Part 1 of 5—Creating A Stronger Parent-Child Relationship

November 17, 2009 by

Why Is Connection With Your Child So Important?

Now that school is underway, I feel like my kids and I are “ships passing in the night”— we’re not talking about what is really going on. And we’re all so busy. Asking “How was school today?” is not creating the interactions I long for.

Discussion
There is so much to do when we have a family. How can we do it all? What is the most important area to focus our energy on? Being a pediatrician, I love to look at research. One study* I found incredibly powerful and convincing says the best investment for me to insure a healthy outcome for my children is to focus my energy on my relationship with them and be close to them. My friend, Marta Mellinger, founder of The Canoe Group and the mother of two girls, shares the details of this study:

  • It was undertaken by the Adolescent Health Program at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Thirteen names are listed as co-authors, indicating the breadth of the collaboration.
  • The objective of the research? “To identify risk and protective factors at the family, school, and individual levels as they relate to four domains in adolescent health and morbidity: emotional health, violence, substance abuse and sexuality.”
  • Over 12,000 adolescents in grades 7 through 12 were drawn from an initial national school survey of over 19,000 around the country. Eight behaviors were considered: emotional distress, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, violence, use of cigarette, alcohol, and/or marijuana, age of sexual debut, and pregnancy history.
  • The study concentrated on identifying factors within the home and at school that help children avoid risky behavior. What does the study reveal?
    • First and foremost, the single most important factor in helping children move safely through the teenage years is how close they feel to Mom and/or Dad. “Close” is defined as children perceiving they are loved, wanted and cared for by the way their parents treat them.
    • Secondly, children are supported most at school by feeling that teachers treat them fairly and that they are “connected” at school and feel a part of the school and its activities. The study says the most important influence is that feeling of connectedness.
  • The study reinforces for professionals–counselors, teachers, educational administrators, and health professionals–what parents know intuitively. It asks all professionals to focus more attention on the relationships being built, and to help build them. And, it reinforces for parents that the absolute core of parenting adolescents is that we must take the emotional risk to stay connected.

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If I knew then what I know now, I would have . . .
Focused more of my daily energy on connecting with my child, and less on the logistics of soccer practice, homework, bedtime … and afterwards, I would have relaxed.
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*“Protecting Adolescents from Harm,” JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, 278 (10):823-32, 1997.Sep 10

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

Kathy Masarie, MD
Pediatrician, Parent, and Life Coach
Author of Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons

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