Winter is a natural time of year to focus on connection. In snuggling together in our homes, trying to stave off the cold, slushy weather outside, we can nurture our connections with each other and become re-energized. Isn’t that a great image? Snuggling, secure, warm, connected, at ease, and relaxed? Isn’t this what we crave? Isn’t this what our bodies and spirits need?

We do experience fleeting moments of connection when our “battery recharges,” and we cherish those moments deeply. The reality is, however, that we don’t seem to experience those moments as often or for as long we would like or even need. Shouldn’t taking the time to relax and connect with each other be a priority of our life rhythm?

Unfortunately, what I see as a life coach is that, rather than conserving energy and focusing on peace, ease, and connection, family life never seems to slow down: School projects take over the family dining table, sports teams’ practices gear up in anticipation of spring season, we eat in our cars on the way to dance and gymnastics, and everyone goes to bed later and later because there is always so much to do. The truth of the matter is: Slowing down enough to put closeness and strong ties into your days today can lead to smoother sailing over the next few months–when the spring season of action, growth, and school deadlines arrives.

So, what does my title, “Connection: It Starts with Respect,” have to do with all this? Bottom line is: Respect for ourselves, our partners, and our kids provides the impetus for us to slow down enough and take the time to make connection a priority for each person in the family.

Respect is a bit of a dicey word in our culture today. Many parents feel they are not getting enough of it from their kids. Most tweens and teens feel they are not getting enough of it from the adults in their lives: parents, teachers, coaches, salespeople in stores, etc. My teenagers used to ask me to shop with them, because of the lack of respect and trust they felt from the salespeople.

Another side of this is that both adults and tweens/teens get hung up with, “They don’t deserve my respect.” In truth, the word deserve does not appear in the Webster definition of respect: “high or special regard or to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody.” Listening to and connecting with someone you don’t have respect for is challenging. Think about it. When you are with an adult you don’t respect, how attentive are you to what she has to say? How much time do you want to spend with him?

Now think about your children. Do you really respect them with “special or high regard?” Do you find yourself sometimes dis-regarding or dismissing what they have to say, because . . . they are too young, you know better, they are saying ____ to manipulate me or get their way. How well can one really listen and connect if respect is missing?

Our book this month, Respectful Parents, Respectful Children, reminds us that respect starts with us: parents. When we treat our children with respect, we model respect and we listen. We listen for what they really value and long for. When we listen like this, our children feel heard.

How do you begin to practice this powerful lesson?

1. Start by saying, “I respect you for . . . ” to your child more often. (This is the first step I focus on in my “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” class that starts this month.) The way this works is that you take a few minutes to write down the qualities you respect and admire in your child. Then, be on the alert for real-life opportunities when your child manifests those qualities. When the opportunities arise (and they will), say, “I respect (admire) you for . . . (insert quality). An example is: “I really respect how hard you studied for the math test.”

2. Listen for the underlying value or need driving your child’s behavior or request. (This step will be covered in our upcoming “Compassionate Communication” class.) Ask yourself, for example, when your child is having a temper tantrum, does she have a need for sleep, food, rest, attention? If your child is not keeping his or her room clean, does he have a need for creativity, independence, choice? Sometimes, all you can do is guess, but calling attention to the value/need helps us to figure out what makes our kids tick rather than just focusing on the behavior and how to squelch it. Once our kids get connected to their own values/needs and realize we are really trying to understand them, then they are in a better place to listen to our values and needs. Just giving your kids what they need is not what this is about. Rather, helping them to discover their underlying needs so they (sometimes with your help) can come up with effective ways to get their needs met while considering your needs is a win-win for both of you.

If you are an information junkie like me, check out the following links for more information on this complicated but powerful topic:

• Here is how respect can look in your life: from Parent as Coach, the book we use in “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” classes.
• If you like to learn by reading, check out “Peaceful Parenting”, an article that authors Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson gave us permission to use in our books, Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons. The article will give you a detailed overview of how seamlessly this approach can bring peace into your family.
• If you learn by seeing, check out my video introduction to Compassionate Communication.
• And, if you learn by doing, come join our free introduction to Compassionate Communication scheduled for Monday evening, February 4—and bring a friend or learning buddy.

I challenge you to use this wonderful winter season to brush up on your parenting skills by focusing on respect and learning the invaluable tool of Compassionate Communication.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy