Part 4 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 12, 2010 by

The most important village is the family village.

“Jill and Pete love being with their 3rd and 6th grade boys, but find there is little time left after dual careers, homework, soccer, chores, meal prep, and home upkeep. Then on weekends there are sleepovers and shopping. Most of their conversations are focused on planning for the next activity.”

Discussion:
The family is the buffer that surrounds children. It both protects them from and introduces them to the outside world. This critical support helps children understand and fit into the outside world. The family can protect children most effectively when they are younger and can buffer the rough interface as they grow into lives of their own.

As we mentioned in the blog one week ago, the most important ingredient families can have to protect their kids, even through the teen years, is healthy connections. If you are finding you would like some more tools in your toolbox for family connection, here are some ideas:

  • Connection is everything. The feeling your kids long for is, “I feel cared for and connected.” Make it a priority in your family over grades, homework, sport practice, chores and clean rooms.
  • Pause: Screen yourself by asking, “Am I too upset to deal with this now?” If yes, disengage until you cool down. Ask, “Am I about to lecture?” If yes, reframe it with the tools below. You can come back to the information you wanted to share but only AFTER you have connected and showed you care by understanding your child’s perspective.
  • Respect your kids for who they are, independent of their actions and behavior. What are the qualities you respect in your child, even when she gets a “D” or he doesn’t try in a soccer game?
  • Listen well: “Good parenting is much more about what you hear than what you say,” says Kirshenbaum, author of one of our favorites, Parent Teen Breakthrough. You can be most helpful, protective, supportive, and effective when you know what is going on inside your child’s mind.
  • Curiosity can help with listening well. When you absolutely do not understand why your kid did something, get curious. Ask questions for compassionate understanding; not probing investigation. (You know the difference)
  • Remember connection. Ask, “Is what I am about to say or do going to strengthen or weaken my connection with my child?”

Pay attention to what places or activities you connect with each of your kids. It may be rubbing feet, tucking in a night, driving in the car, hitting golf balls, having dinner out together, or going for a walk. What is connecting will change as your kids grow. Pay attention and adapt.

Even with strong parent-child connections, parents cannot do it alone. Parents are overwhelmed with the challenges of family life and long for the help and support of others ensure the success and healthy development of their children. Early on, families reach out to families with same-age children. Over time, families introduce their children to new and different communities. Each one of these communities, these “villages” has the potential to be a significant influence on our child’s life.

For the next blog, brainstorm what “villages support your family now? What are other potential villages? What is getting in your way to reach out and connect to these villages? What can parents do within each of those villages to build the authentic relationships and meaningful connections?

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have practiced more patience and pausing, especially when I was drained or triggered.
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Part 3 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 9, 2010 by


Creating an environment that can strengthen the inner core of every child.

“Dad, can you sit down and do homework with me?” was the question Brad heard nearly every night.  His daughter asked for support to help her pack her lunch, find her stuff for soccer … the list was endless.  He was starting to wonder if his daughter would ever take ownership for managing her own life.

Discussion:
Imagine a world where young adults are not only capable of taking care of themselves but also have the ability to give back and contribute to society.  What are the leadership qualities we should foster?  A good place to look for in-depth answers is in the 40 Developmental Assets mentioned in the last blog.  Here are the internal assets all kids need to thrive:

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power, self-esteem, sense of purpose, positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring, equality, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning, decision-making, conflict resolution, resistance skills, values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

As parents, we can prod our kids to be successful by rescuing and riding them to “do the right thing.”  We can buffer and protect our kids from as many skinned knees and hurt feelings as possible.  Kids raised with this ever-present surveillance by their parents may all look good in the short run while their parents are still involved in the day-to-day management of their lives.  But in the long run, when these young adults go off to college, many lack inner resources to deal with difficulties.  There are so many of them today that they have a name—“teacups” are college freshman who crack at the first sign of stress and cannot handle even simple challenges.  As all adults know, mishaps and disappointments will happen.  Those who thrive in life do so with a strong belief in themselves, competency, and resiliency.  It is critical that all children have a strong inner compass to guide their actions.  It is important that our families, our villages, our communities all focus on fostering children’s internal strengths.  We all want children who can manage their own lives as they grow up, especially when they head off to college.

When parents and caring adults focus on building children’s internal strengths, they are very much present!  Rather than telling and prodding kids to do the “right thing,” step back from administrating their lives: observe, contemplate, connect, care, and think about how you can offer the best support.  It takes incredible restraint and patience to get out of your children’s way and watch them fail.  It is so counter-intuitive for a parent to let their kids “suffer” in order to truly support them.  However, it’s the only way for kids to strengthen their choice muscles, develop inner resolve and resiliency, grow to believe “I can handle anything,” and thrive even in adversity.

What have you done in the last week/last month to foster resiliency in your child?  If you would like to see a video clip of this topic, check “How to Raise Resilient Children” on AM NW from January 14, 2010.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have had an easier time letting go and embracing the idea “you have to let them suffer to truly support them.”
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Part 2 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 5, 2010 by

40 Developmental Assets: research that shows what actual works to protect our kids

“Josh moved his family across the country for a promising new job and small town living. However his family is finding it hard to fit into the new neighborhood and school. He is wondering what it is that really matters about having connections in his new community.”

Discussion:
We want to share the research that gives insight into what actually works to help our kids, a direction we can focus our passionate energy on as we go forward with proactive, preventative-focused parenting.

A study called “Protecting Adolescents from Harm” (278 (10): 823-32,1997), published in JAMA, Journal of the American Medical Association, interviews 12,000 youth about what they did in their lives, including risky behaviors. The researchers found one factor, when present, protected kids from risky behaviors of addiction, promiscuity, depression, suicide, and violence. That one factor is YOU, having a “close connection with one’s parents.” Isn’t this cool? Despite what we feel coming at us from the media or from our snarly 13 year-old, we do matter. We matter the most. And a second factor was school, “feeling connected and cared about at one’s school.”

The second body of research is enormous. It comes from the Search Institute who have done 50 years of research to sort out what are the key factors involved in why some kids thrive in poverty and neglect, while others languish in affluence. They can up with 40 Developmental Assets that kids need to thrive and be safe from risky behavior. These assets are common, everyday things many of us had growing up and are becoming rare in today’s culture. The general categories are:

20 External Assets:

  • Support: from a loving, connected family; caring neighborhood; caring school; and other caring adults
  • Empowerment: from a community that is safe, values youth, and provides volunteer opportunities
  • Boundaries and Expectations: with clear boundaries from family, home and school; high expectations; adult role models; positive peer influence
  • Constructive use of time: creative activities; youth programs; religious community; and time at home

20 Internal Assets:

  • Positive identity: personal power; self-esteem; sense of purpose; and positive view of the future
  • Positive values: caring; equality; integrity; honesty; responsibility; and restraint
  • Social competencies: planning; decision-making; conflict resolution; resistance skills; values diversity
  • Learning skills: engaged, bonded, and motivated at school; has homework; reads for pleasure

Although parents can influence nearly all of these assets, they only can directly affect 9 of the 40. And since only 8 % of kids have three-fourths of the Developmental Assets needed to really be safe and healthy, we need to consider doing things differently in America. Here is research-based proof as to why our kids need even more than a supportive, loving family to do well. We feel these Developmental Assets are so important, that our books, Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters, are based on them, with each chapter promoting different asset-building strategies.

Developmental Assets are built in communities, the “villages” in which we dwell for connection, comfort, and support. What villages are in the life of your children? What assets do your kids have? The next blog addresses the importance of these villages directed toward building internal strength in our child.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have focused on Developmental Asset building from the beginning.
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Part 1 of 11—Raising Our Sons and Raising Our Daughters Takes a Village

February 2, 2010 by

Research insights into why it’s hard for families today

“Mindy is so frustrated. She works so hard to keep her family close and connected. Now that her kids are in middle school, it seems that outside forces are taking over. She is constantly after them to turn off the computer and the TV, and go outside to play.”

Discussion:
We live in a culture with forces pulling the family in different directions and where our extended family lives far away. We invest time and energy to counteract this and sometimes go overboard, over-protecting our kids to the point that we hamper them. Although strong bonds within a family are extremely important, we all intuitively know our children need even more to thrive.

When our kids were young, we found a community to support us easily; sharing what worked and didn’t with other parents in our babysitting coop. As our kids got older, we all got busier and we became embarrassed about what our kids were doing. Talking about how our kid was caught drinking, may send the other parent flying, to “keep her kid away from yours.” So we stay quiet, feeling inept, isolated and worried. We need a force to hold us together. Building a community, a village…connections and safe havens with others outside the family, can be that force. That is what this blog series addresses.

What does the research say that helps us understand why it is harder than ever before to provide a safety net of support for our kids?

A study by the International Leadership Institute at ww.leadered.com, shares why just the basics of instilling core values is challenging in the US. Compared to Europe and Japan where family and religion are the top two source of values, in the US they are a distant third and fourth. In the US, media is the front-runner. National leaders are number two, but before you get excited about that, the “leaders” kids look to are sports heroes and entertainers.

And the next study explains the power of media in our kids’ lives. Kaiser Family Foundation released Generation M2 in January, 2010. In five short years, media use is up from 6 ½ to 7 ½ hours/day in the life of the average kid. The hours spent are 5 on TV/movies; 2 ½ on music, 1 ½ on computers, 1 ¼ on video games, and ½ on print. This adds up to 10 ¾ hours of media exposure but with multi-tasking it actually takes up 7 ½ hours of their day, seven days a week. Whoa! How did we adults allow this to happen? And with $100+ billion dollars to spend on anything they want, kids are now #1 target of advertisers. Advertises have learned that marketing “cool” at kids is the key, as the PBS video, Merchants of Cool, so clearly outlines.

A University of Michigan Survey Research Center looked at how family time for connection is challenged. From 1981 to 1997 women spend 12 weeks more per year working and each week and kids:

  • Have 12 hours less free time
  • Spend 5 hours sports and 3.5 hours watching a sib play sports
  • Have 100% drop in household conversations
  • Have 33% fewer family dinners together

Add all this together, and you can see why we parents are feeling like we identify with the headliner “Parents versus the World.” What happens is:

  • Parents feel confused about what is best for their child
  • Parents feel worried about safety and well-being
  • Worried and confused parents hover
  • We are beginning to see that hovering and helicopter parenting are detrimental to the well-being of our children. (see January, 2010 blogs and videos on Helicopter Parenting).

Where do we go now? Next blog will share the research that gives us insight into what the critical ingredients are that support our kids to thrive and be safe.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have understood why parenting felt so challenging at times.

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Part 8 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

January 29, 2010 by


LESS IS MORE

Julie raised her kids with a “village” of other families who hung out together all the time.  She noticed that the most well-adjusted young adults, now age 25-30, are those kids whose mothers did the least for them growing up.

Discussion:
There is actually a whole movement that is surging forward to counter overprotective helicoptering.  It goes by several names:  slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting.  If you really want your child to become his or her most actualized self—who they were truly meant to be—we parents have to get out of the way.  Imagine that the best gift we could give our kids is to do less for them.  That would give us more time to spend on what matters most: connecting with our kids and, in the process, enjoying our parenting more.

Here are some tips from Kim John Payne, co-author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Children:

  • Declutter the environment—keep a few toys and books and put the rest away.  Periodically cycle stored toys back through.
  • Schedule routines—ideally have one-third downtime, one-third creative time, and one-third busy/scheduled time.
  • Encourage boredom—it fosters resourcefulness and creativity in kids
  • Have quiet moments—keep adult conversation and problems to yourself.  Young kids less than nine can’t process long conversations and don’t really understand their own emotions enough to explain them.

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If I knew then what I know now,
I would have been comfortable with doing less for my kids, knowing that it was actually giving them more.
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Helicopter Parenting Resources:

  • Raising Our Daughters/Sons Parenting Guides offer research-proven strategies for thriving, resilient families; to be used as reference books or as guides for self-led parent groups.
  • How Not to Be a Helicopter Parent
  • Mom Needs an “A:” hovering, hyper-involved parents the topic of a landmark study
  • Dear Parents, Please Relax – It’s Just Camp
  • Helicopter parents hover when kids job hunt
  • Tucking the Kids In — in the Dorm:  Colleges Ward Off Over-Involved Parents
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    Part 7 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

    January 26, 2010 by

    HELICOPTERING AND SCHOOL

    Dave’s son is now in high school and is still not really applying himself.  Dave wonders, “Do I just sit back and let him fail?  Grades are so important for getting into college.”

    Discussion:
    There is no arena that matters more to us than our child’s education.  It is here where we tend to helicopter the most.  We feel strong pressure to get our kids into the right pre-school, the right elementary school, the right high school, the right college—all geared toward the right end result:  A great job.  The competition to get into great schools and then top jobs is fierce for this millennial generation.  Plus, we are driven even more since we are paying so much money for our kids to go to college. Wanting to protect our investment is certainly a fair consideration.

    Regarding “to helicopter or NOT to helicopter,” there’s no question that it’s more challenging to draw boundaries.  It is important for our children to get an education and to value learning.  Whereas many of the solutions in previous blogposts in this series involve “backing-off,” it is important to stay involved with your child’s education.  The Harvard Family Research Project found that teens whose parents play an active role do better in school and are more likely to enroll in college.  Many other studies support this premise. 

    Here are some tips to become more involved in your child’s education:

    • First off, an over-involved parent is better than one who has “checked out.”  Teachers and counselors can be helpful at letting you know when you are helping too much.
    • Communicate regularly with teachers.  Know and understand the milieu of your child’s school.
    • Volunteer on projects the teachers and school need in ways that don’t stress you out.
    • Connect and communicate with your child. When your kid complains about an unfair grade, get curious about your child’s perceptions behind it rather than storm the school. Maybe it is all about needing to vent or needing more organizational skills to complete big projects.
    • Model and share your value of a life-long love of learning.  This has never been more important than it is today.  Fifty years ago we could learn one skill and do it our whole life. Now, people change jobs every five years on average.  Imagine how valuable flexibility, adaptive skills, and on-going learning will be for our children to bring to the workplace.
    • Provide space and time for your children to do homework.  Slowly start backing off monitoring their homework in 3rd grade and start letting logical consequences happen when a project is not done on time.  Some kids need to fail to get their internal compass going.  (See the November blog on “Supporting Your Children to Succeed in School.”)
    • Find a good school fit for your child’s learning style and personality.  This is especially true in the high school years.  Today, there are many choices in addition to your local public or private school options. Consider alternative schools, home-schooling, and community colleges set up to provide high school credit.  Be open-minded.
    • Get help if there are learning struggles.  Most kids could benefit from tutoring on organizational skills.

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    If I knew then what I know now,
    I would have focused more on love-of-learning and less on homework and grades.
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    Part 6 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

    January 22, 2010 by


    TIPS FOR PARENTS TO EMPOWER THEIR KIDS

    Joe and Mary finally got away for a weekend.  They were happy to get a break from their middle-schooler and teenager.  As they recapped their parenting experiences, they realized they were doing a lot of monitoring and rescuing.  They wanted to do things differently in order for the kids to become more independent and to have more energy and ease  for themselves.  Lots more ease.

    Discussion:
    We often find the very involved, helicoptering parenting style that worked so well when our kids were little  isn’t working anymore.  Parents of teenagers often cannot control their teen, don’t know what to do, and are exhausted from constantly fighting.  They tend to just back off and stop trying.  But teens who were over-controlled as youngsters have no internal controls and, when “let loose,” can get into big trouble with drinking, smoking, taking drugs, and promiscuity.

    I believe nearly ALL parents helicopter at times—but you can change your style anytime.  Awareness is the first step.  Here are some ideas to get you started on letting go and empowering your kids:

    • Think long-term. The most important lessons a child can learn from his/her childhood are:
      • My life is the result of my choices.
      • If I don’t like how it is going, I can change what I do or what I want or both.
      • I am resilient and capable of making my life work for me.
    • Allow every opportunity for your child to practice making his/her own decisions.  Think of yourself as a life coach who provides structure and gives suggestions.  However, your child needs to “step up to the plate.”  It may take time.
      • Ask yourself daily—“Is what I am about to say or do going to lead to my child becoming independent and competent?”
      • Start small when they are young and gradually give them more responsibility as they grow.
      • Allow boredom.  Creativity is born out of openness to explore; invent something to do out of nothing.
      • Free play is important for problem-solving.  Schedule it in.
    • Allow kids to make mistakes.  The earlier you start letting them make decisions, the smaller the consequences of those decisions.  Your child can learn—
      • I am OK if I make mistakes.
      • I can “make it right” when I make a mistake.
    • Offer support rather than rescue. Ask curiosity questions to help them process or think through a situation.  Ask your child, “What are you going to do to solve this problem?”
    • Model what you want to see in your child: listen, take responsibility for actions and mistakes, and display effective conflict skills.  Let go of perfectionism.  Above all, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and there are a million ways to be a good parent.
    • The bottom line comes from Jane Nelsen, the author of many wonderful books on Positive Discipline, “Never do for your children what they can do for themselves.”

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    If I knew then what I know now,
    I would not do for my kids what they could have done for themselves.
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    Part 5 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

    January 19, 2010 by


    WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KIDS GO OUT ON THEIR OWN?

    With only one kid left at home, Jeff was looking forward to having a little more time to do what he enjoyed.  He was surprised with the multiple phone calls he received from his 19-year-old daughter in college.  If she wasn’t asking for help with homework, she was telling him of her constant anxiety about nearly everything … and requesting more money.  Always more money.

    Discussion:
    What is the saddest outcome of helicopter parenting is how much it can hurt our kids.  When these kids go out in the world, some can’t handle even the simplest situations, like balancing a checkbook.  Here are a few “helicoptering” examples:

    • One parent called the school, demanding that they go to the bank with his daughter because she was bouncing checks.
    • One dad continued to call his 20-year-old son every day to make sure he got out of bed to go to his college classes.
    • One mom flew from Salt Lake City to Harvard to protest her child’s biology grade.
    • Another parent demanded that the college fix the indoor plumbing problem his child was experiencing while doing a semester abroad in China.

    Bottom-line, some parents just go too far. Wikipedia has a name for this group—“Black Hawk Parents.” The term was coined to describe those parents who crossed the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior, such as writing their child’s college admission essays. College deans even have names for over-parented freshman: “Crispies” (who arrive already burned out) and “Teacups” (who fall apart at the slightest stress).

    And the overzealousness doesn’t stop at graduation. It’s even spread to the workplace with parents wanting to accompany their kids to job interviews and negotiate salaries for them. Some companies, like many colleges, have actually hired extra staff to deal with helicopter parents.

    Eventually parents can get so exhausted they just quit and drop the ball.  One young adult said: “I am the adult child of helicopter parents. Believe me, life is no picnic.  They have spoonfed me everything my whole life, but they are finally tired of it and now I am supposed to figure things out on my own and make a life for myself.  I honestly can’t.  I don’t have any real life skills and abilities to even pretend to be a capable adult … helicoptering is very damaging to development.  Don’t do it.”

    How can a 22-year-old who can’t address setbacks, disappointments, goals and progress at the university level, adjust to a complex job situation and an independent adult life?

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    If I knew then what I know now,
    I would have mummed the advice-giving when my kids called from college and instead just listened to their solution ideas.
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    Part 4 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

    January 15, 2010 by

    OUTCOMES: Exhaustion, Sadness, and Helplessness

    Tom takes his role as a dad very seriously. He cooks a warm breakfast for the kids every morning, drives them to school so they don’t have to take the bus, talks to all their teachers every week to be sure they are getting their work done, and monitors homework like a hawk. With three kids and work, too, he hardly has room to breathe.

    Discussion:
    Helicopter parenting is rooted in a deep caring for our kids and deep commitment to parenting.  We want our kids to have a good life.  Unfortunately, we can get results opposite to what we want.  The underlying message our kids get when we do everything for them is:

    • “You are helpless and fragile and need me to run interference for you.”
    • “You can’t make it in life without me.”

    So our kids get programmed when they have a problem to “Yell HELP! and your problem will be solved.”  This more or less works when the parents are around, but what about when they are not.  Numerous students are arriving at college without basic social and survival skills.  They lack knowledge to negotiate for what they need, coexist with other people in shared living quarters, stay safe, and solve their own problems.  With their parents always ready to step in, kids are failing to learn accountability and responsibility. Helicopter parents seem to be stunting their children’s maturation.

    And the parents themselves don’t have the life they want.  One study released by the Society for Research in Child Development in Atlanta states that parents who judge their own self-worth by their children’s accomplishments report

    • Sadness
    • Negative self-image
    • Diminished contentment with life in general.

    This happens whether the kids are doing well or doing poorly.   So no matter how the kids turn out, the parents STILL experience stress and sadness.

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    If I knew then what I know now,
    I would have worked diligently to build my self-esteem on my own accomplishments rather than on the accomplishments of my children.
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    Part 3 of 8—Ground Your Helicopter Parenting

    January 12, 2010 by

    SUPPORT vs. RESCUE

    Melissa called, “Mom, I forgot the necklace to go with my outfit and it is so important. I am trying out for a play today. Can you please, please drop it off?” It was getting harder and harder for Joan to find ways to connect with her eighth-grade daughter. She found herself driving to school with the necklace, even though a part of her said she shouldn’t–especially with the long list of things she wanted to do that day.

    Discussion:
    When we step in and emergently help others out of a situation they have created for themselves, it is called a “rescue.” We all find ourselves in situations where we want to be rescued now and then. When we depend on being rescued by others regularly, we forget to depend on ourselves. What parents can do is: recognize when they are rescuing, name it, put some boundaries around it, and move toward supporting their kids.

    • Recognize means you pause before you answer your kids’ requests. Ask, “Is this a rescue or support?”
    • Naming it means you say to your child, “Is this a rescue you are asking me to do?”
    • Putting boundaries around it means you decide ahead of time what you are willing to do. Say, “I will help you with your school project until the last 24 hours it is due.”
    • Supporting your kids means asking them open-ended, coaching questions to help them think through the problem at hand:
      • Ask, “What support would you like from me?”
      • Remember there are six billion other people on the planet who are available to support your children also. Sometimes brainstorming who else would be supportive is incredibly powerful. It helps kids be more resourceful and get clear on exactly what information and support they are looking for. And it frees up your time to get back to that long list.

    This new system can break the pattern in your kids–“Whenever there’s a problem, I’ll ask Mom or Dad to take care of it.” It moves your children toward, “I have a problem. What am I going to do about it and what help do I need?”

    Since I have been exploring this series I realize I STILL rescue my 26-year-old daughter, even when she doesn’t ask. She loves being independent and competent and I want to foster that resiliency in every way I can.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    If I knew then what I know now,
    I would recognize the difference between rescuing and supporting my kids. Rescuing gets the job done fast but takes away from my kids’ opportunity to learn to support themselves.
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , ,
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