Fostering safe havens at school

“Mary volunteered regularly in the classroom all through grade school where she was able to be helpful and connected to the teachers, classmates and school climate. Now that both her kids are in middle school, the teachers don’t have activities for her to be helpful in classroom so she feels disconnected and can’t assess how her kids are doing as well.”

It was so fun to hang out in the school when my kids were there. For me there is no group of people living more fully than children. They live in the present moment and are so alive it is infectious. Plus of course, I got to see my kids in their school environment and get to know the other kids in the classroom and the school staff to boot. So figuring out ways to expand kids learning and have fun too was always a priority. I was always on the look-out for ideas to bring in. Here are some after-school activities I did in my kids school, even when my kids weren’t in them.

• Baseball club in grade school: I was so discouraged by the amount of time a family gives up to baseball and I wanted to bring back the ease and love of the game I had growing up playing pick-up football every fall and pick-up baseball every spring and summer. Parents bought hats and snacks. We meet weekly and played a round robin game with 8-9 kids.
• Girls Science Club: In middle school, I felt so useless in the classroom. When I found the AWSEM curriculum at the Saturday Academy in Portland, it was a way to share my love of science with girls. We met weekly doing science experiments, like collecting germs in the boy’s bathroom and drinking fountain and growing them on a culture, making GAK and Oobleck, and building and firing rocket ships. We also visited businesses where women mentored the girls and shared a hands-on-activity with them. This was so fun I did it over the four years my two kids were in middle school.
• Girls Sports Club: I was discouraged by the drop out in physical activity by many kids, especially girls, by age 10. Why? Parental involvement in sports has brought in seriousness, fierceness, and winning at all cost. Kids just want to have fun. So I wanted to bring in fun, life-long, physical activity back. We choose: self-defense, yoga, kick-boxing, and Tai Chi. The girls had a blast.
• Pottery Club: I wanted to involve the boys, so I came up with the idea of a pottery club. It worked. A few boys came to the first session and created some fantastic little sculptures. But they didn’t come back. I realize now I needed to make it more boy friendly by calling it Mud Club and having each session end by throwing a wad of clay at a target on the wall. That would have kept the boys there.

There are an infinite variety of things you could do with kids. Just think about what you and your kids like to do. Think of what would provide a safe, inclusive feeling for kids and talk to the school about it. Other “safe havens” ideas for school

• Lunch fun room: help create a safe space for kids who don’t feel comfortable on the playground or in the library. It could have a foosball table, board games, puzzles …
• Girls and Boys Night Out: great for breaking down cliques and building new friendships, like all the girls in 6th grade spend the night at the school, with teen mentors, friendship discussions, and FUN. Dads run the boys’ event.
• Girls/ Boys Support Groups: kids who are marginalized or frequently in conflict with others can benefit tremendously with facilitated discussions with their peers. An excellent source is www.girlscircle.com and www.boyscouncil.com for resource guides and for training. School counselors are excellent at running these and selecting the kids. PTA can pay for it. It can markedly reduce bullying, as well as empowering each kid.
• Running Club: a PE teacher offered this during recess at school. The kids had a big graph hung conspicuously that they posted their progress on. It ended by running together in the Starlight Parade Run in June.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have encouraged the formation of clubs during lunch recess, a tough time for excluded kids.
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Finding a caring school environment.

“Mary volunteered regularly in the classroom all through grade school where she was able to be helpful and connected to the teachers, classmates and school climate. Now that both her kids are in middle school, the teachers don’t have activities for her to be helpful in classroom so she feels disconnected and can’t assess how her kids are doing as well.”

Discussion:
When you think about your school experience growing up, what would you say were the most important take-aways? Having a teacher that really believed in you, getting involved in an extra-curricular activity that made your heart sing, a time you really had good friends, and eventually when you developed a love of learning? Now think about what your parents focused on: homework, homework and homework and were you “good” (as in obedient; not hearing from the principal).

Now let’s look at what the research shows about school and long-term, well-being of our kids. First the JAMA study from the blog on February 5 shows that a “caring school climate” is number two in importance for our teens avoiding risky behaviors (after being connected to your parents). Another resource is what Developmental Assets are important. I was impressed with the variety and sheer number of ways school is important.

…………………………..DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS…………………………

SUPPORT

• Caring school climate – School provides a caring, encouraging environment.
• Parent involvement in schooling – Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

EMPOWERMENT

• Community values youth – Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.
• Youth as resources – Young people are given useful roles in the community.
• Safety – Young person feels safe at home, school, and in the neighborhood.

CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS

• School boundaries – School provides clear rules and consequences.
• Adult role models – Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.
• Positive peer influence – Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.
• High expectations – Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

• Creative activities – Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.

COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

• Achievement motivation – Young person is motivated to do well in school.
• School engagement – Young person is actively engaged in learning.
• Homework – Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.
• Bonding to school – Young person cares about her or his school.
• Reading for Pleasure – Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

Finding a nurturing environment is clearly important. When a kid feels accepted, appreciated, and engaged with school activities, it makes sense that it is easier for them to then find learning fun and be committed to it. I know when I was growing up; the focus on homework and grades over my experience of learning and connection at school was backward in my opinion.

Most of these assets are present in a “school village” that cares about the whole kid and makes it fun to learn. What can we do to promote these qualities? In addition to the list below, is my 5 part blog series in November, 2009 on “Supporting School Success.”

Value learning and show it

• Know the teachers and communicate regularly. Let your kids know you talked.
• Support their child to be ready for school each day (sleep, meals, homework).
• Model learning in everyday life by reading, taking classes, going to seminars …
• Encourage a Parent-Resource Committee on the PTA whose function is to bring educational materials to parent by buying parent books for the parent section of the library and bringing speakers for an evening seminar or staff training.

Be involved: There are many ways parents can be involved with school activities

• Volunteer in the classroom.
• Be involved with PTA, even if you do activities from home, like baking or phone calls.
• Start an after-school club as an alternative to classroom volunteering.

Evaluate the goodness of fit of your child in their school: A caring school climate is so important; it is worth ongoing monitoring and adjusting,

• If a program you kid loves is cut, find a way to replace it or substitute it elsewhere.
• If there is fighting and bullying on the playground, work with the school on developing a program that addresses that.
• Stay connected with the teacher, counselor, principal, PTA and others involved in the school.
• Catch problems early.

Create Safe Havens: Creating safe spaces at school where our kids can be themselves is so important we are elaborating on it next week.

What are the “safe spaces” at school that you had growing up? Send them to us and we will include them on our list.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have sought learning environments that fit my kids rather than push my kids to fit in.
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Don’t forget about the “peer” village

“For the most part, Caroline used to be pleased with Sofie’s choice of friends. Now there is this girl, Molly, who she worried about. Molly dresses in all black, smells like cigarette smoke, and swears a lot when she doesn’t think adults are around. Sofie spends most of her free time with Molly. Caroline is worried some of Molly’s bad habits might be rubbing off on Sofie. “

Discussion:

Before we talk about the “peer” village, what do you think are the potential villages/communities that influence a family’s life? Some ideas we contemplated are:

• School Village
• Activities Village: sports, scouts, drama, music, arts
• Neighborhood Village
• Congregational Village
• Greater Community Village: city and government
• Peer Village

We will be talking about each of these, one at a time, for the next few weeks, starting with the “peer” village. Let us know about other influential groups you thought of.

Whether we like it or not, we all know the “peer village” is powerful. This is especially true for kids not connected at home. When kids don’t have a “family village” to unconditionally accept and love them, they will turn to peers to find it, even dangerous ones. Longing for a place to belong and be respected, these kids are easily brought into “unhealthy” groups, even gangs. Here they may receive kindness and special attention upon initiation, but soon find out that it was a false front. Even kids connected at home but who long to be cool and popular, may lose themselves to groups that lead to trouble.

So what is really important to see in our kids relationships? We can look to the Social Competencies list from 40 Developmental Assets for ideas:

• Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.
• Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.
• Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
• Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.
• Cultural competence: Young person is comfortable with people of different cultural, racial, and ethnic backgrounds.

Parents sometimes have a strong, negative opinion about a certain friend. They may ask or even demand that their kid stop hanging out with that friend. We all know that not only is it hard to enforce this rule when your kid is out of your sight most of the day, it might become a case of “moth to a flame” where your kid is even MORE attracted to this friend. Yikes!

So what can a parent do to foster the skills listed about in this village we probably have the least influence over, especially as our kids get older. Here is a list of ideas that you can control

• Let your child choose their friends- they will anyway.
• Get to know his/her friends. You might find out positive qualities that explain why your kid likes them. Or you might influence that friend in a powerfully, positive way.
• Consider a rule that any kid can come over to your house for an evening, but your kids are not allowed to go over to a home where you don’t know the family.
• Be the home where kids hang out, even if it means having junk food around.
• Find groups or safe havens for healthy, accepting friends where your kid can be their authentic selves. Nurture these groups early, when they are easier to find and your kid can grow into them. You might even start up a group- like a book, art, or an ultimate frisbee club. For me, one place I felt unconditionally accepted was in my youth group at church.
• Model being a good friend. When your kid sees you resolve conflicts peacefully and show empathy and kindness, they soak it up.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have invested more energy in being the home where kids liked to hang out, so I could get to know my kids’ friends well.
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