How Children Lead Us Inward

What a miracle our children are! With the amazing biology of birth aside, we revel in the awe of our newborns’ tiny toes, their first crooked smiles, their grasping fingers, their ability to mirror us . . . and be. As they grow, we chuckle about their fierce determination to get from Point A to Point B–in any way–from butt scooting, to crab crawling, to toddling. Then, they get older . . . and we get busier. But, do we remember to gaze in awe? Do we continue to step back and observe with admiration and wonder? Do we take the time to relish every stage of their lives and mark the many miracles that happen every day?

I am about to exit one stage of parenting and enter another, as my daughter plans her wedding. She looks radiant in the dress she’s chosen, whispers lovingly to her fiancé, and makes plans for a family of her own someday–the wondrous cycle of life resplendent before my eyes. As I return to stand-still awe, I’m inspired to reflect upon my journey of parenting Kaitlin and upon all that she and her brother have taught me.

I believe that parenting is a rudder that keeps us directed toward what really matters. If we steer with our children’s best interests in mind and heart–and thoughtfully engage in their everyday living without going on auto-pilot–our journey of parenting can lead to fulfillment, to finding meaning and purpose in our own lives. Truly, our children give us the chance to see the world anew, with fresh eyes, to embrace the ordinary and return to what Buddhists lovingly call, “the beginner’s mind.” Yes, if we watch and listen closely, our children remind us every day that there is a greater power beyond ourselves.

In exploring the theme of how our children can lead us inward, I was excited to hear about our featured book of the month. In Parenting as a Spiritual Journey: Deepening Ordinary and Extraordinary Events into Sacred Occasions Nancy Fuchs-Kreimer offers ample ideas of the lessons our kids teach us and how we can internalize those lessons and live more fully, more deeply, in a sacred space. For example, in her prologue, Rabbi Kreimer writes: “All the theology I’d studied would not help me raise my children. But it might work the other way. Raising children might help me learn something about God.”

Inspired by Rabbi Kreimer’s words and the beauty and transformative power of the stories in her book, I’ve compiled a short list of what Kaitlin and Jon, my children, have taught me—insights that have re-awakened my “beginners’ mind” and fostered my own spirituality:

DELIGHT IN SIMPLE LIVING
Children delight in simple pleasures. My kids and their friends would wait patiently in line to go on the zip line in our yard. Then they would zip through the trees in delight and do it all over and over and over again. They would pull me to the fruit and veggies growing in our gardens and eat raspberries one by one with glee.

Kids laugh so easily and unabashedly that my heart soars just being around children, anybody’s children. They can remind us that delighting in simple pleasures just might free us from working so hard to buy “stuff” to give us pleasure! This story provides a stark example of how valuing simple living might look:

Maryjo and Marcos dedicated the weekend to the kids–taking them from the children’s museum, to the indoor swim park, to a movie, and out for pizza. When Maryjo asked her son what he liked best about the weekend, he responded, “Sweeping out the garage with dad.”

DANCE IN THE MOMENT
Kids live in the moment naturally. As we grow up, we “learn” to plan for the future and build on the past, being told that being prepared and looking ahead will “get you ahead.” But there’s glory in “dancing in the moment.“

I was “forced” into “the moment” during my kids’ teen years, when my previously “effective” parenting strategies no longer worked. The biologic drive for individuation in those little darlings manifested daily with a new challenge: May I sleep-over with boys there? May I go to a rock concert? May I go camping with my friends? I learned quickly that simply saying “No” was not only ineffective, but it also seemed to instigate even more intensity and conflict. So I learned to embrace the present situation, make the best decision I could at the particular moment, stay connected with my kids, and enjoy the dance.

The big question is: How can we dance to a win-win place? I’m still working on dancing in the moment and not dwelling in the past nor planning stridently for the future. Living in the moment—and enjoying it without fear—takes a lot of faith.

TRUST
Having faith that living simply in the moment will lead to a rich life takes trust–in others, in ourselves, in a power bigger that all of us. And children can teach us about that trust! They trust us from the get-go, following our every move, watching us for signs of what is right and wrong, how to behave in certain situations, when to laugh, when to cry. Hopefully, we live up to the trust and offer our best selves as their role models. Hopefully, too, we learn to trust them to find their own inner wisdom and to use it.

LOVE
Ultimately, however, what matters most is love. Our children help us to witness and experience unconditional love. Even through the challenging, careless, risky, crazy things kids do, we still love them. I see this as divine intervention–our blessed children leading us on the path to a meaningful, righteous, sacred life.

With love and gratitude in my heart,

Dr. Kathy