HELICOPTERING AND SCHOOL
Dave’s son is now in high school and is still not really applying himself. Dave wonders, “Do I just sit back and let him fail? Grades are so important for getting into college.”
Discussion:
There is no arena that matters more to us than our child’s education. It is here where we tend to helicopter the most. We feel strong pressure to get our kids into the right pre-school, the right elementary school, the right high school, the right college—all geared toward the right end result: A great job. The competition to get into great schools and then top jobs is fierce for this millennial generation. Plus, we are driven even more since we are paying so much money for our kids to go to college. Wanting to protect our investment is certainly a fair consideration.
Regarding “to helicopter or NOT to helicopter,” there’s no question that it’s more challenging to draw boundaries. It is important for our children to get an education and to value learning. Whereas many of the solutions in previous blogposts in this series involve “backing-off,” it is important to stay involved with your child’s education. The Harvard Family Research Project found that teens whose parents play an active role do better in school and are more likely to enroll in college. Many other studies support this premise.
Here are some tips to become more involved in your child’s education:
- First off, an over-involved parent is better than one who has “checked out.” Teachers and counselors can be helpful at letting you know when you are helping too much.
- Communicate regularly with teachers. Know and understand the milieu of your child’s school.
- Volunteer on projects the teachers and school need in ways that don’t stress you out.
- Connect and communicate with your child. When your kid complains about an unfair grade, get curious about your child’s perceptions behind it rather than storm the school. Maybe it is all about needing to vent or needing more organizational skills to complete big projects.
- Model and share your value of a life-long love of learning. This has never been more important than it is today. Fifty years ago we could learn one skill and do it our whole life. Now, people change jobs every five years on average. Imagine how valuable flexibility, adaptive skills, and on-going learning will be for our children to bring to the workplace.
- Provide space and time for your children to do homework. Slowly start backing off monitoring their homework in 3rd grade and start letting logical consequences happen when a project is not done on time. Some kids need to fail to get their internal compass going. (See the November blog on “Supporting Your Children to Succeed in School.”)
- Find a good school fit for your child’s learning style and personality. This is especially true in the high school years. Today, there are many choices in addition to your local public or private school options. Consider alternative schools, home-schooling, and community colleges set up to provide high school credit. Be open-minded.
- Get help if there are learning struggles. Most kids could benefit from tutoring on organizational skills.
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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused more on love-of-learning and less on homework and grades.
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Hi! I’m Dr. Kathy. Welcome to my website! Although Family Empowerment Network is formally closed, we want to keep these resources available to you. Our belief is that parents are the most wise and intuitive about what is best for their children. However, parents sometimes need the support of effective, timeless, compassionate parenting information and strategies. On this website you will find our three parenting books on boys, girls, and kids’ social lives and ten years of monthly newsletter articles. In addition, a powerful, under-recognized resource is the support of other parents. Here you will find how to use our books as discussion guides for monthly self-led parenting groups. One last resource: I am still available to give talks and workshops.
