SUPPORT vs. RESCUE
Melissa called, “Mom, I forgot the necklace to go with my outfit and it is so important. I am trying out for a play today. Can you please, please drop it off?” It was getting harder and harder for Joan to find ways to connect with her eighth-grade daughter. She found herself driving to school with the necklace, even though a part of her said she shouldn’t–especially with the long list of things she wanted to do that day.
Discussion:
When we step in and emergently help others out of a situation they have created for themselves, it is called a “rescue.” We all find ourselves in situations where we want to be rescued now and then. When we depend on being rescued by others regularly, we forget to depend on ourselves. What parents can do is: recognize when they are rescuing, name it, put some boundaries around it, and move toward supporting their kids.
- Recognize means you pause before you answer your kids’ requests. Ask, “Is this a rescue or support?”
- Naming it means you say to your child, “Is this a rescue you are asking me to do?”
- Putting boundaries around it means you decide ahead of time what you are willing to do. Say, “I will help you with your school project until the last 24 hours it is due.”
- Supporting your kids means asking them open-ended, coaching questions to help them think through the problem at hand:
- Ask, “What support would you like from me?”
- Remember there are six billion other people on the planet who are available to support your children also. Sometimes brainstorming who else would be supportive is incredibly powerful. It helps kids be more resourceful and get clear on exactly what information and support they are looking for. And it frees up your time to get back to that long list.
This new system can break the pattern in your kids–“Whenever there’s a problem, I’ll ask Mom or Dad to take care of it.” It moves your children toward, “I have a problem. What am I going to do about it and what help do I need?”
Since I have been exploring this series I realize I STILL rescue my 26-year-old daughter, even when she doesn’t ask. She loves being independent and competent and I want to foster that resiliency in every way I can.
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would recognize the difference between rescuing and supporting my kids. Rescuing gets the job done fast but takes away from my kids’ opportunity to learn to support themselves.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
