WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KIDS GO OUT ON THEIR OWN?
With only one kid left at home, Jeff was looking forward to having a little more time to do what he enjoyed. He was surprised with the multiple phone calls he received from his 19-year-old daughter in college. If she wasn’t asking for help with homework, she was telling him of her constant anxiety about nearly everything … and requesting more money. Always more money.
Discussion:
What is the saddest outcome of helicopter parenting is how much it can hurt our kids. When these kids go out in the world, some can’t handle even the simplest situations, like balancing a checkbook. Here are a few “helicoptering” examples:
- One parent called the school, demanding that they go to the bank with his daughter because she was bouncing checks.
- One dad continued to call his 20-year-old son every day to make sure he got out of bed to go to his college classes.
- One mom flew from Salt Lake City to Harvard to protest her child’s biology grade.
- Another parent demanded that the college fix the indoor plumbing problem his child was experiencing while doing a semester abroad in China.
Bottom-line, some parents just go too far. Wikipedia has a name for this group—“Black Hawk Parents.” The term was coined to describe those parents who crossed the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior, such as writing their child’s college admission essays. College deans even have names for over-parented freshman: “Crispies” (who arrive already burned out) and “Teacups” (who fall apart at the slightest stress).
And the overzealousness doesn’t stop at graduation. It’s even spread to the workplace with parents wanting to accompany their kids to job interviews and negotiate salaries for them. Some companies, like many colleges, have actually hired extra staff to deal with helicopter parents.
Eventually parents can get so exhausted they just quit and drop the ball. One young adult said: “I am the adult child of helicopter parents. Believe me, life is no picnic. They have spoonfed me everything my whole life, but they are finally tired of it and now I am supposed to figure things out on my own and make a life for myself. I honestly can’t. I don’t have any real life skills and abilities to even pretend to be a capable adult … helicoptering is very damaging to development. Don’t do it.”
How can a 22-year-old who can’t address setbacks, disappointments, goals and progress at the university level, adjust to a complex job situation and an independent adult life?
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have mummed the advice-giving when my kids called from college and instead just listened to their solution ideas.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
