Greater Community Village: Actions are more powerful than words when caring about kids

“Julie was looking for meaningful summer opportunities for her two middle school kids who felt they had outgrown summer camps and were too young for jobs. She was grateful to find opportunities at the Youth Volunteer Corp they were excited about doing. “

Discussion:

What does a city that shows it cares about kids look like, a place where kids feel valued? The county commission could take on a social marketing project sharing the 40 Developmental Assets message, like “Take the Time” in Portland. The local newspaper could dedicate a weekly column to spreading the word. Local businesses could get connected with schools and develop assets in a variety of ways from encouraging employees to volunteer in the school, to developing school-to-work programs, to hosting “Take Your Kid To Work Day” events. Any organizations that work with kids and families could have teen advisory boards, where kids tell adults what is REALLY going on and how adults can be helpful. There would be an advocacy organization, like Stand for Children that advocates for family-friendly legislation.

In this city, there would be a myriad of volunteer opportunities. Volunteering is one of the most powerful ways to empower your child. Just look at the many Developmental Assets you can build with this one activity:

• Learning the community values them
• Developing relationships with adults
• Developing a sense of purpose
• Allowing them to be valuable resources
• Service to others
• Bringing adult role models into their lives
• Positive peer influence—having friends who set good examples
• Developing a sense of caring, empathy, and sensitivity

A couple ways to help your kid have fun volunteering is to have them do it with a friend and pick an activity that is a good fit, like washing cats at the Humane Society if you are an animal lover. Talk to them about how they will gain skills and perhaps a letter of recommendation that will help them to get a better job than flipping burgers when they are older. Now is a good time to start checking out opportunities in your community. In Portland, we have Hands on Portland. Other communities have a Youth Volunteer Corp. What volunteer opportunities do you have going in your community?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have advocated for encouraging kids to volunteer through high school.
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What was your biggest take-away?
What action step do you plan to take?
What additional questions do you have about this topic?

Extracurricular activities can be fun and connecting for your kids.

“There are so many activities to get involved in: sports, art, music, dance, and language. With busy jobs, Julie and Hank wanted to know the benefits of each activity to help them choose the best fit for each of their four kids.”

Discussion:
Almost all parents can relate to the “carpool years” driving our kids from one activity to another after school and on the weekends. Much of our communication with our kids is about logistics: “When is your next game? When can we go shopping for new ballet shoes? Did you practice today? Mom, I can’t find my …..? Are you ready? LET’S GO NOW OR WE’LL BE LATE.

The question on all of our minds as we race around is what are the key ingredients to consider while choosing which activities will best fit your kid. Here are some ideas:

• Find places where your child can be himself or herself. All of us long to be with people who accept us for who we are, to have a comfortable place where we can be authentic, where we can learn to love ourselves unconditionally. In my opinion, finding a “sense of belonging” and connection are the most important ingredients of any activity your child gets involved in.
• Explore passion with your kid. Nothing is sweeter for anyone than getting lost in an activity that you just love. When you see enthusiasm in your child, support him by finding our how important that interest is to him. Ask if she is interested in joining a class.
• Support groups with same age peers where everyone discusses real, everyday issues with an experienced facilitator can be incredible. It helps kids with understanding oneself and others, discovering self-acceptance and self-love, learning new strategies for conflict resolution, and providing a way to explore topics that might not come up otherwise. Girls Circle, , Girls Inc., Boys Council, and BAM all have excellent curriculum to guide facilitators.
• Exercise and sports activities are vital for a life-long, life-saving habits of a healthy body. Some research shows that for girls anyway, getting exposed to exercise before the age of ten markedly increases the chance of becoming a life-long exerciser. We give so much attention in the US to traditional sports, and forget that running, yoga, dance, kick-boxing, or Tae Kwon Do can all be of equal, if not more, value for sustainability than many traditional sports. It is critical that coaches are trained and encouraged to value fun, fairness, learning, and good sportsmanship over winning, Kids number one reason for quitting sports: “It is not fun anymore.”
• Creative activities, such as art and music, extend into more creative, right- brained thinking that is becoming more and more valued in our workplaces today. Art is a unique, personal, and important form of self-expression. It can teach kids that there are many solutions to any problem and that practicing and diligence pays off.
• Remember adult-child activities too like mother-daughter groups, book or movie clubs, or parent-child “this is what I like to do” club. The big advantage of this safe haven is that you get to be there, doing what you like to do too.
• A parent can start and run these groups. Coaching, Scouts , Y-Indian Guides and Campfire are set up this way. Parent-led after-school clubs are especially helpful in middle and high-school where it is important for parents to stay connected to the school but find it hard to do meaningful volunteering. In my kids’ middle- school, I started a girls’ science club, girls’ sport club, and a pottery club and in high- school, a teen advisory board. The advantage to me was that I got to see first-hand, how other kids acted. I got connected to them at a deep level that was wonderful as they got older. Plus I felt so alive just seeing them loving doing fun things together.

Important for all of us to remember is expand our communication beyond logistics. Be curious about our child’s experience and interpretation of these activities groups. Discussions over how it felt to miss that key basketball shot, if they felt nervous at the piano performance, or what they thought about a new dance move they were asked to learn, can be an incredible way to deepen your connection with your child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have encouraged my kids to do more creative activities rather than have such a focus on sports.
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What passions or activities did you do growing up that made a difference?
What activities are most meaningful for your children?

Congregations have inter-generational opportunities built in.

“When seven-year–old Kate asked her mom if the family could join a congregation, like all her friends, her mom knew it was time to find a spiritual home. She is glad she did, as the power of deep connections her kids found in the youth group, family camp, and intergenerational activities were life-changing for the whole family.”

Discussion:
This story is actually mine. We found a wonderful home in our small congregation of 180 families. It was great because everything anyone volunteered to do made a big difference and it was easy to contribute. Congregations are one of the best place for intergenerational activities. Some of the activities we did were:

• Secret Buddy: every kid who wanted to was paired up with an adult secret buddy for a month. They exchanged little gifts, cards over the month and then had a celebration where everyone found out who their secret buddy was.
• Everyone Birthday Party:we all divided up in groups by month of our birthday and sometimes even met other people born on our same day of the month. The group talked about what we liked about our birthday month and common interests. Then all the groups ate cake together. It was a blast!
• Intergenerational Dances: where the members were the band, and we rock-and-rolled with kids running around us. There was plenty of goodies and energy to last all night. We played music to appeal to all generations.
• Pancake breakfasts and Group Soup: every month we all had a couple meals together.
• Coming of Age program for a 13-14 year-olds, with a Wizard of Oz retreat to kick it off, values of our religious organization, and a Wilderness retreat. For the mentor program, an adult volunteer was matched with a mentee for the 6 month program and did service-learning, fun activities, and exploring insightful questions. This pair become very close.
• Family Camp at Seabeck: this was the very best, where my children got to experience freedom like I had in my childhood. Families with kids of all ages hang out together on 20 acres for a week. The kids run free together all day. This was the best for teens who all accepted for who they are.

This truly is a place where children can say “I feel cared for and valued by my congregational village.”

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have spread the value of coming of age programs to everyone.
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What was your biggest take-away?
Let me know if you have any questions?

A caring neighborhood can provide community and a safety net.

“When Mary Pipher was a little girls she picked lilacs from Mr. Green’s yard. He caught her and called her dad. Her dad asked her to apologize to Mr. Green. Everywhere she went for the next few weeks, people would say, “I heard you stole lilacs from Mr. Green’s yard. Mary never stole anything again the rest of her life. Now here is story #2, kids steal flowers from Mr. Brown’s yard. He comes out and yells at the kids but he doesn’t know who they. The kids cuss back and run off laughing. Mr. Brown hates kids and the kids hate him. He never votes “yes” for a school bond from then on. em>

Discussion:
In Mary Pipher’s day people knew their neighbors and they watched out for each other. People sometimes lived their whole lives in the house they were born. They certainly didn’t move every 3-5 years, like today. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of us could say, “I feel safe, cared for, and connected in my neighborhood.” In Mary Pipher’s neighborhood, they had:

• community: where people cared and helped each other in hard times.
• zone of safety where kids could freely play and walk to the Five and Dime.
• connection where there was always someone sitting on their front porch waiting for a chat.

There was the problem of getting one’s nose in other people’s business, but the benefits far outweighed the negatives.

The second story is a problem complicated by not knowing a name. If Mr. Brown lived in a connected neighborhood, he would have known the names of the kids and been able to tell the parents. The kids would have learned accountability and respect for other people’s property. Instead nothing was learned except maybe, “vandalism is fun.”

There are literally hundreds of ways to build community in your neighborhood: street parties and potluck meals regularly where everyone hangs out while the kids play. Having an open attitude of borrowing sugar, eggs, and the lawnmower or sharing emails with any neighborhood thefts or the latest on city policies that affect your neighborhood can be connecting.

In our neighborhood, we created a wonderful event around May Day, that really cements our commitment to each other. It involves

• Updating the Neighborhood Roster, including current emails and cell phones for emergencies.
• Creating a Photo Collages of all the kids in the neighborhood, with their grade and school. Then everyone can identify the kids of the neighborhood and know where they live. The elderly neighbors particularly love this information. They can reach out to the kids easier and are more comfortable with them, The kids in turn feel safer and more willing to go to these neighbors if they are afraid or need help.
• Inviting all the neighbor kids over on May Day to eat snacks while they build May Day Baskets made of paper cones filled with of flowers. Then they deliver the baskets on each neighbor’s doorstep along with a rolled up roster/photo collage.
• Everyone attending the annual Spring Potluck to get reunited as we are more outdoors for summer/fall.

What do you do in your neighborhood to build connection and closeness?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had been friendlier to the neighbor kids to be sure they felt safe to come to me if they needed to.
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