What Is Love?

March 9, 2010 by

Kids Know Best!

I love kids for their honesty, openness, and mostly for being their authentic selves.  Nothing shows that better than this story about kids’ answers about the meaning of love.  A group of professional people posed this question to 4- to 8-year-olds: “What does love mean?”  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.  See what you think. 

·     “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.  So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That’s love.”
Rebecca—age 8

·     “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy—age 4

·     “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy—age 6

·     “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl—age 5

·     “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri—age 4

·     “Love is when you kiss all the time.  Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.  My Mommy and Daddy are like that.”
Emily—age 8

·     “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle—age 7

·     “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy—age 6

·     “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.  I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that.  I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy—age 8

·     “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare—age 6

·     “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann—age 4

·     “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren—age 4

·     “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen—age 7

·     “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget.”
Jessica—age 8

·     And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.  The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.  The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Ask your sons and daughters, What Is Love?  Please share their answers with us.

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Part 9 of 12—Raising Our Sons and Daughters Takes a Village

March 5, 2010 by

Congregations have inter-generational opportunities built in.

“When seven-year–old Kate asked her mom if the family could join a congregation, like all her friends, her mom knew it was time to find a spiritual home. She is glad she did, as the power of deep connections her kids found in the youth group, family camp, and intergenerational activities were life-changing for the whole family.”

Discussion:
This story is actually mine. We found a wonderful home in our small congregation of 180 families. It was great because everything anyone volunteered to do made a big difference and it was easy to contribute. Congregations are one of the best place for intergenerational activities. Some of the activities we did were:

  • Secret Buddy: every kid who wanted to was paired up with an adult secret buddy for a month. They exchanged little gifts, cards over the month and then had a celebration where everyone found out who their secret buddy was.
  • Everyone Birthday Party:we all divided up in groups by month of our birthday and sometimes even met other people born on our same day of the month. The group talked about what we liked about our birthday month and common interests. Then all the groups ate cake together. It was a blast!
  • Intergenerational Dances: where the members were the band, and we rock-and-rolled with kids running around us. There was plenty of goodies and energy to last all night. We played music to appeal to all generations.
  • Pancake breakfasts and Group Soup: every month we all had a couple meals together.
  • Coming of Age program for a 13-14 year-olds, with a Wizard of Oz retreat to kick it off, values of our religious organization, and a Wilderness retreat. For the mentor program, an adult volunteer was matched with a mentee for the 6 month program and did service-learning, fun activities, and exploring insightful questions. This pair become very close.
  • Family Camp at Seabeck: this was the very best, where my children got to experience freedom like I had in my childhood. Families with kids of all ages hang out together on 20 acres for a week. The kids run free together all day. This was the best for teens who all accepted for who they are.

This truly is a place where children can say “I feel cared for and valued by my congregational village.”

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have spread the value of coming of age programs to everyone.
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What was your biggest take-away?
Let me know if you have any questions?

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Part 8 of 12—Raising Our Sons and Daughters Takes a Village

March 2, 2010 by

A caring neighborhood can provide community and a safety net.

“When Mary Pipher was a little girls she picked lilacs from Mr. Green’s yard. He caught her and called her dad. Her dad asked her to apologize to Mr. Green. Everywhere she went for the next few weeks, people would say, “I heard you stole lilacs from Mr. Green’s yard. Mary never stole anything again the rest of her life. Now here is story #2, kids steal flowers from Mr. Brown’s yard. He comes out and yells at the kids but he doesn’t know who they. The kids cuss back and run off laughing. Mr. Brown hates kids and the kids hate him. He never votes “yes” for a school bond from then on. em>

Discussion:
In Mary Pipher’s day people knew their neighbors and they watched out for each other. People sometimes lived their whole lives in the house they were born. They certainly didn’t move every 3-5 years, like today. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of us could say, “I feel safe, cared for, and connected in my neighborhood.” In Mary Pipher’s neighborhood, they had:

  • community: where people cared and helped each other in hard times.
  • zone of safety where kids could freely play and walk to the Five and Dime.
  • connection where there was always someone sitting on their front porch waiting for a chat.

There was the problem of getting one’s nose in other people’s business, but the benefits far outweighed the negatives.

The second story is a problem complicated by not knowing a name. If Mr. Brown lived in a connected neighborhood, he would have known the names of the kids and been able to tell the parents. The kids would have learned accountability and respect for other people’s property. Instead nothing was learned except maybe, “vandalism is fun.”

There are literally hundreds of ways to build community in your neighborhood: street parties and potluck meals regularly where everyone hangs out while the kids play. Having an open attitude of borrowing sugar, eggs, and the lawnmower or sharing emails with any neighborhood thefts or the latest on city policies that affect your neighborhood can be connecting.

In our neighborhood, we created a wonderful event around May Day, that really cements our commitment to each other. It involves

  • Updating the Neighborhood Roster, including current emails and cell phones for emergencies.
  • Creating a Photo Collages of all the kids in the neighborhood, with their grade and school. Then everyone can identify the kids of the neighborhood and know where they live. The elderly neighbors particularly love this information. They can reach out to the kids easier and are more comfortable with them, The kids in turn feel safer and more willing to go to these neighbors if they are afraid or need help.
  • Inviting all the neighbor kids over on May Day to eat snacks while they build May Day Baskets made of paper cones filled with of flowers. Then they deliver the baskets on each neighbor’s doorstep along with a rolled up roster/photo collage.
  • Everyone attending the annual Spring Potluck to get reunited as we are more outdoors for summer/fall.

What do you do in your neighborhood to build connection and closeness?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had been friendlier to the neighbor kids to be sure they felt safe to come to me if they needed to.
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Inspirations For Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters

February 26, 2010 by

Reflections

We take a breather today from “Building Our Village” series for reflection.
Here are a few of my favorite inspirational quotes.

  • The most important thing she’d learned over the years
    was that there was no way to be a perfect mother
    and a million ways to be a good one.
    Jill Churchill
  • Courage doesn’t always roar.
    Sometimes courage is the quiet
    voice at the end of the day saying,
    “I will try again tomorrow.”
    Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

  • You find time for the things that are important to you.
    Anonymous

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have rested and reflected more often and breathe…just breathe.
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Part 7 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Daughters Takes a Village

February 23, 2010 by

Fostering safe havens at school

“Mary volunteered regularly in the classroom all through grade school where she was able to be helpful and connected to the teachers, classmates and school climate. Now that both her kids are in middle school, the teachers don’t have activities for her to be helpful in classroom so she feels disconnected and can’t assess how her kids are doing as well.”

It was so fun to hang out in the school when my kids were there. For me there is no group of people living more fully than children. They live in the present moment and are so alive it is infectious. Plus of course, I got to see my kids in their school environment and get to know the other kids in the classroom and the school staff to boot. So figuring out ways to expand kids learning and have fun too was always a priority. I was always on the look-out for ideas to bring in. Here are some after-school activities I did in my kids school, even when my kids weren’t in them.

  • Baseball club in grade school: I was so discouraged by the amount of time a family gives up to baseball and I wanted to bring back the ease and love of the game I had growing up playing pick-up football every fall and pick-up baseball every spring and summer. Parents bought hats and snacks. We meet weekly and played a round robin game with 8-9 kids.
  • Girls Science Club: In middle school, I felt so useless in the classroom. When I found the AWSEM curriculum at the Saturday Academy in Portland, it was a way to share my love of science with girls. We met weekly doing science experiments, like collecting germs in the boy’s bathroom and drinking fountain and growing them on a culture, making GAK and Oobleck, and building and firing rocket ships. We also visited businesses where women mentored the girls and shared a hands-on-activity with them. This was so fun I did it over the four years my two kids were in middle school.
  • Girls Sports Club: I was discouraged by the drop out in physical activity by many kids, especially girls, by age 10. Why? Parental involvement in sports has brought in seriousness, fierceness, and winning at all cost. Kids just want to have fun. So I wanted to bring in fun, life-long, physical activity back. We choose: self-defense, yoga, kick-boxing, and Tai Chi. The girls had a blast.
  • Pottery Club: I wanted to involve the boys, so I came up with the idea of a pottery club. It worked. A few boys came to the first session and created some fantastic little sculptures. But they didn’t come back. I realize now I needed to make it more boy friendly by calling it Mud Club and having each session end by throwing a wad of clay at a target on the wall. That would have kept the boys there.

There are an infinite variety of things you could do with kids. Just think about what you and your kids like to do. Think of what would provide a safe, inclusive feeling for kids and talk to the school about it. Other “safe havens” ideas for school

  • Lunch fun room: help create a safe space for kids who don’t feel comfortable on the playground or in the library. It could have a foosball table, board games, puzzles …
  • Girls and Boys Night Out: great for breaking down cliques and building new friendships, like all the girls in 6th grade spend the night at the school, with teen mentors, friendship discussions, and FUN. Dads run the boys’ event.
  • Girls/ Boys Support Groups: kids who are marginalized or frequently in conflict with others can benefit tremendously with facilitated discussions with their peers. An excellent source is www.girlscircle.com and www.boyscouncil.com for resource guides and for training. School counselors are excellent at running these and selecting the kids. PTA can pay for it. It can markedly reduce bullying, as well as empowering each kid.
  • Running Club: a PE teacher offered this during recess at school. The kids had a big graph hung conspicuously that they posted their progress on. It ended by running together in the Starlight Parade Run in June.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have encouraged the formation of clubs during lunch recess, a tough time for excluded kids.
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Part 6 of 11—It Does Take a Village to Raise Our Sons and Daughters

February 19, 2010 by

Finding a caring school environment.

“Mary volunteered regularly in the classroom all through grade school where she was able to be helpful and connected to the teachers, classmates and school climate. Now that both her kids are in middle school, the teachers don’t have activities for her to be helpful in classroom so she feels disconnected and can’t assess how her kids are doing as well.”

Discussion:
When you think about your school experience growing up, what would you say were the most important take-aways? Having a teacher that really believed in you, getting involved in an extra-curricular activity that made your heart sing, a time you really had good friends, and eventually when you developed a love of learning? Now think about what your parents focused on: homework, homework and homework and were you “good” (as in obedient; not hearing from the principal).

Now let’s look at what the research shows about school and long-term, well-being of our kids. First the JAMA study from the blog on February 5 shows that a “caring school climate” is number two in importance for our teens avoiding risky behaviors (after being connected to your parents). Another resource is what Developmental Assets are important. I was impressed with the variety and sheer number of ways school is important.

…………………………..DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS…………………………

SUPPORT

  • Caring school climate – School provides a caring, encouraging environment.
  • Parent involvement in schooling – Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

EMPOWERMENT

  • Community values youth – Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.
  • Youth as resources – Young people are given useful roles in the community.
  • Safety – Young person feels safe at home, school, and in the neighborhood.

CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS

  • School boundaries – School provides clear rules and consequences.
  • Adult role models – Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.
  • Positive peer influence – Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.
  • High expectations – Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

  • Creative activities – Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.

COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

  • Achievement motivation – Young person is motivated to do well in school.
  • School engagement – Young person is actively engaged in learning.
  • Homework – Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.
  • Bonding to school – Young person cares about her or his school.
  • Reading for Pleasure – Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

Finding a nurturing environment is clearly important. When a kid feels accepted, appreciated, and engaged with school activities, it makes sense that it is easier for them to then find learning fun and be committed to it. I know when I was growing up; the focus on homework and grades over my experience of learning and connection at school was backward in my opinion.

Most of these assets are present in a “school village” that cares about the whole kid and makes it fun to learn. What can we do to promote these qualities? In addition to the list below, is my 5 part blog series in November, 2009 on “Supporting School Success.”

Value learning and show it

  • Know the teachers and communicate regularly. Let your kids know you talked.
  • Support their child to be ready for school each day (sleep, meals, homework).
  • Model learning in everyday life by reading, taking classes, going to seminars …
  • Encourage a Parent-Resource Committee on the PTA whose function is to bring educational materials to parent by buying parent books for the parent section of the library and bringing speakers for an evening seminar or staff training.

Be involved: There are many ways parents can be involved with school activities

  • Volunteer in the classroom.
  • Be involved with PTA, even if you do activities from home, like baking or phone calls.
  • Start an after-school club as an alternative to classroom volunteering.

Evaluate the goodness of fit of your child in their school: A caring school climate is so important; it is worth ongoing monitoring and adjusting,

  • If a program you kid loves is cut, find a way to replace it or substitute it elsewhere.
  • If there is fighting and bullying on the playground, work with the school on developing a program that addresses that.
  • Stay connected with the teacher, counselor, principal, PTA and others involved in the school.
  • Catch problems early.

Create Safe Havens: Creating safe spaces at school where our kids can be themselves is so important we are elaborating on it next week.

What are the “safe spaces” at school that you had growing up? Send them to us and we will include them on our list.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have sought learning environments that fit my kids rather than push my kids to fit in.
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Part 5 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 16, 2010 by

Don’t forget about the “peer” village

“For the most part, Caroline used to be pleased with Sofie’s choice of friends. Now there is this girl, Molly, who she worried about. Molly dresses in all black, smells like cigarette smoke, and swears a lot when she doesn’t think adults are around. Sofie spends most of her free time with Molly. Caroline is worried some of Molly’s bad habits might be rubbing off on Sofie. “

Discussion:

Before we talk about the “peer” village, what do you think are the potential villages/communities that influence a family’s life? Some ideas we contemplated are:

  • School Village
  • Activities Village: sports, scouts, drama, music, arts
  • Neighborhood Village
  • Congregational Village
  • Greater Community Village: city and government
  • Peer Village

We will be talking about each of these, one at a time, for the next few weeks, starting with the “peer” village. Let us know about other influential groups you thought of.

Whether we like it or not, we all know the “peer village” is powerful. This is especially true for kids not connected at home. When kids don’t have a “family village” to unconditionally accept and love them, they will turn to peers to find it, even dangerous ones. Longing for a place to belong and be respected, these kids are easily brought into “unhealthy” groups, even gangs. Here they may receive kindness and special attention upon initiation, but soon find out that it was a false front. Even kids connected at home but who long to be cool and popular, may lose themselves to groups that lead to trouble.

So what is really important to see in our kids relationships? We can look to the Social Competencies list from 40 Developmental Assets for ideas:

  • Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.
  • Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.
  • Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
  • Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.
  • Cultural competence: Young person is comfortable with people of different cultural, racial, and ethnic backgrounds.

Parents sometimes have a strong, negative opinion about a certain friend. They may ask or even demand that their kid stop hanging out with that friend. We all know that not only is it hard to enforce this rule when your kid is out of your sight most of the day, it might become a case of “moth to a flame” where your kid is even MORE attracted to this friend. Yikes!

So what can a parent do to foster the skills listed about in this village we probably have the least influence over, especially as our kids get older. Here is a list of ideas that you can control

  • Let your child choose their friends- they will anyway.
  • Get to know his/her friends. You might find out positive qualities that explain why your kid likes them. Or you might influence that friend in a powerfully, positive way.
  • Consider a rule that any kid can come over to your house for an evening, but your kids are not allowed to go over to a home where you don’t know the family.
  • Be the home where kids hang out, even if it means having junk food around.
  • Find groups or safe havens for healthy, accepting friends where your kid can be their authentic selves. Nurture these groups early, when they are easier to find and your kid can grow into them. You might even start up a group- like a book, art, or an ultimate frisbee club. For me, one place I felt unconditionally accepted was in my youth group at church.
  • Model being a good friend. When your kid sees you resolve conflicts peacefully and show empathy and kindness, they soak it up.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have invested more energy in being the home where kids liked to hang out, so I could get to know my kids’ friends well.
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Part 4 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 12, 2010 by

The most important village is the family village.

“Jill and Pete love being with their 3rd and 6th grade boys, but find there is little time left after dual careers, homework, soccer, chores, meal prep, and home upkeep. Then on weekends there are sleepovers and shopping. Most of their conversations are focused on planning for the next activity.”

Discussion:
The family is the buffer that surrounds children. It both protects them from and introduces them to the outside world. This critical support helps children understand and fit into the outside world. The family can protect children most effectively when they are younger and can buffer the rough interface as they grow into lives of their own.

As we mentioned in the blog one week ago, the most important ingredient families can have to protect their kids, even through the teen years, is healthy connections. If you are finding you would like some more tools in your toolbox for family connection, here are some ideas:

  • Connection is everything. The feeling your kids long for is, “I feel cared for and connected.” Make it a priority in your family over grades, homework, sport practice, chores and clean rooms.
  • Pause: Screen yourself by asking, “Am I too upset to deal with this now?” If yes, disengage until you cool down. Ask, “Am I about to lecture?” If yes, reframe it with the tools below. You can come back to the information you wanted to share but only AFTER you have connected and showed you care by understanding your child’s perspective.
  • Respect your kids for who they are, independent of their actions and behavior. What are the qualities you respect in your child, even when she gets a “D” or he doesn’t try in a soccer game?
  • Listen well: “Good parenting is much more about what you hear than what you say,” says Kirshenbaum, author of one of our favorites, Parent Teen Breakthrough. You can be most helpful, protective, supportive, and effective when you know what is going on inside your child’s mind.
  • Curiosity can help with listening well. When you absolutely do not understand why your kid did something, get curious. Ask questions for compassionate understanding; not probing investigation. (You know the difference)
  • Remember connection. Ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to strengthen or weaken my connection with my child?”

Pay attention to what places or activities you connect with each of your kids. It may be rubbing feet, tucking in a night, driving in the car, hitting golf balls, having dinner out together, or going for a walk. What is connecting will change as your kids grow. Pay attention and adapt.

Even with strong parent-child connections, parents cannot do it alone. Parents are overwhelmed with the challenges of family life and long for the help and support of others ensure the success and healthy development of their children. Early on, families reach out to families with same-age children. Over time, families introduce their children to new and different communities. Each one of these communities, these “villages” has the potential to be a significant influence on our child’s life.

For the next blog, brainstorm what “villages support your family now? What are other potential villages? What is getting in your way to reach out and connect to these villages? What can parents do within each of those villages to build the authentic relationships and meaningful connections?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have practiced more patience and pausing, especially when I was drained or triggered.
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Part 3 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 9, 2010 by


Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.

“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night.  His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless.  He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.

Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society.  What are the leadership qualities we should foster?  A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog.  Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.”  We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible.  Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives.  But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties.  There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges.  As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen.  Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency.  It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions.  It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths.  We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.

When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present!  Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support.  It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail.  It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them.  However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.

What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child?  If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
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Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

  • Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
  • Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
  • Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
  • Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
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