LESS IS MORE

Julie raised her kids with a “village” of other families who hung out together all the time.  She noticed that the most well-adjusted young adults, now age 25-30, are those kids whose mothers did the least for them growing up.

Discussion:
There is actually a whole movement that is surging forward to counter overprotective helicoptering.  It goes by several names:  slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting.  If you really want your child to become his or her most actualized self—who they were truly meant to be—we parents have to get out of the way.  Imagine that the best gift we could give our kids is to do less for them.  That would give us more time to spend on what matters most: connecting with our kids and, in the process, enjoying our parenting more.

Here are some tips from Kim John Payne, co-author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Children:

• Declutter the environment—keep a few toys and books and put the rest away.  Periodically cycle stored toys back through.
• Schedule routines—ideally have one-third downtime, one-third creative time, and one-third busy/scheduled time.
• Encourage boredom—it fosters resourcefulness and creativity in kids
• Have quiet moments—keep adult conversation and problems to yourself.  Young kids less than nine can’t process long conversations and don’t really understand their own emotions enough to explain them.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have been comfortable with doing less for my kids, knowing that it was actually giving them more.
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Helicopter Parenting Resources:

HELICOPTERING AND SCHOOL

Dave’s son is now in high school and is still not really applying himself.  Dave wonders, “Do I just sit back and let him fail?  Grades are so important for getting into college.”

Discussion:
There is no arena that matters more to us than our child’s education.  It is here where we tend to helicopter the most.  We feel strong pressure to get our kids into the right pre-school, the right elementary school, the right high school, the right college—all geared toward the right end result:  A great job.  The competition to get into great schools and then top jobs is fierce for this millennial generation.  Plus, we are driven even more since we are paying so much money for our kids to go to college. Wanting to protect our investment is certainly a fair consideration.

Regarding “to helicopter or NOT to helicopter,” there’s no question that it’s more challenging to draw boundaries.  It is important for our children to get an education and to value learning.  Whereas many of the solutions in previous blogposts in this series involve “backing-off,” it is important to stay involved with your child’s education.  The Harvard Family Research Project found that teens whose parents play an active role do better in school and are more likely to enroll in college.  Many other studies support this premise. 

Here are some tips to become more involved in your child’s education:

• First off, an over-involved parent is better than one who has “checked out.”  Teachers and counselors can be helpful at letting you know when you are helping too much.
• Communicate regularly with teachers.  Know and understand the milieu of your child’s school.
• Volunteer on projects the teachers and school need in ways that don’t stress you out.
• Connect and communicate with your child. When your kid complains about an unfair grade, get curious about your child’s perceptions behind it rather than storm the school. Maybe it is all about needing to vent or needing more organizational skills to complete big projects.
• Model and share your value of a life-long love of learning.  This has never been more important than it is today.  Fifty years ago we could learn one skill and do it our whole life. Now, people change jobs every five years on average.  Imagine how valuable flexibility, adaptive skills, and on-going learning will be for our children to bring to the workplace.
• Provide space and time for your children to do homework.  Slowly start backing off monitoring their homework in 3rd grade and start letting logical consequences happen when a project is not done on time.  Some kids need to fail to get their internal compass going.  (See the November blog on “Supporting Your Children to Succeed in School.”)
• Find a good school fit for your child’s learning style and personality.  This is especially true in the high school years.  Today, there are many choices in addition to your local public or private school options. Consider alternative schools, home-schooling, and community colleges set up to provide high school credit.  Be open-minded.
• Get help if there are learning struggles.  Most kids could benefit from tutoring on organizational skills.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused more on love-of-learning and less on homework and grades.
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TIPS FOR PARENTS TO EMPOWER THEIR KIDS

Joe and Mary finally got away for a weekend.  They were happy to get a break from their middle-schooler and teenager.  As they recapped their parenting experiences, they realized they were doing a lot of monitoring and rescuing.  They wanted to do things differently in order for the kids to become more independent and to have more energy and ease  for themselves.  Lots more ease.

Discussion:
We often find the very involved, helicoptering parenting style that worked so well when our kids were little  isn’t working anymore.  Parents of teenagers often cannot control their teen, don’t know what to do, and are exhausted from constantly fighting.  They tend to just back off and stop trying.  But teens who were over-controlled as youngsters have no internal controls and, when “let loose,” can get into big trouble with drinking, smoking, taking drugs, and promiscuity.

I believe nearly ALL parents helicopter at times—but you can change your style anytime.  Awareness is the first step.  Here are some ideas to get you started on letting go and empowering your kids:

• Think long-term. The most important lessons a child can learn from his/her childhood are:
  • My life is the result of my choices.
  • If I don’t like how it is going, I can change what I do or what I want or both.
  • I am resilient and capable of making my life work for me.
• Allow every opportunity for your child to practice making his/her own decisions.  Think of yourself as a life coach who provides structure and gives suggestions.  However, your child needs to “step up to the plate.”  It may take time.
  • Ask yourself daily—“Is what I am about to say or do going to lead to my child becoming independent and competent?”
  • Start small when they are young and gradually give them more responsibility as they grow.
  • Allow boredom.  Creativity is born out of openness to explore; invent something to do out of nothing.
  • Free play is important for problem-solving.  Schedule it in.
• Allow kids to make mistakes.  The earlier you start letting them make decisions, the smaller the consequences of those decisions.  Your child can learn—
  • I am OK if I make mistakes.
  • I can “make it right” when I make a mistake.
• Offer support rather than rescue. Ask curiosity questions to help them process or think through a situation.  Ask your child, “What are you going to do to solve this problem?”
• Model what you want to see in your child: listen, take responsibility for actions and mistakes, and display effective conflict skills.  Let go of perfectionism.  Above all, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and there are a million ways to be a good parent.
• The bottom line comes from Jane Nelsen, the author of many wonderful books on Positive Discipline, “Never do for your children what they can do for themselves.”

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would not do for my kids what they could have done for themselves.
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WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KIDS GO OUT ON THEIR OWN?

With only one kid left at home, Jeff was looking forward to having a little more time to do what he enjoyed.  He was surprised with the multiple phone calls he received from his 19-year-old daughter in college.  If she wasn’t asking for help with homework, she was telling him of her constant anxiety about nearly everything … and requesting more money.  Always more money.

Discussion:
What is the saddest outcome of helicopter parenting is how much it can hurt our kids.  When these kids go out in the world, some can’t handle even the simplest situations, like balancing a checkbook.  Here are a few “helicoptering” examples:

• One parent called the school, demanding that they go to the bank with his daughter because she was bouncing checks.
• One dad continued to call his 20-year-old son every day to make sure he got out of bed to go to his college classes.
• One mom flew from Salt Lake City to Harvard to protest her child’s biology grade.
• Another parent demanded that the college fix the indoor plumbing problem his child was experiencing while doing a semester abroad in China.

Bottom-line, some parents just go too far. Wikipedia has a name for this group—“Black Hawk Parents.” The term was coined to describe those parents who crossed the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior, such as writing their child’s college admission essays. College deans even have names for over-parented freshman: “Crispies” (who arrive already burned out) and “Teacups” (who fall apart at the slightest stress).

And the overzealousness doesn’t stop at graduation. It’s even spread to the workplace with parents wanting to accompany their kids to job interviews and negotiate salaries for them. Some companies, like many colleges, have actually hired extra staff to deal with helicopter parents.

Eventually parents can get so exhausted they just quit and drop the ball.  One young adult said: “I am the adult child of helicopter parents. Believe me, life is no picnic.  They have spoonfed me everything my whole life, but they are finally tired of it and now I am supposed to figure things out on my own and make a life for myself.  I honestly can’t.  I don’t have any real life skills and abilities to even pretend to be a capable adult … helicoptering is very damaging to development.  Don’t do it.”

How can a 22-year-old who can’t address setbacks, disappointments, goals and progress at the university level, adjust to a complex job situation and an independent adult life?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have mummed the advice-giving when my kids called from college and instead just listened to their solution ideas.
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