TIPS FOR PARENTS TO EMPOWER THEIR KIDS
Joe and Mary finally got away for a weekend. They were happy to get a break from their middle-schooler and teenager. As they recapped their parenting experiences, they realized they were doing a lot of monitoring and rescuing. They wanted to do things differently in order for the kids to become more independent and to have more energy and ease for themselves. Lots more ease.
Discussion:
We often find the very involved, helicoptering parenting style that worked so well when our kids were little isn’t working anymore. Parents of teenagers often cannot control their teen, don’t know what to do, and are exhausted from constantly fighting. They tend to just back off and stop trying. But teens who were over-controlled as youngsters have no internal controls and, when “let loose,” can get into big trouble with drinking, smoking, taking drugs, and promiscuity.
I believe nearly ALL parents helicopter at times—but you can change your style anytime. Awareness is the first step. Here are some ideas to get you started on letting go and empowering your kids:
- Think long-term. The most important lessons a child can learn from his/her childhood are:
- My life is the result of my choices.
- If I don’t like how it is going, I can change what I do or what I want or both.
- I am resilient and capable of making my life work for me.
- Allow every opportunity for your child to practice making his/her own decisions. Think of yourself as a life coach who provides structure and gives suggestions. However, your child needs to “step up to the plate.” It may take time.
- Ask yourself daily—“Is what I am about to say or do going to lead to my child becoming independent and competent?”
- Start small when they are young and gradually give them more responsibility as they grow.
- Allow boredom. Creativity is born out of openness to explore; invent something to do out of nothing.
- Free play is important for problem-solving. Schedule it in.
- Allow kids to make mistakes. The earlier you start letting them make decisions, the smaller the consequences of those decisions. Your child can learn—
- I am OK if I make mistakes.
- I can “make it right” when I make a mistake.
- Offer support rather than rescue. Ask curiosity questions to help them process or think through a situation. Ask your child, “What are you going to do to solve this problem?”
- Model what you want to see in your child: listen, take responsibility for actions and mistakes, and display effective conflict skills. Let go of perfectionism. Above all, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and there are a million ways to be a good parent.
- The bottom line comes from Jane Nelsen, the author of many wonderful books on Positive Discipline, “Never do for your children what they can do for themselves.”
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would not do for my kids what they could have done for themselves.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
