialized nations, ranking 25th in math and 21st in science. US kids all falling behind in every category except confidence where they rate #1.

Where I heard this information was on the preview of a fantastic new movie coming out called Waiting for Superman. Check it out right now, even if you are busy. It made me cry, It made me want to storm the streets and say why and how did we let the education system get so bad for so many kids. A kids who doesn’t graduate high school is eight times more likely to go to prison. Is building more prisons the best answer we have to this problem?

What can we do?

  • Go see Waiting for Superman with a group at a discounted rate and be inspired.
  • Get involved in your school to make it the best it can be. Raise funds with your PTA so at least there will be more programs for the kids in your school, right now.
  • Let your kid’s teacher know how much you appreciate the work they do every day and help her/him out in every way you can.
  • Start a Parent Discussion Group using Raising Our Daughters/Sons focusing on how you, as a group, can contribute to make the school better. There are 100’s of ideas. You’ll know which ones are best for your families and your school.
  • Advocate for now and forever for school funding. It is incredibly valuable to change laws so school funding has a more stable base. No one advocates for children issues more effectively than Stand for Children
  • Join Stand for Children and donate your money and your time.They have six state chapters in Oregon, Arizona, Colorado, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Washington and you can help from wherever you live. Check out their site for their incredible success over and over again at mobilizing people who care about kids to pass legislation that benefits our kids.

Maybe now is the time. Maybe this movie, Waiting for Superman, will be the tipping point we need to wake up this nation to support our kids to succeed, so we can all thrive.

Do we have the courage to collaborate so this can happen? What are your ideas? Share them hear for all of us to see.

In admiration for all you do,
Dr Kathy

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Supporting ALL Our Kids for a Quality Education

September 15, 2010 by

We Can Make the Difference When We Collaborate

I just heard that, for the first time in the history of our country, this current generation of children will be less literate than the previous generation. And, as we all know, for the last several decades, we have not stacked up too well against other industrialized nations, ranking 25th in math and 21st in science out of 30. US kids all falling behind in every category except confidence, where they rate a stellar #1.

Where I heard this information was on the preview of a fantastic new movie coming out called Waiting for Superman. Watch the preview right now, even if you are super busy. It made me cry, It made me want to storm the streets and ask, “Why and how did we let the education system get so bad for so many kids?

Granted, some of us are really lucky. We have some excellent schools here in Oregon with stellar teachers. My kids are proof of that. We can and must create more of those highly functioning schools across our state and nation. Another fact I picked up from Waiting for Superman was that a kid who doesn’t graduate from high school is eight times more likely to go to prison! So is the best strategy really to build more prisons?

What can we do?

  • Go see Waiting for Superman with a group and be inspired. Go with your friends.
  • Get involved in your school to make it the best it can be. Raise funds with your PTA so at least there will be more programs for the kids in your school, right now.
  • Let your kid’s teachers know how much you appreciate the work they do every day and help them out every way you can.
  • Start a Parent Discussion Group using Raising Our Daughters/Sons Parenting Guides focusing on how you, as a group, can contribute to make the school better. There are hundreds of ideas in these parenting guides. You’ll know which ones are best for your family and your school.
  • Advocate now and forever for school funding. It is incredibly valuable to change laws so school funding has a more stable base. No one advocates for childrens’ issues more effectively than Stand for Children
  • Join Stand for Children and donate your money and your time. They have six state chapters in Oregon, Arizona, Colorado, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and Washington. You can help from wherever you live. Check out their Web site for their incredible success over and over again at mobilizing people who care about kids to pass legislation that benefits our kids.

Maybe now is the time. Maybe this movie, Waiting for Superman, will be the tipping point we need to wake up this nation to support our kids to succeed, so we can all thrive. Do we have the courage to collaborate and back up our talk that we care about kids with some action so this can happen?

In admiration for all you do,
Dr Kathy

Let me know what is going on in your school, your city, your state, to make schools better for our kids. We will share it!

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The World’s Longest Umbilical Cord: Our Cell Phones

September 8, 2010 by

Can Cell Phones Lead to TOO Much Connection?

Last week my daughter, Kaitlin, called me to ask what she should do about ___. When I asked her the next day what it was about, she couldn’t remember either. Was it should I eat dinner at home or go out, buy tan or blue towels, go running or biking, or just vent about not feeling like studying for a medical school exam? What we did agree on was that it was something pretty inane and hardly worthy of the words used in the conversation.

We had a good laugh about it, especially when I told her I was about to write a blog about cell phones being the “world longest umbilical cord.” What is even more funny is that my daughter is 26 and about the most competent, independent, accomplished young adult I know (no bias, of course).

I was reminded about the over-dependency on cell phones in my last blog about creating peaceful school mornings by turning over responsibility to our kids. A turning point for my kids happened when they were 11 and 13 and missed the school bus. I was on rounds in the hospital. My husband was traveling. There were no cell phones. We were unavailable. So on their own, my kids decided to walk to school. It took them 2 hours. And they never missed the school bus again. This would have NEVER happened if cell phones were around. They would have called us for RESCUE and we would have figured a way to do it.

So it is tough out there for us parents. We helicopter: hover and rescue when we know our kids are suffering. It is deeply ingrained in our genetic code. And with cell phones we know EVERYTHING, even when our kid is agonizing over the miniature decision of whether to wear the red or blue shirt. Or when our kids call pleadingly to see if we will drive to school with the lunch, the homework, the earrings that match the red shirt, and …. One principal got so fed up with the giant pile of daily drop-offs that she banned parents from being allowed to drop stuff off. And miracles of miracles, the kids started remembering to bring the things in on their own.

So I just challenge you to just think about your 24-7 availability. It is wonderful for everyone to have cell phone access. It is unparalleled for safety and for connection.

Just consider having some times that you aren’t available to answer the phone. With a signal for emergencies that you work out with your kids, you just might have a little “me” time and your kids might have a little “independence” time.

With admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy

PS if you want to take a “Am I a Helicopter Parent?” Quiz, check out page 7:23 if you own a Raising Our Daughters or Raising Our Sons Parenting Guide . If not, just pop us a note and ask us for the quiz. We also have a blog and video interview on helicoptering last winter.

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Tilt Your Morning Routine on School Days to POSITIVE

August 25, 2010 by

I am amazed the power of a disorganized morning to “SIEZE the day.” And I don’t mean as in “Carpe Diem- making the most of life.” I mean mornings that are more like seized-up, off-kilter, full-tilt-craziness to frantically get every family member out the door in time. It takes half the day to calm down.

Do these school day scenarios sound familiar to you?

Jon sleeps right through his alarm clock. I have to go in several times and only when I yell really loud and get anxious, does anything happen.

Molly moves like molasses in the morning, watching cartoons while she slowly eats. Despite multiple reminders (ie nagging), she waits until the last 5 minutes to get dressed and often misses the bus. Then I HAVE to drive her to school.

If your family has struggled with mornings, commit now to exploring new approaches.

  • Get enough sleep: Separate “going to bed” from “going to sleep” to avoid power struggles you can’t win. No one can make anyone go to sleep. Find out how much sleep he needs, how much transition time he needs to fall asleep, and that establishes what time he gets into bed.
  • Allow enough time: find out how much time she needs to get out of bed (takes me 20 minutes to move), get dressed, eat, pack lunch, and get out the door smoothly- then add five minutes. That establishes what time she needs to get up.
  • Set an alarm: get out of the nag business now on this one. Even third graders can use it and for sure by 12. If the loudest alarm still does not wake your kid up, buy Sonic Boom alarm clock geared for the hearing-impaired.
  • NO TV in the AM: For sure, absolutely! No exceptions. Listen to the radio for news.
  • Over 12 years: anyone 12 and over is perfectly capable of ALL morning tasks needed: alarm, shower, dressing, breakfast, walk to bus. Get out of the way and you will foster responsibility in your kid.
  • Under 12 years: Those under 12 can gradually work up to doing everything themselves. I know some 4 year-olds that can do it all. Prepping the night before can help.
  • Carpool parents: It is OK to put shoes on and eat breakfast in the car, if it eases the routine. Heck, go to school in PJs. No judgment! No worries! No one will even know you did it (except the PJs).
  • Set up consequences that affect the kids: the outcome of being late and missing the bus has to be more painful for the kid than the parent or nothing will change. A basic premise of all of this is that the kids have to feel the pain of their choices not you. If they miss the bus and you drive, you are the only one feeling pain. This is a time when “short-term” pain for long-term gain” might apply. Maybe your kids are late for school, because you are “unavailable.” Maybe they pay for a taxi or at least pay you back in chores for your time spent driving. One time can be a charm. The last time my kids missed the bus they had to walk 3 miles to get to middle school. I was unavailable that morning (bcp- before cell phones).
  • Sit back with a cup of JAVA: be available for connection and love, be unavailable for “rescuing,” and watch it all happen like magic.

Finding a morning routine that works can be one of the most important gifts you can bring into your family life. The outcome is that everyone gets to start the day grounded, you get to be calm, and send the kids off with kisses and a peaceful heart.

For admiration for all you do,
Dr. Kathy

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